Adolescent Effusive

2005-04-13T15:53:00.000-04:00

I'm now on livejournal.
livejournal.com/users/mjazz
It is friends only because lj is a nasty spiderweb that easily spreads rumors, so you'll have to ask me to add you.
Right now, it's real lame because I haven't figured out how to customize it. But that's okay.

2005-04-12T15:19:00.000-04:00

I really like Carissa. She's always around at just the right time.
Today was one of my worst physics days, which is saying something. I did badly on my test, forgot my labs, got bad grades on the ones I had to make up....Nowocien's been really patient with me, though, and it's fine that its run out. I just feel like such a dumbass. I'm intelligent enough for the class, I just have so many other things to do that I always forget about it.
I think that I meant to take a nap to blow off some steam.
I've kind of felt like a dumbass for the past two days. I dont know how else to explain it.

2005-04-11T23:00:00.000-04:00

I completely forgot that I'm friends with Ryan J. Kucharski. I often regard him as Sarah's boyfriend because I never see him. But he occasionally IMs me and I'm like "Why am I not your best friend?"
Ryan: I have 3 research papers.
MK: What for?
Ryan: Health/US/Grupp
Ryan: I don't even call it English anymore. That would be insulting to the language.

Bee-tee-dubs: I've been considering switching to livejournal for a while because I would like to be able to give and receive comments. Also, I can't read some people's lj's because Im not a lj member, and it sucks. So I wanna be a lj girl. But that would mean that certain people can't read my blog. But, honestly, if they care enough to read it, they'll join lj, too. So, that's on the horizon. Or as Andrew Largeman would say, "There's that."

roonster111: i heard about your break up with jacob, and i wanted you to know that when i heard i "sent you good energy" (i can't think of a better, less hoaxy way to put that) and i hope you're on the path to a reclamation of your independent self
That's probably the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever said to me. Devin Rooney is probably the most eloquent person I know.

2005-04-11T17:02:00.000-04:00

Things I'm Contemplating:
1. Whether or not I want to dye the bottom of my hair green
(*5 minutes later* Now I definately want to just because my mom is giving the most ridiculous argument against it. "It's unattractive." What is she? A pagent mom?)
2. Where I can get a job
3. Who I am taking to prom
4.

Well, I was contemplating other things, but now I'm just so pissed about the hair that I forgot. It's not like I'm asking if its okay for me to get a tatoo or a piercing. The green hair will get cut out. Its not like the dye goes anywhere else besides where I put it. It won't engulf my entire head of "beautiful hair" and fry it so that it never grows back the same way. Sorry, its not the way it works. If I put it on an inch or so of my hair at the bottom, its not going to make me so repulsive that no one wants to look at me. Even if it did, I want to be single right now. So I'm not exactly concerned with looking stunning.
My brother can drive all over the fucking world with missiles attached to his car, but I can't have a tiny section of my hair a different color from the rest because it would be unattractive? Clearly he has more to him than his appearance that's redeming, but I don't. Thanks for the vote of confidence, Mother.

2005-04-10T13:57:00.000-04:00

"Love Is A Fast Song"
by Copeland (In Motion)
You don't have to be ashamed
'Cause you're a miracle through and through
Oh, and you don't have to be ashamed
Of the miracle inside of you
What has love become?
It's not like we used to hear in those old songs
And it's not like yours
What has love become?
Whoa...your love is in motion
And it's spinning me around, yeah
Whoa...my heart is in motion
For the movement that's in you
You should not be angry
If all she wants is your money
Oh, you should not be angry
'Cause all you want is her body
What has love become?
It's not like we used to hear in those old songs
And it's not like yours
What has love become?
Whoa...your love is a fast song
And I'm dancing 'cause I'm in love with you
Whoa...my heart is in motion
For the rhythm inside you
Whoa...your love is a slow song
It's resounding through my world again
Whoa...my heart is in motion
Fr the song inside of you
Whoa...your love is in motion
And it's spinning me around, yeah
Whoa...your love is a fast song
And I'm dancing 'cause I'm in love with you
Whoa...your love is a slow song
It's resounding through my world again
Whoa...my heart is in motion
For the song inside of you

Basically, this song has the most beautiful lyrics ever written.

2005-04-10T13:41:00.000-04:00

I feel so fuckin GOOD!
Oh my goodness. I don't know what it is. I just...wow. I just feel incredible.
Last night was the BSP Minus Methane (I supplied it, don't worry Keight-e, we were thinking of you) sleep OVER. I love Sarah and Julia more than...those two pudding cups I had in direct succession. And trust me, those were good.
I just can't describe the amazing feeling that they give me. It's this feeling of total honesty and acceptance. I don't feel like I have to prove anything to them and that I'm okay the way I am. And I know exactly what they think of me, especially Sarah and we're all okay with the fact that we cant stand each other sometimes. And the fact that we can't makes our friendship stronger, because we laugh about it all the time.
Jewlya went to bed because she had a rough week and Sarah and I were like "Okay, we'll be in the bonus room." The bonus room is like a satelite Vermont. Its that security feeling. We pulled out the sofa bed and put our 16 blankets on it and crawled in and were planning on sleeping, but this is what happened. F is me, R is Sarah. Don't question it.
F: "So....you know."
R: "How are things going for you?"
F: *thinks* "Fine. Fine, actually."
R: "That's good."
silence
F: "Actually, there's this vauge possibility that I'm *insert confession here*."
R: "I'm not surprised."
F: *burries self under covers* "Agh! I don't want to!"
Later on in the conversation
R: "So...I *insert big confession here*"
F: "Oh no! I was suspecting!

And the whole thing ensued into this stellar and 100% honest conversation about...everything that's important to us this week. And we found that we have way too much in common at the current moment. And that we're ridiculous fools. Also, kids at our school are stupid for loving us. They have got to stop. Surely our scam for graduation will not turn anyone off, even though it should.
Hahahahaha.
Keight's birfday is this Friday!!!

2005-04-09T10:30:00.000-04:00

I'm always really lonely on Saturday morning. No one's ever online.
I really want to talk to someone right now. The thing is, there are so many things inside of me that I want to get out, but there's really almost no one that I'm comfortable talking to about them. There are all of these really private feelings that I have that I so need to talk about but, I mean, they're private. I can't.
I went to the talent show last night. It was mildly entertaining. Sarah-Jane and company did an awesome job singing Seasons of Love. It made me cry though. I developed this insatiable need to be held or at least hugged and there was no one there for me.
I found Alex afterwards and I just wanted him to know something was wrong, but of course, how could he? So I was just like, "What are you doing right now?" "Um. Nothing." "Do you wanna go...do something? Go for a drive or whatnot?" "Yea. Actually, I was hoping I could find something to do."
So we went for a drive. We got lost, as is our habbit, and ended up at Panos. He eats nearly exactly like Zac. And it made me smile and I didnt notice that I was staring at his utensils working on his pancakes and he caught me and I didnt know what to say.
We tried to make sugar packet houses, but failed honorably. I also bought the new Copeland CD, which is beautiful. The song Kite was a huge disappointment, though. It's totally different from all the other songs, and if it had been done in the same style, it would be one of the best songs ever because it has wonderful lyrics. We got sort of lost on the way home, too, but I knew how to get to Jacob's house from where we were, so literally went to Jacob's house and then I could find my way home from there.
I decided during the talent show that I have no visible talents. I think that my only talent is appreciating people. I just love the people that deserve it with everything I have. It's dangerous to do that, but maybe I'm more of a risk taker than I thought I was.

2005-04-08T17:45:00.000-04:00

I love Miss Corbett. I love the way that she just candidly confesses things about herself, such as the fact that she honestly believes that, had she been born earlier, she and the actor who played Atticus Finch would have found each other and fallen madly in love.
We started one acts today. Which should really be called one scences. I'm stage manager of everything and also the narrator of something about a crippled boy named Smike and a brother and sister who vow to never get married to anyone and stay the same as they are forever. It's very creepy.
Alex drove me home today. There's something about sitting in the passenger seat of that barely functioning Buick Century that makes me feel at home. I kick around the garbage on the floor and laugh at the stuff on the dashboard and he hums the least Alex Marien-like songs imaginable and misses turns every chance he gets and it makes me feel normal.
I've decided that I'm taking Jake Gyllenhaal and/or Patrick Fugit to prom.

2005-04-07T22:46:00.000-04:00

This is honestly the most interesting website I've found in a while.
http://www.gallawa.com/microtech/howcook.html
Pin Your Wings by Copeland is honestly my new favorite song. It's so...awesome. Not for the lyrics but for the sound of it. Hence why I'm not posting the lyrics. Don't read them, just listen to the song. It's soothing and inspirational, even if I don't really know what pin your wings down means.

2005-04-07T17:57:00.000-04:00

zactapeself
Originally uploaded by rascacielo.

This is just about the funniest thing I've ever seen. I can't remember if I did it to him or he did it to himself. I'm going to have to pretend the latter, because that's infinately more humorous.
I think he speaks for himself in this picture.

2005-04-07T15:30:00.000-04:00

Some strange wave of sadness came over me as I was leaving school today. Don't know what it was. I didn't feel like walking alone, but I didnt want to walk with Vince. But, of course, I walked with him. We didn't talk much and when we did, it was about his attractions or prom.
He offered to be my prom date, even though I didn't ask him to be. That put me in an awkward position. I hate when people do that kind of thing.
We're watching Shakespeare In Love in Lit/Film. There are a lot of sex scenes in it that Arnone occasionally forgets to fast forward through. Overall, it's a very creatively done movie. I love it. Even if William Shakespeare is played by a Freddie Prinz Jr. look-alike.
Let me voice my appreciation for Dave Melgar: Dave Melgar is awesome.

Math, 6th period.
Mr Bowen: Im gonna use orange right next to the red. Sorry if you're color blind.
MK: *eyes slide over to red-haired boy next to her*
Alex: Let it go!

2005-04-06T15:14:00.000-04:00

Laura Lang made my day by sending me a packet of pictures that ranged in date from 2001 to 2004 with witty things on the back of them.
Other highlights of my day:

Walking home barefoot
Being told to make a character sketch of my least favorite teacher in CW
The comback of the "puffed wheat tied to a string" in physics
"You would do me a great service by signing me up." "I'll sign you up. I'll make sure that I misspell your name to the highest degree."
Snickering at Leo Dicaprio's awful, awful, awful portrayal of Romeo Montague in Lit/Film/Music.
Mr Pray's "If You Build It" speech followed by a huddle in the middle of the room. I honestly want him to be my teacher for the rest of my life. (This should be number 1)

That's probably about it. I need to go play in the sunshine.

2005-04-06T07:11:00.000-04:00

So, I felt good yesterday.
And I was thinking, "Am I avoiding my feelings?" And I'm a strong believer in facing up to feelings and just dealing with them. So I was like, "Hm. I wonder how listening to this CD will make me feel."
Consequently, I feel like shit. I can't cry. I can just crumple up in a ball and feel this heaviness in my chest.

2005-04-05T15:31:00.000-04:00

Auto response from neon STwist: s club 7, represent!
IndigoSailsQuirk: s club 7=all that and a side of fries
IndigoSailsQuirk: that was just a dialect that i used
neon STwist: i cannot udnerstand you when you use your dialect!
neon STwist: that means we are not mutually comprehensible"
neon STwist: sorry, intelligible
IndigoSailsQuirk: its because im white, isnt it?
IndigoSailsQuirk: doncha think thats unfair?
IndigoSailsQuirk: sorry, DONCHA think thats unfair?
neon STwist: yeah, i know that youre in a puerto rican gang! dont hide it!
neon STwist: jeet yet?
IndigoSailsQuirk: hahahaha
neon STwist: im.. jeeting some chicken alfredo
IndigoSailsQuirk: *dies laughing*

Topics covered in Spanish class today: ebonics, lisps, hispanic gang members, Dan Rather, Vermont, and Sephardic Jews
Oh, Brian Winger, how I love to hate thee.
Ms Swan 4: he's a gem..he should come to my school and be attacked

Note: This entire entry is only funny if you were in Spanish 4, period 2 this morning.

2005-04-04T14:54:00.000-04:00

I haven't told anyone besides the obvious people. And honestly, I dont want to tell anyone. But I feel like I should give some explaination for my behavior.
Jacob and I had a conversation on Saturday night/Sunday morning, and we decided that dating wasn't working for us anymore. Some extremely hurtful things were said, but not for the sake of being mean. They were said for the sake of being truthful. And he was brave to say what we've both been thinking, because I've been too much of a coward to acknowledge what's been going on. Which is why you're all surprised to hear this.
There will be no petty antagonization of Jacob. It's not his fault that things worked out this way. I hate when a gaggle of girls gather around the one who has broken up with her boyfriend and say, "Well, you don't need that jerk anyway." That's the stupidest thing to say.
I love Jacob, but dating him isn't working out. I wish it were, and I would never lie and say that I'm okay with this, because Im completely miserable, disappointed, and broken.
This feels like more than I can handle when considered with what I continue to deal with with Zac, but, honestly, I'm still here. I don't like pain, but I'm not afraid of it. I've proven to myself over the past five months that I don't give up on things that are important, and being okay with this is something that's important.

2005-04-02T11:48:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm sufficiently depressed.
It's snowing in April.
Mitch Hedberg, the funniest man to have ever walked the Earth (that I know of), died unexpectedly in a hotel room. God, if you continue to make killing young people without warning your hobby, I will never speak to you again. I'm incredibly angry at you as it is, but this is just getting ridiculous. The fact that you've made me suspect everyone I love to have a timebomb in their chest is unacceptable and I'm not sure I'll ever forgive you.
On that note, I had a dream while I was sleeping in Burlington, VT. I didn't realize I had it until hours later. I was in the Boulevard Mall, walking out of the doors next to Friday's and Zac walked in. He looked exactly the way he did the last time I saw him. He had this huge, face-consuming grin on his face. I ran at him, lept up on him and wrapped my legs around his waist. He held me there, even though he never could have done so in real life. I asked him what happened, why he was there, and he said that it had all been a joke. I asked him about the body in his coffin and he said that it had been a joke, too. He started to explain, but I just started sobbing into his neck, remembering everything I'd been through in the past five months, and he just stroked my hair and laughed and laughed and laughed. He wasn't laughing about tricking me, he was laughing because he was glad to be back.
It made me miss him like a bitch yesterday. I cried in the car for a long while.
Also, just a note:
One of my favorite people in the world died for no reason not too long ago. Regardless of how much I pretend that I'm okay, I'm not. He's all I think about sometimes. It still hurts more than anything you could imagine. It's crippling and it's something that I hope you never understand, but I hope that it's something that you can accept.

2005-03-30T19:51:00.000-05:00

John Mayer: You perfectly articulate every emotion I've ever have. I love you.
So, one of the best hours I've had this week:
My head is propped up by a snakeskin pillow in Linens 'n Things, my feet are shoved between some pleather pillows that are apprently "things every newlywed couple needs" a few feet over my head, and my belt is digging into my back while I stare up at some industrial lights that Alex Marien insists look like the Hubble telescope and listen to a truly awful radio station. Alex J. Marien was just laying six inches away from me, in his own corner of the shelf, laughing at the things I was drawing on a tablet of graph paper. Every so often, a middle aged woman would happen upon us and think we were the cutest things alive. They'd say something about nap time and touch a few pillows and be on their merry ways, chuckling to themselves about a girl in an I LOVERMONT t-shirt and a red haired boy whose eye color they could not figure out due to the extreme glare off of his glasses.
Many hours later, we ran across Ellie Fox and her comrades at the Salvation Army, which was awkward.
Yesterday, Jacob and I went on a two-wheeled sojourn for many hours. It felt so good to be out and about. Elmwood was rioting with conversation and visual stimuli. It was sunny and slightly chilly and perfect.
Tonight feels like a summer evening. One of those nights when my brothers and I watch something stupid on TV just as darkness is falling and we've just come in from playing outside for a looong time. I just want to read and write something brilliant and watch movies and make skirts tonight. Unfortunately, the sewing machine is broken. So I'll do a few of those things.
I'm driving to Vermont tomarrow to look at the school. Hopefully it turns out of me more interesting that I'm suspecting it will be. Perhaps I can convince my mother to buy me something at Old Gold. Ah Burlington, VT, how I love thee.

2005-03-29T11:16:00.000-05:00

So, I just started one of my three creative writing peices for the week. The opening paragraph is all about cantaloupes being the perfect fruit. It's supposed to talk about a tricycle and a broken flip flop at some point. This shall prove to be...challenging, yet rewarding.
I started reading this really good book last night called The Dive from Clausen's Pier or something of the like. It's gonna sound stupid if I tell you what it's about, so I'm just going to have to tell you that the author's style is absolutely lovely. I adore the way that she writes in the exact way that the human mind, or at least my mind, works. The majority of the book so far is memories. Hardly any of it takes place in the present tense. The only things that happen in the present tense are things that remind the main character of things she did in the past.
Splendid, splendid. I'm hooked.
Today will be a good day. I mandate it.

2005-03-28T00:00:00.001-05:00

I'm up and slightly apprehensive. I have a lunch appointment with Nick Hahn tomarrow. It's been gnawing at my brain since last night, when we made this appointment. I'm not quite sure I'll have much to say. Nick Hahn is a woodland creature version of Justin Schaber. Woodland creature meaning that he's big and soft and Justin Schaber meaning he's intimidatingly intelligent, and expects those around him to match him or be material for jokes later on in life.
Nick is a musical genius(the real kind, not the garage band kind), has a stunning command of pop culture, and is one of the only people who calls me on misuse of vocabulary words. I'm very worried that, without the extra time that AIM gives me to come up with witty observations and impressively concise syntax, I will make a complete fool out of myself, after I've finally ridden myself of my squirelly, obsessive sophomore persona...Fuck!
*blinks* That was...in depth. I wasn't totally aware that I felt that way. Wow. Sorry guys.

Whoooo...other than that...
Friday Afternoon:
A to the lex to the M to the arien, you rock.
Friday night:
Class A! Between the "Estais bonitas!," the kids going at it in the front seat behind the movie theatre, the excellent processed foods, the Much Fighting, the angry Carloses, the garden departments, and the clacking plates...All went superbly well.
Saturday:
Some biscuits, mashed potats, a hard-earned twin pop, and several ill fitting prom dresses were the perfect segue into the Broadway Market's many sights, smells, and sounds. The best sight being those asinine pens, the best smell being the "tavern corn", and the best sound being, "Which one?"
Sunday:
Woke up half on the bed, half off, face down, to a rustling windbreaker. Jacob Fox fell asleep in about 5 minutes, and then there were some Easter baskets, followed by some choice drama at church, followed by some more sleeping, followed by some eating, followed by a walk, followed by beautiful, quiet sex, which we almost got caught having.
I really wish I could say the last part of that sentance without laughing so that you guys would believe me and be completely disgusted that we would have sex in my parents' house on Easter sunday. But, alas, my laugh betrays me.

2005-03-25T10:17:00.000-05:00

Jacob and I watched Garden State again last night. Deja vous...I love that movie so much. I also love that Zach Braff wrote, directed, and starred in it, and it turned out entirely awesome. I gained back the respect I lost for Natalie Portman after Closer.
Did you know that the reason you can't lose your accent after a certain age is because the muscles that make the sounds of other languages distrophy because you haven't used them for your whole life? I think that's one of the most interesting things I know. Besides that whole you'd go deaf from the sound of your own voice if you didn't have bones in your head thing.
I made this sweet CD two days ago.
1. Where Is the Love-Black Eyed Peas
2. A Thousand Miles-Vanessa Carlton
3. Tisbury Lane-Mae
4. 3AM-Matchbox 20
5. One Song Glory-Rent
6. Angel-Dave Matthews Band (<3<3<3<3)
7. You and Me-Lifehouse (ditto)
8. That's All-Michael Buble
9. You-Switchfoot
10. Black Balloon-Goo Goo Dolls
11. As Things Collide-Kara's Flowers
12. Strange Things-Randy Newman
13. Fool to Think-Dave Matthews Band
14. Let Go-Frou Frou
15. Hanging By a Moment-Lifehouse
16. Circus (Walking By)-Something Corporate
17. What If God Was One of Us-Joan Osborne
18. Drops of Jupiter-Train

Plans for today:
Shower, do laundry, work on Creative Writing, maybe work on that damn paper, possibly walk to the library and get something mindless to read, listen to a lot of music, go out for a tit with a pile of rumpled red hair, possibly hang out with my womens, trim this hang nail, get a chance to wear my green winter ball dress again.

I feel really good today. I think Garden State has an extremely calming effect on me. It's a combination of its realism, awesome soundtrack, and the fact that I get to lay around under a quilt with camels on it with a floppy-haired Jew when watching it.

2005-03-23T22:20:00.000-05:00

So, you know that executive monster in M0nsters Inc? The one with all of the legs and the three peice suit? Yea. I saw him in McDonalds today.
Also: We must get to Bethlehem to pay our taxes to Ceasar! But you're great with child. The messiah!
Other than that, my essay won't write itself, but I have no excuse not to write it tonight other than shere laziness.
I feel like having another milkshake. Because I am obese.

2005-03-22T18:25:00.000-05:00

I am constantly in a state of lovesickness. I just love people so hard. It barely leaves any room for anything else. I don't think it's a bad thing, but, it's just sort of overwhelming sometimes.

I'm sure that you've all heard about the debate over whether or not to keep that woman's feeding tube in. Her parents want to keep her alive and her husband doesn't. She had a heart attack that damaged the part of her brain that allows her to swallow and talk and whatnot. I don't exactly know how I feel about it. It's been said that she can make eye contact and laugh. I say, if she wants to continue living even if things are crappy, power to her. If she doesnt, then it's cruel to keep her alive by artificial means. I don't know what she wants, so I'm not taking a stance.
We talked about this in Arnone's class today, and one of my esteemed collegues said, "Well, I mean, she had the heart attack because she was anorexic. So, I mean, it's her own fault." Translate: The little fucker deserves to die.
I jumped to say, "So, she deserves to die? I mean, it's self inflicted, but so is the problem with cutting." A cyncial smile spread across her face and she said, "Don't even get me started on cutting. Those people know that there's help for them." Images of the ECC psych ward's 4 by 8 cinder block rooms and audio recordings of the lovely people that wrench people out of bed to ask them if they're happy flashed through my mind. "Do you have any idea what the 'help' is like?" Her spectacular closing line was, "There are people around them who might be like, 'Hey...what's up?'."
In short, you are an elitist and soulless bitch. I am amused by you at times, but your complete disdain for the human race appauls and repulses me.

2005-03-20T23:01:00.000-05:00

Dear School:
You are one of the least important things to me ever.
The most valuable things I've learned have not been from you, so stop pretending to be my savior. I appreciate the interesting things you have told me, but they have nothing to do with who I am. Who I am has come from the people I love, and I thank you for holding some of us in the same place for 6 hours a day long enough for us to get to know each other. Now that we do know/have known each other, though, I need you to back off.
You are the last thing I want to spend time with. You are overbearing and obnoxious. I can't stand the smell, look, or mood of you.
Perhaps it is in your best interest to change.

2005-03-20T17:08:00.000-05:00

So, yesterday, Sarah and I went shopping. I bought a pair of sweet shoes at the Sal Army(4.99), as well as a plaque with an etching of Kenmore Highschool on it (.79) and a wooden box that said "MOM Vermont" on it (.99). At Sears, I bought a black sweater (5.99) and a pair of underwear (6.00).
We ate at Fridays (<3) and went home to...I don't know. We did something for a while, and then we made purses. Mine's the coolest thing ever. I would put a picture of it in here if I weren't so lazy.
We listened to Copeland and Kara's Flowers and talked about Brian, Dana, and Loretta (Spanish, Photo, English.) We also talked about Kathy the Councelor, her analogies, and the this I talk to her about. Somewhere along the line, we made our way into the bonus room to watch love actually, a splendid movie. "wooooooooo-would we call her chubby?"
We woke up, made some disgustingly breakfast inappropriate food, and ate somewhere near a whole bag of Doritos on top of it while watching Junior, Room Raders, Spring Break Dance Off, Paula's Homecooking, and Extreme Makeover, not in that order.
We rock at being fat and unproductive. ^_^

2005-03-19T13:47:00.000-05:00

Page 112 of The Lovely Bones. Deceased Lindsay Salmon on her surviving friend, Ray Singh.

"He came to realize something as he stared at my photo-that it was not me. I was in the air around him, I was in the cold mornings he now had with Ruth, I was in the quiet time he spent alone between studying."

I hope this is true, you big teet.

2005-03-19T11:26:00.000-05:00

Aha!
I just pinpointed exactly how I feel right now.
I feel precisely as I did the morning I was flying to California last spring. I was wearing my jean jacket and listening to "Life in a Nutshell" by Barenaked Ladies in my headphones, and I was smiling to myself about the 5 hour conversation Jacob and I had had until 4am the night before. I had accidentally hung up on him and just sort of smiled at the phone and snuggled in and fell asleep within five minutes.

2005-03-19T11:11:00.000-05:00

So, Jacob and I rented Garden State last night. Best movie I've seen since Saved.
I loved how it was a boy meets girl story, but in a very real way. Aside from the fact that I don't think I would go into someone's house if I just met them ten miuntes ago.
My favorite scenes were the ice skating tape, the hamster burial, and the bath tub.
On another note, I love Jacob's grandma. She's Grade A.
Also, I can't wait until spring. I can't wait until I can lay on the grass and take a walk at 8:30 and draw on the sidewalk and ride my bike all day and not care that I didn't go anywhere.
I feel so much like myself today. I love it.

2005-03-18T14:38:00.000-05:00

The theme of today was insecurity.
During Spanish today, I felt like a complete asshole because I kept getting puntos for my team. Everyone was like, "You're a Spanish machine!" I don't know why, but this made me feel really uncomfortable. I felt so singled out. I felt like everyone thought I was some big arrogant egg head. That's the last thing I'd ever want to be. Besides a criminal.
Creative Writing came along, and after two days of avoiding reading my story aloud, I had to. Miss Corbett kept calling it a novella, which, again, made me feel like I'm some asshole egg head who doesn't do anything by school work. Then I actually had to read it out loud. Yes, it's about a stuffed cat named Zappi and his owner, a 31 year old raver/ecstacy user. I felt like such a weirdo that I chose to write about life as a stuffed cat. 75% of the class wrote about dating. I was reading it and I sounded like a total idiot because I kept stumbling over all of the words that I so carefully chose, and laughing at my own jokes because I'd never heard them out loud before and...oh my god. I hated it so much. I just stopped in the middle and said, "I hate reading. *insert summary of the rest of the story here*"
Miss Corbett said, "Oh, to be a fly on the wall of Mary Kate's brain." She meant it as a compliment, but it just made me feel like a freak.
I rarely get really embarassed, but I was dieing. Everyone was laughing and said they liked it, but I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb. I felt so completely different from my peers and really hated it.
Of course, it was more awful because I couldn't stop being flustered for like 10 million hours after it and Alex completely called me on it. He was like, "I've never seen you so self conscious. My shyness has rubbed off on you!" At this point, I wanted to be at home, under my covers.
I tried to explain that reading what I write out loud is pure torture for me. I said something analagous to the fact that it makes me feel like I'm bearing my entire soul in front of people I hardly know. He said he didn't understand because my story was really good.
Am I wrong to not want to share something that I worked really hard on, something that contains so many different peices of me, with complete strangers who know nothing about me?
I think this is all stemming from the fact that I'm not over the fact that basically my entire class plus tons of other people heard me speak at Zac's funeral and saw me play his part in the play. Both of those things were done for such private reasons, and I can't stand that people know that about me.
I feel completely vulnerable. Like everyone knows what my achille's heel is, and I have no control over what they do about it.

2005-03-17T15:01:00.000-05:00

I kind of feel like I'm going to explode. I've become slightly introverted over the past few weeks, and it's driving me crazy, but I can't stop. I'm having difficulty talking about the things that really matter to me, so I just keep joking around and talking about trivial things.
I feel like someone else. Mary Kate Duff doesn't have secrets.

2005-03-16T17:11:00.000-05:00

Do you ever wonder where the things you borrow from the library have been? Maybe your least favorite teacher's kid had it last month. Maybe that quintessencial "hottie in your math class" that seventeen magazine always talks about had it two years ago.
The reason I'm saying this is because I'm listening to the Dave Matthews Band album Everyday, which I borrowed from the library. One of the few cool CDs they have. They havent updated their CD selection since like '99. That's okay, I guess, but I was looking for the Garden State soundtrack.
One of the number one things I like about my math teacher, Mr Bowen, is that he puts post-it notes on movies that he returns to Blockbuster that say things like, "Classic!", "Disappointing ending.", and "Truly bizarre." I aspire to someday be this funny.
Speaking of funny, there are a few of these pens circulating about the school. They intermittently light up red when you write with them. They have little arms with boxing gloves attached to them that extend when you hit little levers on the back. On the very top of the pen rests a thick pair of inaccurately shaped lips. Already, this is an odd looking creature. However, the part that has made me openly belly laugh instead of chuckle to myself about it is that, from these lips, a thick cluster of 4-inch-long lavender hair sprouts. A most bizarre combination of ideas. I've seen all of these things exisiting on a separate pen, but to have them all on one...It makes my chest hurt because I laugh so hard at it.
I'd told Alex about it yesterday and drawn a diagram during math, but today was a most blessed day. We were walking down the stairs, and I caught a glimpse of one in someone's hand and, without giving it any thought, I exclaimed, "Alex! There it is!" I took off down the stairs to follow it, and Alex followed me. We finally found it again and he made like the was mesmerized by it and started veering towards it with a wide-eyed expression and an outstretched hand.
In conclusion, I think I just might stoop so low as to ask one of the girls who has one where they got it and go out and buy it.

2005-03-15T21:48:00.000-05:00

Also, too, (Dempsey, 2005) I'm actually nervous about reading my short story in front of the class tomarrow. What you write about exposes so much about your inner workings and what you're really like. I'm so afraid that people are going to see right through the thin veil of my peice and into my soul. I'm soooooooo nervous *chews fist*
Mostly, I'm nervous to bare my soul amongst my peers that I actually respect the opinion of and work of, (i.e., Sarah-Jane Calvaneso, Sara Boulden, Lee Miller, Caitlyn Quider, and Alex Marien.)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH.

2005-03-15T21:39:00.000-05:00

I had a reasonably dumb day.
Good parts:

That insanely STUPID pen B.H. was using in English that made me laugh for the rest of the day.
Hiding out in the bathroom with Sarah-Jane---more fun than it sounds like
To my right, during creative writing, I heard a sound like marbles gliding past each other. That clacking, clicking noise. I looked in the direction of the noise and saw Alex Marien pulling unpackaged Runts out of his pocket and stealthily slipping them into his mouth. I remembered the ziploc bag of them I saw in his backpack and the purpose of "trip to the bathroom" in the middle of class was made humorously clear.
"I want to touch your hair."
Telling C.L. to her face that she's defensive.

I still have so much APUS to do. Muh.

2005-03-14T17:58:00.000-05:00

Today, the only thing that got me through my day without dieing of boredom was Sarah's calm, yet alarmed movements in gym, perfectly timing my exits from classes (don't ask), and Brian Winger's tie.
I woke up yesterday morning to the sound of someone taking their jacket off. From beneath my blankets, I slowly came to the realization that it was Jacob M. Fox. He curled up next to me and I slept there for another hour or so before I became conscious enough to hold my eyelids open.
We proceded to go to church, make a fantastic lunch, eat it on my bed, bake brownies, and have a messy brawl over the spatula. The next thing I knew, I woke up to Jacob tucking me in and kissing me before he left. I'd fallen asleep again from all the excitement.
He wears me out.
So does creative writing. It's fun, but my juices are drained.

2005-03-13T21:27:00.000-05:00

love
Originally uploaded by rascacielo.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what true love looks like.
Note that we don't have our fingers in our OWN noses.
Judge all you want, but I'm perfectly happy.

2005-03-12T22:53:00.000-05:00

I was just reminded of a most glorious moment.
I'm sitting at our diningroom table in Sycamores 23, my bare feet resting on that oddly firm carpet, wearing Keight's skirt, my brand new J. Crew top, Sarah is gazing longingly at me across the table, Julia is to my right, Keight is across from her wearing fancy beads, and Mommy B and Jimbob are floating about, we're all eating Noodles in a Bonnet, and "Hey Leonardo" by Blessed Union of Souls is playing in the background.
Oh, holy Vermont.

2005-03-12T22:39:00.000-05:00

So, I'm sitting here, rocking out to lfo, and reeling from today's events.
Case in point: Wicked.
Basically, once I enter a theatre, I just shut down and go into awe mode.
All that green and movement and sound and harnessed creativity.
I'm infinately jealous of anyone who was involved in that show in any way, shape, or form.
Favorite characters: Boq(munchkin boy) and Fiyero (eventually becomes scarecrow), both of whom I got the autograph of. I just like smiled at them and handed them my program. I was thinking, "You are beautiful and talented. You are beautiful and talented. You are beautiful and talented. You are beautiful and talented. You are beautiful and talented."
An overall splendid day was had. I my winter ball dress plus my Seth stockings and polo and my green cardigan.
In other news, I need a haircut, and I got the autograph of a boy who looked just like a lamp last night. I also met a boy who could perfectly immitate Dorothy Sczpornak and Sofia Patrillo. An interesting combination to say the least.
In short, if I don't end up spending the rest of my life in theatre, I think I will cry. Or have babies. Whichever.
Best song ever: Jesus Freak-DC Talk

2005-03-10T15:27:00.000-05:00

So, it's come to my attention that at least two people have been afraid to talk to me about Zac because they think I'd get mad that they miss him, like they didn't earn it.
Just because you didn't spend a ridiculous amount of time with him doesnt mean your feelings aren't legitimate, and I certainly don't pretend that my grief grants me some sort of priveledge to tell people how to feel about him.
I will actually respect you more if you talk about Zac without being inhibited. Don't hide things from me just for my sake. You're actually doing more harm than good by not talking to me about him, because it makes me happy to talk about him.
It's true that I now feel really uncomfortable that so many people know my name just because they heard me speak at his funeral or saw me play his role in the play, but that's basically all I have to deal with that you don't. Yea, Zac is a huge part of my life. Yea, it hurts like a bitch that he's gone. However, I think that I have it a lot easier than people who weren't always with him in some ways. So don't think that I'm a grief snob. I dont think that I'm the only person who is allowed to grieve. It hurts me that people think that I feel this way.

2005-03-09T21:27:00.000-05:00

Things I'd Kill to Be Doing Instead of Analyzing TS Eliot Poetry:

Getting a back rub
Looking out of my window at the Westin St Francis in Union Square. I effin' love SF.
Off roading in a golf cart, laughing my ass off, hoping a Russian teen doesnt kill me and my best friends.
Reading the ticker at Friday's out loud...VANILLA BEAN!
Laying on my back in my dark backyard with my friends in a head to belly circle after a bon fire.
Swinging on a loudly creaking, frozen swingset at 2am.
Hanging off of the edge of Keight's bed saying, in an amused yet accusing tone, "I can't believe you OWN one of these!"
Slowly overheating from the weight of an adolescent boy's sleeping body carefully resting across mine.
Sleeping

I'm a bad focuser!

2005-03-09T18:38:00.000-05:00

Songs I caught Alex singing under his breath today:
"What If God Was One of Us"
"Backstreet's Back"
"Pieces of Me"
and various other musical interludes courtesy of the Temptations and Michael Jackson

Other related topics:
"Do you have a tampon?" *pulls a camera out of her bag* "I'm not sure how many pictures I have left." Bewildered silence.
"So this is what Santa does in the off season..."
Everyone should go see the play "Death Trap"

2005-03-08T19:48:00.000-05:00

One of my colleagues (can't ever spell that word) approached me, dragging his feet today. I said to him, "You look defeated." Something distracted us, and as we were climbing the stairs, I remembered that he didn't reply. "So, why do you look defeated? Did you have another falling out with your lady love *laughs too hard to pronounce the name and couldn't say it in here anyway*"
He turns and looks at me and with a mischevious glint in his eyes and says, "No. How is your big crush on Mr. Nowocien working out?"
ZING!

2005-03-07T15:45:00.000-05:00

Reasons Why I Love [Mary]Kate Corbett (my Creative Writing teacher)

She's so flipping cute with her little black bob and barettes
She wears cardigan sweaters
She's engaged, but has only mentioned this twice
She appreciates my Vermont stories
The comment, "I'm copying this one for my files!" dashed in purple ink on the bottom of my paper that creeped the hell out of and endlessly flattered me
She gives the best assignments ever

With that little segue, there, let me say that creative writing today was the coolest thing ever. Well, no. I've had more fun in that class. However, it was fun to list five characters that I truly love and give reasons.

Mine were:

Phineas (A Separate Peace) because he is aloof, casual, mysterious yet relatable, an oddly attractive form of arrogant, a leader, and a fallen warrior. Also, he shamelessly borrows his roommate's pink sweaters without asking.
Holden Caulfield (Catcher in the Rye) because he is hyper observant, incredibly funny, independent yet vulnerable, and kind. Also, he is cordial to both nuns and prostitutes.
Michael Mascowitz (The Princess Diaries BOOKS) because he's beautifully dorky. He is formidibly intelligent, but doesn't shove it in anyone's face who doesn't deserve it. He patiently waits for the right moment to confess his love, rather than springing it on the object of his affections at the most inoportune time. He has a cool room and looks out for his sister even though she is an ass. Also, he keeps a low profile.
Jessica Darling (Sloppy Firsts/Second Helpings) because she has sharp wit, an intense ability to analyze her peers (except for that Marcus Flutie), and a high level of honesty that should leave her vulnerable, but actually makes her strong.
The main character of There's a Boy in the Girl's Bathroom! because he is uninhibited socially, intrinsically funny, and thinks nothing of befriending ceramic animals or telling girls that their underpants are showing. Also, he refers to hairbows and whatnot as "hair orniments."

I asked Alex Marien what he wrote down and he said that Bruce Wayne was number one. He went on this fiery promotional tangent about how he's "not some joker affected by nuclear waste. He's a strong, smart man...." 10 minutes later, I'm still laughing.

Other than that, this one girl in my CW class is driving everyone nuts. She's too eager to volunteer. "I'll read MINE." And it's crap. Mine isnt the best stuff ever written, but at least I dont act like it is. Your ideas are trite. Stop pretending you're a 'writer.' Caitlyn will dance circles around your boxy mind.

2005-03-06T10:20:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning feeling sorry for myself.
I laid in bed for an hour, depressing the hell out of myself. I was torturing myself with what will happen to me next year when Jacob, Keight, Julia, and Alex are gone. I honestly feel like I'd be nothing without them. When I'm asked to tell about myself, the first things out of my mouth are The BSP and Jacob. Every time. I don't say, "Well, I'm pretty into theatre...I think I'm going to be a great director someday. I mean, I'm such a great leader." No. I talk about them. Once they're not within 20 minutes...I dont know what I'm going to do.
And then I read some of Zac's blog. That kid was so damn hopeful about the future. All the time. And I'm thinking about what I said about the kids in my Creative Writing class. I said that I couldn't understand why they'd create tragedy when, while using their imaginations, they can create joy and good circumstances. So, I had to ask myself, What the hell are you doing?
I'm still sad that these people won't be as readily available, but all of these foolish notions I have of them forgetting me and replacing me within weeks of leaving are ridiculous. I don't make friends with people like that. Yea, they'll have new lives, but I'll still be part of them in some way. And I should be happy for them, not mad at them for wanting to leave.
I've gotta stop being so selfish.

2005-03-05T10:51:00.000-05:00

Last night, Sarah and Julia and I were in Julia's computer room. All we'd done was buy something on ebay, eat dinner, and complain about stupid women.
My stomach hurt and I was bored. I started missing Zac a lot. And I just wanted Jacob to be laying next to me, falling asleep in spite of everything going on around him. I also wanted Zac to be going through the drawers in the computer room going, "Hoooooooo!" And I wanted Keight to be lifting herself off of the floor with her compressed methane gas.
I wanted those three people to be with me so bad. I was getting real cranky. I was so mad that Sarah, Julia, and I had nothing to say to each other. We weren't doing anything.
Then I looked up and saw the color of Sarah's messy excuse for a bun making her sweatshirt look even more gray and Julia's blonde hair forming a perfect circle around her downward facing face. That's what made me remember that I love them no matter what we do.
I'm glad that something somewhere doesn't allow me to be a cranky bitch all the time. Something let me see those images and remind me of how good I have it.
Even so, I would've been nice to have even one of the three missing parties there.

2005-03-05T00:20:00.000-05:00

Basically, I'm in love with Patrick Fugit.
I had my doubts, but Saved ended up being one of the best movies I've ever seen. I thought it was gonna be totally "janga" in its attitude, meaning irreverent and snotty, but it was just plain funny and beautiful.
Honestly though, all I got out of it was that I want to marry Patrick Fugit.

2005-03-04T16:29:00.000-05:00

ME: ha. thats funny. i love the lovey dovey atmosphere that's totally false. andy (my former Sunday School teacher) shook my hand just because he had to the other week and didnt say a word to me. like he hadnt noticed that i stopped coming to his class. he looked at me blankly like he didnt even know my name
JEN: yeah. that happened to me to. pastor steve didnt know my name so he blatently avoided me during the whole "turn to your partner and shake hands"
ME: HA.
Seeing as we've each been going to that church since kindergarten...someone should notice us. Isn't it funny that I stopped coming to your sunday school class four months ago and you have completely erased me from your memory, as though I never existed. No "Hey, Mary Kate, where've you been?" No "How are you Mary Kate?"
There's some real Christian warmth for you. Thanks for making me feel like I matter.

2005-03-03T14:54:00.000-05:00

I'm listening to Destination Beautiful by Mae. It truly is beautiful.
Today, in creative writing, I realized what a true glutton for interesting syntax I am. I was reading Lee's peice, and I was underlining like every other word and puting hearts and NICE!'s all over the paper. I didnt give her any constructive criticism.
What made me laugh is that she said things like "mourning wind" and talked about skulls and whatnot, and I wrote on her paper, "Absolutely splendid. A little dark, but that's your style. It doesnt make me question your talent." And I wrote about scurrying flowers and sidewalks and spices, but the last line of mine was, "Place yourself in your cage. You won't be leaving soon." And she wrote, "Could be a little less bleak, but otherwise good." The whole peice was this absurd sety of directions that involved waterfalls and pleasant imagery, and I write one slightly ominous thing and she calls it bleak!
I love Lee, though, so it's okay. When I said, "What are you talking about, skull woman?!" She admitted that the ominous ending was the only part she remembers because she focuses on morbidity. Which makes me laugh, because she's such a nice girl.
Most of what the kids in my creative writing class write is really dark, lurid stuff. Either gory or really depressing. None of their characters are intrinsically happy and it's just plain annoying. Honestly, my stuff isnt like "Celebrate life, this is the only one we've got! Whoo hoo!" but I'm almost positive that everything I've written, aside from that one surreal peice Lee commented on, is, by the most basic definition, comedy. So many kids are writing tragedy, and I don't understand why you would create tragedy when you have a choice. You don't have a choice over what actually happens in your life, so why not make things as positive as possible in your imagination? I don't understand.
Also, too many girls write peices about a girl who hates their ex-boyfriend or hates their best friend. Way to be obviously autobiographical.

2005-03-02T18:23:00.000-05:00

Things I Appreciated About Today:
1. That sugar cookie with red hots in it
2. John Arnone's aside to me and Jenna that began with, "Anecdotally..." He never really made eye contact with us, but we knew he was talking to just us an not the entire class. He didnt sound amused by his own story, and that is why I appreciate him, because it truly was amusing.
3. Brian:"¿Quien tiene un tarjeta de credito?" Sarah: "I have one." B:"Oh, tu tiene muchas deudas..." S:"No. I was J/K."
4. ¿Si pudieras matar a Brian, como lo haria?
5. I was in a deep slumber in the middle of the afternoon, and a phone was shoved into my ear. It was Jacob!

Basically, all I've been doing, in an excess (even for me) this week is ripping on people. I never stop. I've just been really irritable. Not that I'm not always, but I'm more irritated lately.
Today, ____, got this huge grin on her face when she saw me and waved enthusiastically. I flapped an empty glove in her general direction sans eye contact and turned to my companion and said, "I HATE HER!!!!" And he laughed genuinely and said, "That's so funny, because she LOVES you." I thought it was just me. I'm glad that someone else notices how much she loves me and that I'm not just being narcissistic. I just can't stand the fact that she's so enthused by my presense when I openly hate everything she stands for.
Whatever. I'm real hungry.

Two Positrons Walk Down the Street...

2005-03-01T20:05:00.000-05:00

So, I'm going to write 100 things I like about my life. Because I'm too negative. The order is not important. It's just in order of my thoughts.

The Backseat Posse.
Keight's fervor for layers.
My kitty-cat.
That last trip to San Franscisco-89th floor, night skyline, Borders that took up a whole block...
Go Ask Alice---Most influencial 6 weeks of my life thus far.
My extensive music collection
The way Jacob's neck smells like soap when he's fresh from the shower
Zac's laugh
My ability to laugh at commonplace things
My bros! Si, si, mis hermanos...
Our lime green kitchen
My grandmother's tired Valencia stories.
Grandpa King's famous, "Whats that coming in, the house?"
That brief Michael Militello interlude.
Nick Thompson's integrity.
Coloring Sarah's hair with markers
That time Zac followed me into the basement and I didnt know it... (8th grade)
Mommy B and Jimbob!
Julia's flippy hair
That royally DUMB henna tattoo of the ferry boat.
Sarah's eyes.
Ellie Fox's unnatural flexibility
Chuck and Cindy's gigantic backyard.
My kindergarden relationship with Melissa Affuso
My elementary school friendship with Rebecca Fetzer and Toni Kaufman (not at the same time)
Mis padres-son muy buenos
Dashboard Confessional Concert '02
Stomp! (and dinner before)
The Great Escape (Friday of Vermont 2004)
Mr King's English class in 8th grade
The fact that Dave Melgar comes to sit with me after he's done with his lunch
Jon Topalski hugs
New Years '04 (Eve and Day)
All hammock encounters ever (Sarah's, Jacob's, Laura's, Mike's hamMOCK)
That one insane trip to Jo-Anne Fabrics with the Crunching Senoritas
Peter Pan weekend
My crush on Matt Zych
The fact that I'm a contemporary of Jake Gyllenhaal
Bowling for Hussies and the playing of Let Go in the parking lot
My ability to comment on Quebec (few people can do that legitimately)
Devin Rooney's lack of inhibitions
My bed
All of those times Jimbob caught me talking about something I shouldnt have been
The BSP teet fixation
Living room/fountain dancing
Capitola, CA
Stowe, VT
Passing time between 2nd and 3rd, 4th and 5th, 5th and 6th, 6th and 7th period
Homecoming 2004
That line of people at Zac's wake
West Side Story-Tyler McGee style
My green cardigan era
That day at Mykonos with Jacob and Zac
The 1920s film I made with Caitlyn and Sara and Sarah and Ashley
Oatmeal Explosions, Etc
Brian Lipp's antics
Art Club Feasts with Amanda
Getting kicked out of Perkins
"I love your video camera!"
"Hey, biceps, when's happy hour?"
The Goo Goo Dolls
apple crisp
Quality Markets (RIP)
The Jacob Beach Experience (2/5/05)
Mega Muffins
Off The Wall
brodo
The Dream Street phase (It was a good one, and you know it!)
Josh and Frou Batos
Playing tennis with Zac
Reading debaucherous literature aloud in a family resort condo
"Here's to good grades."
John Mayer
bras
Fiestaware
Our shortlived swingdancing career
Adam Snyder's pleasant nature
bubble baths
candles
Christmas lights
The Lemonade Incident (2/14/04)
Ellie's ballet
vandalizing Adam Mazenaur's car
notewriting
late night AIM conversations
The Great Rollerskate (with Mandi, Nakita, and Dave)
"Make me."
That solitary conversation that read "Hot Mama"
Caitlyn Quider
That porch swing/graham cracker experience with Brian Blum (6/18/04)
my prom/homecoming/new years dress
Carissa's bowling dance (in moderation)
Spanish class last year
constant availability of M&M's
My room
My second homes
Jay
My Spotlighters hoodie
"This is Forrest's CD" hits play, Genie in a Bottle starts playing..skip...I'm Like a Bird...skip...Liquid Dreams...skip...Bouncing off the Ceiling...
David Merrill

2005-02-28T18:55:00.000-05:00

I had a pretty good day today, starting fourth period.
I had a guidance powwow with Mr Marshall and my fellow Db-Ke students. We spent most of the time bashing Brian Winger. I really need a new hobby...
I picked up an internship application and a work release form. I could be leaving every day at 1:30 to go work at a nearby theatre. That would be, basically, the best thing ever.
Fifth period was a little slower than usual, but comic relief was found in my classmate's obsession with deeper meanings and symbolism. I honestly was cracking up. You're insightful, but you don't have to broadcast it. This is an elective. Creative Writing is such a platform for bragging sometimes. "Well, I actually wrote from the perspective of the bird. *goes on for 15 miuntes about her brilliant peice*" No one really cares. We're all in this for stress release.
Mr Arnone made my day by stopping me after class to inquire after my language arts career.
Mr Nowociens little face lit up when he saw the fruits of my labor. My ripple tank project that is. Excellent!
I was at my locker after school, and this blur of green and white wizzed past my feet. I disregarded it as garbage until Vince picked it up and I saw that it was a sugar packet proclaiming "I LOVERMONT." This was the handiwork of that crafty Alex Marien who had just gotten home from Kinsington, VT.
We then ordered our Spotlighters sweatshirts. Mine will be maroon (this color only shared by me and Rob Sugar) with an undecided name. I'm debating between Ursula and Maireigh Cait. I shall decide at another time.
We then made posters for our charity benefit...a viewing of Napolean Dynamite in the HS Aud at 7:00 on March 23.
After everyone left, Vince, Jon, and I hung posters about the school and had a very lively fireside chat with Scarf. Unfortunately, she will be on sabatical for my senior year. I'm kinda sad about it because I'm taking all of the electives she was supposed to teach. She'll still be in for the play and for spotlighters though. I might want to be V.P. next year...
I came home and, in a rather relaxed fashion, went through some college stuff.
Reasons Why I Want to Start College in the Fall:
1. I'm sick of being babied at GIHS
2. I want independence so bad
3. Keight, Jacob, Julia, Alex, Mandi, Dave, Nakita, Jon, Carl, and Scarf will not be 'round these parts next year.
4. I barely have any friends who are underclassmen. Hence, social devestation
5. Senior hype. Not too interested in pretending I feel special simply because its my graduation year. Whatevs.
Things I'm Looking Forward To:
1. Half day this Friday (DDR plus Garden State plus....Laser Tron?)
2. Theatre workshops at Fredonia (3/9)
3. Julia's school play (3/10)
4. Seeing Kiss Me Kate w/ Jenny (3/11)
5. Seeing Wicked with the Broman women (3/12)
6. Seeing The Cobbler w/Spotlightahs (3/17)
7. Getting my Spotlighter's hoodie (Sometime in march)
8. Spotlighters Napolean showing (3/23)
9. Vacation starts (3/25)
10. Visiting University of Vermont (3/2_)
11. One Act Plays (all through April)
Time to write that insulant essay.

2005-02-27T12:46:00.000-05:00

IndigoSailsQuirk: im considering just not doing the spanish essay
IndigoSailsQuirk: and getting it in late
neon STwist: im considering punching him in the nuts

2005-02-27T12:35:00.000-05:00

So, I went to [Jacob's] Grandma Ruth's 90th birthday party last night.
It was truly bizarre to be in the presense of someone who can probably remember when my own grandma was born.
I liked that I only had to be introduced to like...4 people. Everyone else knew who I was. I loved being able to all out brawl with Jacob in the kitchen and hear, in between my shouts of "Jacob Matthew! Put me down!", Gabriel and Nathaniel laughing at us and making dumb comments. I felt entirely at home and uninhibited.
I had myself a grand time, until I realized how much work I have to do today. Then I started getting really cranky, which earned me a back rub. Which made me sleepy.

2005-02-25T18:06:00.000-05:00

A List of Things That Annoy Me:
1. Having to repeat myself or listening to other people repeat themselves.
This is all too common in my household. It was said once, if you didn't catch it, it's not a big fucking deal. Your life will go on undisturbed. Particularly if the unheard comment was not even directed at you. If you decided to tune in on the middle of a conversation, deal with the fact that you're not privy to the entire first half.
2. Throwing the phone
Just unnecessary. Walk the extra three feet to hand it to me. You know I can't catch.
3. The way my mom blows air out of her mouth when she's annoyed
If you have something to say, say it.
4. The way my mom winces with pain dramatically when someone forgets to control the volume of their voice
I'm sure it didnt hurt that much
5. How loud commercials are
I'm not going to pay attention anyway
6. The way my little brother snorts snot up his nose
You will die of mucus saturation of the brain
7. When people are late without an explanation
It takes three seconds to call. It's fucking rude not to.
8. The way that my peers say, "I love you" when I say something really mean
There's got to be something else loveable about me. Also, why don't you put me in my place? I'm a huge jerk. Why do you continue to allow me to prey upon my peers? It just makes you feel better about yourself to hear me fly off the handle and say all of the things you were thinking but don't have the balls to say. Note: This comment doesnt apply to CQ
9. Thongs in the locker room
I'm just not interested
10. Little kids who try to guilt trip me with stuck out lips or fake crying
It will never, ever, ever work, and you know it. Give it up.
11. People who comment on the way that I interact with my boyfriend
Possibly I do like to do my homework while he sleeps with his head on my chest. It's really none of your concern. Worse even is people who have never really seen us together and go, "Aaaawww...you guys are so CUTE!"
12. American Idol
If you like to watch it, that's fine. Please don't stuff my ears with your opinions on people I've never even seen and don't care to see. Note: This is not targetted towards the Fox family. This is targetted towards the kids who talk about it nonstop in school.
13. Hillary Duff
You have the most annoying voice and way of shaking your head when you talk.
14. Ashlee Simpson
Wear some normal clothes and stop pretending your hair is black.
15. I am away from my computer right now.
Could you be any more lazy?
16. Adults who think they're kids.
Case in Point: Robert Collard
17. The kids in my creative writing class who think they're literary geniuses
No, Caitlyn was not trying to allude to the struggle of adolescence via irony in her piece about Humty Dumpty and I'm a Little Tea Pot. She was just whipping off a short peice because she had to write SOMETHING. You're just jealous that she can be candid and not deliberate over every word she writes.
18. People who make fun of me for my vocabulary
Honestly, my vocabulary is not advanced. Just because I slip the occasional superlative or reticent into a conversation doesn't mean that I'm some egg head who obsesses over knowing every word in the English language. It just means that I don't spend all of my time watching The Real World and Eurotrip.
19. People who make fun of me for the things I laugh about
I'm sorry that I don't see much humor in "cocks and pussies." Stop trying to convince me that genitalia are funny or jokes that make me feel uncomfortable about being female are amusing. It doesn't make me a tightass, it makes me different. I prefer to make my own fun rather than to sit back and be entertained. Entertaining myself means keenly observing the world around me. It doesn't mean watching shows that were written by middle aged men who still think they're fifteen. I'm eternally sorry that you don't understand me, but just lay off.
20. Intrusions upon my personal space
I like physical affection. I like heartfelt hugs and holding hands and snuggling on the couch with people I feel comfortable with. The list of these people is very short. If I don't touch you, chances are I don't want you touching me. I appreciate the occasional silly hug or kiss on the cheek, but don't do it just to be obnoxious and show how bold and funny you are. Just don't.
21. Heartless I Love Yous
If you don't mean it, don't say it. If you've only held one conversation with me and it was just because I was the fucking spokesperson for greif at our school, you can't possibly love me. Don't not talk to me for months and then blow me a kiss in the hall and yell, "I love you MK!" Only people that don't love me call me MK. Not kidding. Only awkward strangers who won't take the effort to say Mary Kate call me that. Aside from the people I have explicitly told it's okay to call me MK. This list is almost certainly limited to: Nick Thomspon, Matt Brady, and Michael Fox
22. Anti-Bush propoganda
Why bother? How is that pro-active at all? Why are you spending so much of your hard-earned cash on Bushism calendars and puppets when you should be putting it towards the retirement you allegedly won't have if his administration has their way?

2005-02-25T00:52:00.000-05:00

I think that the most disturbing feeling ever would be knowing you're going to die. I hope sincerely that Zac had no idea. What are you supposed to do when that's just handed to you?
MEMORANDUM:
TO: Zac
FROM: God
Subject: Your death
Priority: Urgent
Zac-
By the way, I planted a time bomb in your chest. You won't wake up tomarrow.
See you soon.
-God
Don't anyone dare get mad at me for this post. You have no idea whatsoever how much a part of me Zac was and continues to be. I've been through enough pain to earn being able to express myself freely. I am in no way disrespecting Zac's memory, and you know it. You're just afraid to think these things.
On the other hand, Im so afraid of not seeing it coming. I'm so afraid to be that woman who drops dead in the supermarket from a brain anuerysm but so afraid to be that old man who is 95 and has already had all of his chances. He's healthy, but, come on, he's 95. He doesn't have years left in him. He'd know that every night might be his last and every Christmas and every birthday. How would you like that? Your ration of birthdays is up, but you're still going for another couple of months.
Zac spent his last birthday with me. All day. We rollerbladed and ate mango sorbet. He thought my cat was hilarious, and I took a picture of him. What would he have done differently if he'd known? I dont think he would have been sitting in my humid living room, quoting The Little Mermaid.
Living every day like its your last is unreasonable, but what if it ends that way? Zac's last day was spent at home, chopping wood. A filler day. A day spent looking forward to another event, such as the fondue party we were supposed to have. I hope not to die on a filler day. Or maybe I would like to. Just so that everyone's memories of the really awesome day aren't tainted "That was such a great day...until..."
I'm so afraid to die. I'm afraid of everyone around me going in the same way that Zac did. Every time I don't talk to someone for a day, I assume something bad has happened to them and the next call I get will be informing me that they've been taken from me.
I'm entirely serious. This is the way I live now. Sometimes I don't think I'll wake up in the morning. I'm afraid to go to sleep. I'm afraid my mom will find me the next morning and never be the same. I'm afraid I won't see it coming, and I won't have been the person I wanted to be. The one day I'm a true asshole. The one day I just want to have some alone time. That would be the day. And what an awful way to die.
Basically, I'm scared and angry.

2005-02-24T17:03:00.000-05:00

Since I'm so dedicated to my physics project, I'm gonna fill out this survey that I stole from Sarah.
::HAVE YOU EVER...::
*Been to New York?: City? No.
*Been to Florida? Yes
*California?: Yes
*Hawaii?: No
*Mexico?: No
*China?: No.
*Canada?: Yes
*Danced naked?: It's doubtful
*Got a really bad feeling about something then it happened?: The Candle Incident
*Wish you were the opposite sex? Not really. I'd have to be strong or be a loser.
*Had an imaginary friend?: No, My grip on reality was too tight.
*Red or blue?: Both have their merrits. Hence the fact that they're primary.
*Spring or fall?: Fall
*Math or English?: English.
*What are you going to do after you finish this survey?: More work?
*What was the last food you ate?: SV chips
*How many buddies are on?: 16
*Last movie you saw?: Toy Story 2/Goo Goo Dolls Live
*Last time you went out of the state: Eh...probably July-Vermont
*What book are you reading now?: Grapes of Wrath, I am a Soldier,too:The Jessica Lynch Story
*What's on your mouse pad?: a sunset
*Favorite board game?: Parcheesi. Or Taboo, but that doesnt have a board.
*Favorite magazine?: N/A
*Worst feeling in the world?: helplessness
*What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning?: School days: Again? Vacation: Maybe I'll get up later
*Chocolate or vanilla?: Chocolate.
*Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?: When I can find her
*Do you type with your fingers on the right keys?: No
*What's under your bed?: board games, fabric, old toys, Poet...
*Favorite sport to watch?: gymnastics, particularly rythmic
*Hair Color: brownish
*Height Currently: 5'5.25"
*Glasses/contacts: None
*College Plans: Theatre Studies...at the University of Vermont?
*Best Friend: JSKJ
*Boyfriend/Girlfriend: Jacob
*Things I Like to do: snuggle, talk on the phone, cook, eat Conclusion: I'm fat
*Have you ever loved someone you had no chance with: No chance? Oh! Phillip Nestark.
*Have You Ever Cried Over Something Someone of The Same Sex Did: Uh-huh
*Do You Have A "Type" Of Person You Always Go After: They all have common threads, but they're totally different. The common thread is usually that they remind me of some member of my imediate family.
*Ever Liked a close Guy/Girl Friend: Yea. 7th grade. Dave Cole. Still not talking to him, haha.
*Are You Lonely Right Now: No.
*Ever Afraid You'll Never Get Married: Sometimes, but not usually.
*Do You Want To Get Married: Yea
*Do You Want Kids: Yea
::FAVORITE::
*Room In house: Mine.
*Type of music: Whatever category Goo Goo Dolls and John Mayer fall under
*Song: Right now...I love too many songs. Top 5 Non-Classics: Frou Frou-Let Go, GGD-Black Balloon, Matchbox20-Downfall, Mae-Soundtrack to Our Movie, Kara's Flowers-If You Only Knew
*Memory: yesterday afternoon's events
*Day Of the week: Friday if I'm not tired.
*Color: kelly green and deep red
*Perfume Or Cologne: fabric softener
*Flower: sunflower or tiger lily
*Month: May/Late September-Early October
*Season: Fall
::IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU::
*Cried: Damn Rent...
*Bought something: Contributed one dollar to dinner.
*Gotten Sick: vomitted? no.
*Sang: Are you kidding? I'm my own soundtrack.
*Said I Love You: mmhmm
*Wanted To Tell Someone You Loved them, But Didnt: Uh. No.
*Met Someone New: Tom Ott. Those girls.
*Moved On: Yes, spontaneously, I am moved on. Shut up.
*Talked To Someone: Yes.
*Had A Serious Talk: if by serious you mean heartfelt
*Missed Someone: Like a bitch
*Hugged Someone: Yes.
*Kissed Someone: Plenty-o-times
*Fought With Your Parents: No.
*Had a lot of sleep: Yea

2005-02-23T23:37:00.000-05:00

Rent was ridiculous. It had a lot of energy and a good message with a creative way to say it. I cried on and off through the second act. Seasons of Love won't leave me alone.
I told Brian Winger that I was going to see Rent and he said that he didn't like Rent. All I said was, "Okay," because I had no idea whether or not I really liked it. I'd never seen it. But, now that I have, all I have to say is that Brian Winger is officially lacking a soul. You're a fucking loser, BW. I hope you discover a little something I like to call substance before you die.
BW is probably:
a homophobe
a classic rock fan
a steak eater
a vodka drinker
a litter bug
On that note, my favorite Brian Winger quote is, "What would they have done under an arranged marriage that they weren't happy in? Slash their wrists, probably." Once he realized that the only response he was getting was comprised of disgusted glares, he shrugged and shifted his weight nervously and said, "Who knows..." without really making eye contact.
Anyway, I slept in the same bed with two other Ben and Jerry's filled bellies last night. I just adore not sleeping alone. We woke to the scene of Whitney Yax advertising City Honors on the morning news. Funny stuff. We then sojourned to CH, where I trailed off to Jaycub and Sairuh and Keight went along their merry way.
Wound up at Jaycubs after a train ride. We fell asleep on the couch. It was entirely pleasant.
That's about it. I'm exhausted.

2005-02-21T21:08:00.000-05:00

So, I neglected to say something.
I came home from my Patented Alex Marien Adventure today, and my parents gave me this lecture on not leading boys on and not two-timing my boyfriend.
*raises an inquisitive eyebrow*
I'm somewhat flattered that you think every Y chromosome bows to me in admiration, but it's just not the case. I looked like a flippin' construction worker today. I was wearing highwaisted jeans, a black hoodie, marshmallow jeans, and a skull cap. My eyebrows are untweezed and my teeth felt dirty. I also talked about Jacob, who I happen to love more than...um...anything, every ten minutes. How talking about my boyfriend to another boy is leading that boy on, I'm not sure.
I enjoy Alex's company, but I am not attracted to him. Please stop cheapening an attempt I'm making at having a normal life again.
I know where the line between friends and more than friends is. I reminded them that I hung out with Zac waaay more than I hang out with Alex and that there was never a question of intentions there. Why things are different with a lanky, awkward, red-haired boy than they were with a lanky, awkward, dark-haired boy...I have no idea.
Lemme alone. I'm hyper sensitive and trying to cope with an extreme loss. If you'd like to take over, by all means. I'm sure you'd be standing.

2005-02-21T20:38:00.000-05:00

My day today entailed:
-finishing my creative writing assignment "In 30 years..."
-building a wall of a snow fort only to run for our lives
-building an entire snow fort with coaching from someone else's grandparents
-getting a happy meal (complete with My Little Pony)
-going to the Dollar Tree and buying a few choice items
-assembling a puzzle in the Tops cafe...and leaving it there
-accidently winding up at the Galleria
-playing DDR and shaming myself
-getting a Loganberry milkshake

Other adventures were had, but I am sworn to secrecy. Doesn't that drive you crazy.

2005-02-20T13:51:00.000-05:00

My favorite Julia is...
Wearing interesting stockings, has flipped up hair, and is talking enthusiastically about food (i.e., wasabi nuts or sponge candy.)
My favorite Jacob is...
fresh from the shower, smells like soap, has unusually poofy hair that is a result of brushing it back while its wet, is wearing a t-shirt and his every-day jeans without socks, and is snuggling into my shoulder.
My favorite Sarah is...
wearing her camp-councellor best, cooking quesadillas, and dancing via shaking her butt.
My favorite Keight is....
barely coherent, balled up under a crew blanket. She slips into a deep sleep mid-sentance, only to wake up half an hour later and say to my back, "Whoops, dosed off..." and attempts to resume the conversation.
My favorite Zac is...
wearing a white, pin-striped shirt, is standing 12 inches from my face on the edge of a stage, staring me straight in the eyes with his celery-colored ones, quietly loving the fact that I have to miror his every move, and slowly, calmly, deflty, pinching his own nipples.
My favorite Alex is...
Dragging his hand across his rumpled red hair painfully in an attempt to stifle his awkwardness and hiding his eyes behind the glare off of his glasses.
My favorite Carissa is...
shaking out her leg in preparation for her dance to appease the bowling gods.
My favorite Caitlyn is...
lying face-down on her desk, crinkling her papers, wheezing with laughter over the fact that I just voiced exactly what she was thinking: how much more stupid than her everyone is.

Life goal: capture all of these flashes of adorability acurately on paper or film.
Love you guys!

2005-02-19T23:57:00.000-05:00

Keight called me about an hour ago and...it was really awesome. She let out a bunch of stuff and it was nice to have someone be that honest. I've felt like, lately, there's a lot of small talk in my life. I feel like very few people are actually communicating with me.
Sometimes, my mind goes into instrumental mode. Everything has a certain feel, and you know what it's trying to convey, like music without lyrics. While I was talking to Keight, all of these things tumbled out of my mouth and I was surprised that there was a way to describe it. Feelings that I've been holding in since October just sort of flowed out and...it was relieving.
We talked about how nice it is to be around people you have no strong feelings for. Of course, having people that you feel a lot of devotion to is necessary and completely wonderful, but sometimes it's nice not to have to take every relationship seriously. It's nice to have those friends that you enjoy the company of but that you don't feel you could tell everything to. It's comforting to be around someone who doesn't know everything about you. The way I am prevents me from having secrets. I tell people I trust everything, without holding back. It's just a matter of time before my friends know every nook and cranny of my psyche. It's oddly empowering to be around someone that doesn't know much about your past or how you feel about absolutely everything. They will only know what you choose to tell them. Granted, this whole feeling of being at a distance diminishes with time, but it's queerly special while it lasts.
My relationships in which everything is shared and infinate amount of loyalty exists are invaluable and I'd never trade them for anything, but they involve a lot of work. While they're worth the work, the work can be exhausting. All I'm saying is that it's nice to be around someone whose only purpose in your life in entertainment. It's an emotional break.

Memorandum

2005-02-19T13:55:00.000-05:00

A few pieces of news:
1. Lately, when I'm tired, I feel like I'm falling apart. My head hurts like a bitch, it gets hard to breathe, and my heart pounds. It's all very pleasant.
a. I got my blood drawn because I'm sick of this.
b. Apparently there might be something wrong with my thyroid.
i. I have to get my blood tested again next month.
ii. I don't think it's a big deal. Just metabolism stuff.
iii. This would make sense, because I have little to no energy at all times.
2. I'm not in the mood to walk around the city today.
3. I have to shower, because Laura and Lucas are coming over in an hour.
4. My mom thinks that my chest feels tight and my heart feels heavy because I'm grieving. I believe her, because when I really miss Zac, these symptoms become a lot worse. I equate it to something like extreme panic.
5. It is said that the 3-6 month grieving period is the hardest. This is proving itself to be true. Only 2 more months left of this period. Hopefully.
6. I'm in love with Jacob M. Fox
7. I have a lot of homework this week.
8. I am looking forward to Tuesday very much.

Business As Usual

2005-02-18T16:38:00.000-05:00

So, these are two things that have annoyed me.
Two Exchanges with a male schoolmate. Red=annoying part.
Exchange #1:
MS: Our next Masterminds meet is on the first.
Me: Aha. I wish I could go, because City Honors would be coming.
MS: Why can't you?
Me: I have an appointment I can't break.
MS: An appointment where?
Me: If I'd wanted to say, I would have.
MS: Well....where?

Perhaps I didn't offer that I'm going to see my grief concellor because the last time I mentioned going you said, "Have fun at your crazy doctor." Loudly. From the end of my driveway.

Exchange #2
MS: I'll see you in a couple minutes.
Me: No you won't, I'm going out with Alex this afternoon.
MS: Out where?
Me: Just out.
MS: Well, can I have a ride home?
Me: What? Uh. Well, it's up to Alex.
ENTER Alex
Me: There you are. Ready?
MS: Can I have a ride home?
Alex: No.

Again, if I'd wanted to say what I was up to, I'd have told you. Also, how flipping rude to just ask some kid you never talk to to give you a ride home without saying hello first. Three extra points are awarded to Alex for flatly denying him a ride home. Even though it ended up being bitter cold and it was probably excrutiating to walk.

2005-02-17T18:40:00.000-05:00

Since I'm not doing my homework at the current moment...I shall do this dumb survey.
Last kiss: Monday night
Last library book bought: Hm. Probably Burning Up. Which is actually about arsony, not sex.
Last book read: Theories of Relativity by Barbara Obnoxious-Name
Last cuss word uttered: fuck
Last beverage drank: milk
Last food consumed: strawberry yogurt
Last phone call: Jacob
Last tv show watched: Mmm...Will and Grace, which is extraordinarily rare.
Last time showered: this mornin
Last shoes worn: black clunkers
Last cd played: The Postal Service (a la Keight)
Last item bought: bottle of Apple J
Last annoyance: "Should we tell Mr Arnone what we think?" "You mean what you said and I said, 'What?' to?"
Last disappointment: clicked Zac's blog on my favorites out of habbit today. Hasn't been updated since October 23.
Last soda drank: Um. Orange Crush? Dunno. Twas a while ago.
Last key used: Wow. I never use keys. Probably went out to the car for something weeks ago.
Last words spoken: 'kay
Last sleep: 6:53am-7:13am
Last IM: Dave Melgar?
Last ice cream eaten: Tin Roof Sundae
Last time amused: the lady who took my blood was cheerful
Last time hugged: Probably yesterday morning-mi mammy
Last time scolded: I got a very breif "It's past two am" a couple weeks ago.
Last lipstick/chapstick: Softlips
Last underwear worn: black ones with purposeful pocket
Last time dancing: Sat'day
Last show attended: Sesame Street Live, most likely.

Resolutions

2005-02-17T17:40:00.000-05:00

I will brush my teeth more often (meaning more than twice daily).
I will stop letting JM, CL (who is friends with JM), and BW get under my skin.
I will watch more films.
I will read more often.
I will experiment with music more often.
I will make one more friend (not friendly classmate) by the end of the year.
I will survive the winter.
I will be less dependent.
I will go to the library more often.
I will eat fewer processed and packaged foods (ha!).

2005-02-16T15:21:00.000-05:00

Highlights of my Day:
-calculating the visible thongs per minute in lunch (2.7 t/m)
-"I will revolutionizing the Latin music world. I will do this by being the only white, red-haired, middle aged former furniture salesman to ever sing Latin music professionally. Also, I will sing in pig-latin, not regular latin."~In Thirty Years...by Alex J Marien
-a hushed voice from the right says, in the middle of math class, "inadvertantly buy drug paraphernalia."
-The Scary Ride
-writing about my life in 30 years...I ended up a powerwalking soccer mom of three who has a friend who is a sex educator (Sarah), a friend who took off for Sedona, AZ as soon as she could (Julia), and a friend who got married, had five kids, and lives in New England.
Other than that, I've been planning adventures, looking forward to this afternoon's gathering, and I signed up for Spanish next year. Turns out I'm garunteed college credit for it because it's through Niagara University, not AP.

2005-02-16T14:51:00.000-05:00

ISQ=me BR=Dave Melgar

IndigoSailsQuirk: you know what song has always annoyed the crap out of me?
BunnieRapr: lemme guess
BunnieRapr: um. anthem by good charlotte?
IndigoSailsQuirk: oh my god. how did you get it?
BunnieRapr: whoa, am i right?!?!?!?!
IndigoSailsQuirk: yea
BunnieRapr: AHAHAHAHAH
IndigoSailsQuirk: i wish i were kidding
IndigoSailsQuirk: HAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
BunnieRapr: complete guess!
IndigoSailsQuirk: highlight of my day. yeeesss.

Speaking of pop-culture movements incurring anarchist feelings...
We were talking about the draft in Arnone's class today. And me and a certain someone were sitting there listening. She says, "I think I'll stay out of the infantry." And I said, "Me too, because I'm a coward." Her response was, "I just don't think that the United States is anything to die for."
What is, then? Your honor as a true Punk4eva? Your grotesque devotion to a trite and tired band? Your insane inability to be positive?
Way to slap everyone who has ever fought for the freedom you have to say things like that right in the face. Fuck you, you ungrateful little shit.
Unfortunately, I didn't say any of this. My only response was, "So, leave then." She smiled coyly and said she will. I doubt it, loserface.

2005-02-13T23:09:00.000-05:00

Its been a year now since you were hear now and
I'll be tryin to heal inside dedications have all been placed and
I see your resemblance in my face
And on our birthday I'll set an extra wish for you for you and
I have learned so much since you've been gone and
I have done so little for so long so now
I'll settle up my grievances and focus on the savory and wave all these discrepancies away
and I'll peter out these misconceptions
give out faith at my discretion
live a life that you would think was sane
sane
display and changes that they have made
and I wonder if you ever really wanted it this way
and in your memory they even hung a plaque for you
for you
and I have learned so much since you've been gone
and I have done so little for so long so now
I'll settle up these grievances and focus on the savory
and wave all these discrepancies away
and I'll peter out these misconceptions
give out faith at my discretion
live a life that you would think was sane
sane
~"For Justin" Dashboard Confessional

2005-02-13T13:07:00.000-05:00

I had a good day yesterday. I didn't really get around to functioning until like 3:30. Jacob came over at about 4, and we played Uno (not Duo) and watched Beauty and the Beast.
Then I (poorly) ironed his shirt while he was in the shower and we got ready for the ball.
We arrived and a good time ensued.
I probably could have lived without going bowling. I started to let people get on my nerves, as is my habbit when I'm tired.
I ended up having a dream that I was cast as Amayzing Mayzie in Seussical II, even though I hadn't tried out for it. I spent the entire dream totally lost, because everyone else had already learned the music and choreography. Also, I can't sing. For my life.
Scheduel for today:
Do homework
Maybe watch a movie with someone
Talk to Keight

2005-02-12T15:53:00.000-05:00

So, I'm trying to write this peice on a certain moonlight swim I took with some comrads of mine. And it's way harder than I thought.
So, I'm sitting here with writers block, and I decide to browse through some myspace's. All people do on those things is post pictures of themselves looking at the camera. How boring. I think more would be said about them if they put pictures of...picture-worthy things, like Dillan in the freezer, or a Methodist gymnast signing karaoke, or a laundry basket. Taking pictures of yourself with your eyebrows at various angles does not tell anyone anything about you. Shut up.

2005-02-11T14:52:00.000-05:00

I was crying in APUS today. Lab put me in such a bad mood. Physics is the worst part of my day, including Spanish. I couldn't stop thinking about Zac and all of those goddamn pictures from Homecoming. "Wow, Zac, you look fabulous! Bet you have no idea you're going to be burried in that a week from now!" Maybe that was crass of me to say, but honestly, it's the truth. I just wanted to be in Jacob's bed, laughing under the covers, like I had been less than 12 hours before. I feel like I have this wagon I'm supposed to carry my greif in and sometimes there's two fat kids in it instead of one.
All I wanted to do was slide down my locker to the floor and cry there. However, I went the extra ten feet to Alex's locker and we walked to Creative Writing, where we spent the entire period creating bizarre poems by cutting phrases out of magazines (mine was about slugs having a divine encoutner, his was about assorted meats) and plotting our next adventure. One option involves sweatbands and hand weights, the other involves recycling bins and a getaway car.
I walked home today and it was so bitter cold and windy that I felt like my face was getting ripped off. When I looked in the mirror when I got home, I saw that my cheeks were a perceivably attractive pink. I looked extraordinarily alert and warm-blooded. I thought about it, and realized that, maybe there's really hard things you have to go through, but you end up so much more alive than you had been. I appreciate good things so much more now than I did before and...well...I'm not entirely certain that I would go back and change anything. I would for Zac, but not for me. I think.

Lyrical Prose

2005-02-09T15:21:00.000-05:00

I just like that phrase. And I'm posting lyrics. Because I feel like it.

"I was on top of the world, it was right in my pocket. I was living the life. Things were just the way they should be when, from out of the sky, like a bomb, comes some little punk in a rocket. Now, all of a sudden, some strange things are happening to me."~Strange Things, Randy Newman

"I want to see the end game. I want to learn her last name. Finish on a Friday and sit in traffic on the highway. See, I refuse to believethat my life's gonna be just some string of incompletes, never to lead me to anything remotely close to home life. Been holding out for a home life my whole life." ~Home Life, John Mayer

Aaaand...the entire song "No Such Thing" by John Mayer. Listen to the whole thing carefully, not just the chorus.

2005-02-08T13:55:00.000-05:00

http://www.pbs.org/independentlens/politicaldrseuss/edu_1.pdf

uuum?!

2005-02-07T16:29:00.000-05:00

I was sprawled on Jacob's couch yesterday evening, doing my APUS homework. He was watching the Superbowl and I felt very...at home. A commercial came on, and Jacob slinked across the room and slipped under my arm, laid his head down on my chest, and wrapped his bare feet around my ankles. He quite nearly fell asleep there as I struggled to rest my homework on his shoulder without smacking him in the face.
His mom walked in the door and said, "That's an interesting way to do homework." It wasnt per se obnoxious, just...unnecessary. Oh well. My silent reply was, "Haha!"

2005-02-06T11:44:00.000-05:00

The green glowing numbers on Alex Marien's Buick Century read 1:40 AM, precisely. I'm rambling incoherently and trying to use my seatbelt as a pillow. He finds my condition entirely amusing. He is in the same condition: completely fatigued. Unfortunately, he is driving. We're pulling out of a cul de sac, when I say, with my voice muffled by the seatbelt and a curtain of hair, "Let's go somewhere."
Without hesitation, Alex says, "All right. Your choice."
I consider going down to the river and figuring out something from there. As we get to Ransom, I have a flash of brilliance, which, at that hour, was more like a flicker of insight. I droopily leaned over, and patted his pea coat as eagerly as I could. "Alex, let's go to the Huth Road playground."
Alex laughs and says, "The Huth Road playground?!" There's a pause, and he says, "Which way do I turn?"
We ended up pulling into my driveway at 2:15 am. I said, "Well. I think this evening speaks for itself. I'm just going to leave quickly before I say something awkward." I walked into the house to find two very worried parents. I felt insanely guilty, but it was totally worth it.

Just another disclaimer: Last night wasn't amazing because I fell in love with Alex Marien whilst swinging on the frozen swingset. It was amazing precisely because there weren't any romantic moments. Just good clean fun.

YaYa

2005-02-05T01:33:00.000-05:00

So, this evening. Alex and I are pacing about, because we had nothing to do. Alex is wearing his General Genghis Kahn Schmitz uniform, complete with Australian safari hat and pink medals of honor. We were approaching the end of the hallway when his face just lights up. "There's one of those awkward middle school dances tonight!" Of course, I'm interested. We tested the door for any locking mechanisms, assured ourselves that it was okay to be walking about in costume, with a mic on, and ventured into the middle school. We peered into the gym, expecting to find hos in training, and the usual separate but equal conditions for boys and girls. No dice. We went back into the dark hallways behind the stage disheartened, but with hope for the future. I will not divulge our plans, but they are BIG!
After he told me "the craziest thing he's ever done," we wondered what might be residing in the custodial closet. Even though the plans that we had for tomarrow are much more risky than just stepping into a closet, Alex was flipping out. I just walked in and started going through stuff and he was like jumping up and down, wanting me to come out so we wouldn't look suspicious. We were the only living souls in that hallway. Hopefully, he will not disappoint tomarrow.
Previously, i had been walking down the back halls by the new gym with Vincent Covatto. We were walking in perfect sync, moving our knees as little as possible. We were wearing the same type of shoes, and our footsteps resonated in the empty hallway in a way that almost divine. It was the most calm and peaceful 60 seconds I've had in a long time. Something about it was just...ahhhhh.
After the performance, I went to Yaya's with Sarah-Jane, Matt, Jimmy, Sarah ElHousani, Toni, and Tiffany and her boyfriend. We had a raucus time, praising the slaw, doing the hustle in the middle of the restuarant (much to the pleasure of the adults), and drinking two pitchers of Shirle Temples. It was a grand, grand time. The soundtrack was perfectly upbeat and everyone was singing and spontaneously breaking into dance. I loved it.
Other happy moments today included:
-Dave Melgar coming to sit with us in lunch!
-Carissa skipping studyhall to have lunch with us!
-Alex's "physical world" presentation
-my "physical world" presentation...entirely because I got to talk about Quality Markets
-Gallagher said I could be an amazing spiker (volleyball) if I only realized my potential
-"Soooold. SoooOOOoold. SooOOOooold.-OooooOOOOH, HorTON!-SooooOOOooold."
Jimmy Weatherston...sing me to sleep. Every night.
Things I Have to Be Greatful For:
1. Jacob/BSP..all they encompass. You all know.
2. Carissa's ridiculous ability to laugh at herself
3. The fact that people treat me with respect even though I dont deserve it
4. Zachary Robert Zarbo. I love you so much, darlin. I miss you like a hog misses his slop, but I you can't believe the immense joy that reenacting "Viral Transfer Complete" over dinner this evening filled me with. Thank you so much for everything you ever did to make me laugh. Including, but not limited to, "Core Meltdown in 5...4....3...2...1...", "Puhthetic.", "Overdrive!", and "Robu-hahahahahahaha!"
Things I'm Looking Forward To:
1. Seeing Jacob Matthew Fox, Katherine E. Peruzzini, and Julia E. Broman
2. Seeing Nick Hahn
3. My and Alex's PLANS
4. Seeing Carissa
5. Winter Ball
6. RRR Part 2

I'm freezing, full, and fatigued. Time for a bit of a respite.

An Auspicious Start

2005-02-03T14:53:00.000-05:00

I found this gem amongst some of my childhood relics in my mother's cupboard. Judging by the trendy open circles over the lower-case i's, I wrote this in fourth grade.

Once upon a time, there was an ugly princess named Olivia. Olivia lived in Spain. There was a witch who lived next door. One day Olivia got hit on the head with the witch's 5,000,000 pound ^magic (added in later with a carrot) anvil. The anvil made her die. She could only be alive if someone sat on her. Everybody thought she was so ugly nobody dared to touch her. One lady told the carpender to build a fence around her. So for the next mileniom Olivia didn't live unhappily ever after.

That ambiguous ending was accompanied by a rather choice drawing of a stringy haired, disproportionately limbed, pigeon-toed, cross-eyed, knobby-kneed girl wearing a triangular dress and missing every other tooth.
I also found a play I wrote and directed in second grade. It was about the disillusioned runaway penguin, Waddles, and his popular jock brother. Unfortunately, the page with the ending was lost. Or, the last thing I wrote, "They went to bed at 7:00 and got up at 5:00 to look for him" was my idea of a satisfying resolution.
This all explains why I still have problems, to this day, with ending creative writing peices. I usually don't, actually.
In addition, I found my first ever bullshitted assignment. Written at the end of my fifth grade year, I wrote a heart warmingly simplictic composition on "What Huth Road Elementary means to me." In it, I lied like I never had before. I said that Huth Road was "like a second home" and that I had "5 of the best teachers," among other blatant untruths. My favorite statement aside from the second home business was the affectionate sentance about learning to play kickball and soccer, two sports during which my classmates mocked me endlessly for constantly scoring for the other team or being too slow.
Unfortunately, this was also the first time that bullshitting an assignment came up to bite me in the face. My teacher thought my essay was so well-done, so heartfelt that she made me read it at fifth grade graduation.

Hooky

2005-02-02T10:38:00.000-05:00

So, I'm taking a mental health day. I'm going to be at musical practice, though. Because I have to. Before I get cracking on today's work, I'm going to complete a survey.
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY
1. Kare Kate
2. M. Jazz
3. Baby Cakes (don't be alarmed, this is a joke.)
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. FlamingoJackRox
2. PinkHoodlum17
3. MoodyFunshine
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My ability to choose excellent companions
2. my vocabulary
3. the fact that I'm not a fronter
THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. my need for a social situation instruction manual
2. my uncanny ability to convey the exact opposite of what I mean by not being able to control my tone/not thinking before I speak
3. my total inability to dance
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. a small yellow (formerly red) house in Kenmore with a green shag rug
2. Smugg's
3. The Berenstein Bears
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. losing more people I love
2. developing a mental illness
3. losing my sense of humor as I age
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Zac locket
2. BSP spoon
3. Jacob bracelet
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Jacob's pants
2. a Dollar Tree bra, complete with reflective fabric
3. ILOVERMONT t-shirt
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS (at the moment):
1. Kara's Flowers
2. John Mayer
3. Matchbox 20
THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. ......
2. driving
3. directing a show
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP
1. conversation skills
2. affirmation that my strong feelings are 100% reciprocated
3. ability to be ungroomed in the presence of each other
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE
1. I'm extraordinarily needy.
2. My ambition is to wake up next to someone I love, make babies with them, and feed everyone.
3. I believe that people in church are correct in all that they say.
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX (or same) THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. NOT ripped. No. No. No. No. No.
2. no blonde hair or blue eyes. something about it creeps me out.
3. honesty. don't gel your hair into an unnatural shape, don't pluck your eyebrows, don't tan, don't wear clothes just because they're "in."
THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. B uninhibited when it comes to my body. Most of the time.
2. manage my time
3. bite my tounge
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. snuggling with certain folk
2. talking to people as much as possible
3. going on bizarrely purposed outings ("We must get the scrunchies and food dye! Why don't we get one biscuit, too?")
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. fall asleep with Jacob
2. wake up in Sycamore 23 (not related to the first one. These would have to be separate events)
3. get out of highschool and bring my favorite people with me. (Sarah, Keight, Julia, Jacob, Carissa, Mandi, Alex, Zac, Caitlyn)
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. wife/mother
2. stage director
3. ......that's it. Professional Laundress?
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. SYCAMORES 23
2. Italy
3. London
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. have a family
2. watch the BSP kids grow into bizarrely disfunctional human beings
3. figure out what afterlife consists of. This should probably be number one...
THREE WAYS I AM STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY
1. I don't spend much time on my appearance
2. I'm fascinated by breasts (not attracted to them)
3. the way I eat
THREE WAYS I AM STEREOTYPICALLY A CHICK
1. I eat ice cream when I'm upset.
2. I love to dress up
3. I talk about boys. All the time. Often over the phone.
THREE CELEB CRUSHES
1. jake gyllenhaal (whatever)
2. Aragorn (not Viggo Mortensen. Just Aragorn.)
3. mmmm....I suppose whoever plays Harry in Spider-man. But not so much in the second one. He looks too polished.

2005-02-01T19:29:00.000-05:00

I feel...
totally undesirable, selfish, gross, jealous, intense longing, out of place, gluttonous, lazy, irresponsible, immature, greif, neglected, unimportant, obnoxious, mopey, tired, fat, annoying,
clingy, bitchy, apathetic, dispensible, awkward, bored, out of shape, like an obligation, talentless, like shit.
Honestly. I dont know why I can't just be happy. I feel so insignificant.
I just fucking want people to get off of my back. Stop demanding things of me. I can't handle anything.
Something is missing. There's this giant hole in me that is always empty. Basically, I just want a Zac supplement. I just want to have a male friend who isnt constantly touching me. Obviously Jacob is allowed this, but other people aren't. Nick's cool, but our relationship is not at all what I'm looking for. I'm not saying that I don't need what Nick has to offer. I'm just saying he doesn't have everything. I've been searching desperately for someone who doesn't make me think, "Why aren't you Zac? What's wrong with you? Get away from me."
And I know who I want to play the part. However, I don't want to put in the time and work. I just want things to be instantaneously Zac status. I miss that part of my life so much. I can't explain it, it's just something that I need. Im not looking for someone who is just like Zac, but I'm looking for someone who can take care of me in the way that he did.
Don't start with the "I thought I Was Enough" routine. If you are female or dating me, you can not in any possible way fill this hole in me.
I spend so much time clutching my stupid locket and staring at the pictures and leaning against Zac's stage door and boaring my eyes into the boy I think can fix it. And I'm sick of people accusing me of having a crush on this kid. I fucking don't, okay? The precise reason I want him around is so that I can have a male companion who is not...I don't even know.
I just want to go to bed.

Passing Time

2005-01-31T01:14:00.000-05:00

So, I'm sitting up like an eager puppy, waiting for Jacob to come online and be like, "I didn't die on my ski trip! Call me because I miss you!"
Doubtless, his mother has imprisoned him in the kitchen, guilt-tripping him that..
Oh, never mind. Here he is.

Rink Therapy

2005-01-29T11:51:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning with one sock, tank top obscenely askew, a severe lower back ache, and the undeniable urge to take a crap.
These are all the results of an AMAZING day yesterday.
I woke up at seven, thought it was a school day and exclaimed, "Yes! No English for me!" Then I realized that it was the morning of the Math B exam and hopped in the shower.
I pulled on my Spotlighters hoodie over my wet hair and headed out the door. I hiked up to Mrs Flynn's room and smirked indignantly at her, "Yea. In spite of your crappy teaching methods, I'm still able to take the exam."
I took the exam with nary a hitch and made my way to the payphone and called for a ride home. I ran into Jeremy who was posing like he was in an American Eagle ad (collar popped, jeans ripped, hand in pocket, leather jacket and hair that's too long), trying to snatch up a middle school girl.
Nick ended up coming home with me and we ate soup and enjoyed each other until practice at noon.
Somehow, practice was highly tolerable. I think it was largely due to the fact that I completely shirked my minimal responsibilities and just sat with Alex for the entire practice. He's so comfortingly awkward. I was telling him about Jacob and how my hair used to be so long it would get stuck in my buttcrack when I was in the shower and about the acclaimed Jonah Richmond, and he somehow found all of it rivetting. I think two of the main reasons I like him is that he laughs only in appropriate spots and has never ever ever gotten in my personal space.
Also, Carissa Bailey...I love you.
I came home from practice and didn't do much until seven, when Chris drove me to...THE RAINBOW ROLLER RINK! We arrived to find a bunch of "teens" (Im not sure how many were actually 13) smoking and cursing and bearing mohawks and cute little cleavage. I told him I was scared to go in by myself and asked him to wait with me until my friends arrived.
We got out of the car and started to head towards the door, when I saw a girl in a lime green mini skirt, a jacket reminisent of ABBA fashion, and crackwhore makeup, a boy wearing a skintight denim outfit that "hugged his curves nicely" who also bore shiney braces, and a girl with a Peter Pan mask of black makeup around her eyes, a really short dress, fishnets, and argyle socks.
"Oh. You can go now, Chris. My friends are here."
I approached them in my acidwash jeans, polo dress, Freddie neckerchief, and side ponytail secured with a hot pink pleather scrunchie. We immediately burst out laughing, admiring each other's skating garb and laughed at how seriously everyone else was taking themselves.
We rented rollerSKATES, not blades, and were surprised to find how much more difficult having a wheel on each corner of your shoe is as opposed to having four down the middle. We rented some grungey lockers and got our skate on.
Everyone was whipping around us in their blades and turning around to point and laugh at our outfits. This only encouraged us. Dave danced like a madman on his skates that gave him 4 inches and 8 pounds, Mandi continually flashed her swimsuit bottoms at little boys, and Nakita and I just laughed and tried not to fall over.
There were probably about 100 kids there, and Dave, Mandi, Nakita, and I were four of the maybe 12 people with skates on. The rest were dancing and picking up kewt boys.
Some kid who kept cutting me off all night skated over to me and said, "Hey. Where y'all from?" "Grand Island." "Sorry to keep cutting you off like that." "That's okay. I'm a slow skater." "How old are you?" "16" "How old do you think I am?" "....15?" "I'm 20. I just came back from Iraq."
He continued to tell me about how his girlfriend of 6 years dumped him when she found out he was going to Iraq and how he was certain that he would come back and here he is.
He asked me if Dave was my boyfriend and I said, "No. But I've had the same boyfriend for a year." and then he asked if Mandi and Nakita were single. And I was like, "I'm honestly not sure. I don't keep up with that stuff."
He continued to intrude upon my skating time for quite some time, asked if me and my girls wanted anything to eat (to which I replied, "No, we brought our own peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.") and hounded me for information about Mandi and Nakita. I finally told him, "They're not taken, but they prefer the single life." He then moved on to a group of 12 year olds who were not skating.
I don't know if it was the scrunchie, Mandi's bright blue eyes, Dave's total lack of inhibitions, or the flesh being scraped off of my foot by the exposed screws in the bottom of my skate, but last night was the most alive I've felt in...who knows how long. I was chugging along on my skates that had a tendency to vere to the right, staring up at the lights that haven't been cleaned since the last time I was there (six years ago), listening to the horrible ghetto fabulous music, and something clicked. I looked over at Nakita who had someone else's blood on her shirt from a mosh pit, Dave who was chasing some little boys with his "monster claws" extended, and Mandi who was throwing her head back in laughter and had this profound sense of belonging. I was out with kids I always thought would never find me interesting enough to spend time on and I didn't have any security blanket. No Sarah, no Keight, no Jacob, no one to catch me if I fell. I was making new friends all by myself, without the aid of people who know me better than I know myself.
We left with sore bodies and blisters the size of semi-ping pong balls and got into Dave's tiny red car and left with Jump On It blaring out of the windows, laughing with the satisfaction that we don't have to go home to our crack-dealing dads or to our baby's daddies.

2005-01-28T18:04:00.000-05:00

So, I just found out that I'm not the only person in the world that thinks tennis serves are "hott." Honestly, I thought I was the only one. It's the only reason I watch tennis. I can't explain it without sounding like Blanche Devero, so...just trust me. There's something about that one moment before the ball gets anialated...

2005-01-27T22:51:00.000-05:00

"You see, I toss and turn when I'm alone. I just can't wait 'til you get home."
Man, that 'N Sync. They know where it's at.
I'm such a loser.
I'm like "Um...My boyfriend is on vacation. I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I'll mope...and eat half a tray of brownies."
Not kidding about the brownies.
On another note, I had so many discussions about vaginas today, it's not even funny. Honestly, they're the most foul things on the Earth. Penises are downright gross, but vaginas...God. At least penises are honest. They have nothing to hide. Who knows what nasty tricks vaginas have up their sleaves. I'm glad I'm not a boy because I a. Don't have a penis and b. don't have to touch vaginas to acheive satisfaction...unless I'm a loser that masturbates. Which I am not. It's a pride issue. *recoils at the thought of involving self with a vagina*
Other than that...I read a letter that Zac wrote to me from camp. And...I'm not sure how I feel about it. It was so casual. It wasn't even funny. He was like "I miss you already! (two days since he's been gone) It's an experience not being able to just pick up a phone and talk to you."
Oh the irony.

2005-01-27T10:52:00.000-05:00

I burst into tears four times yesterday.
I am determined that today will be different.
I will numb myself with fats and oils to not be able to feel anything.
I will avoid C.L., V.C., D.T. ... and everyone else besides Carissa M. Bailey, Nick J. Thompson, Melissa L. Afusso, and Alex J. Marien.
I will not see the casket today.
I will not listen to Seasons of Love today.

Greivances

2005-01-26T23:00:00.000-05:00

-the amount of times things are repeated in my house
- the amount of times Im interupted
-the amount of times my personal space is invaded by the wrong people
-the uncanny semblance of a sausage that girl has
-the way the stage crew can't take a plain order and just...do it
-that laugh
-the amount of times she's wearing his hat
-her face
-the way she walks like she's in a debaucherous paperback
-the amount of times 4 measures of music is repeated at rehersal
-when people just out of no where start talking to other people while they're on the phone with me, while I'm talking
-the amount of disdain she has for the crew: move your own flippin custom made set peices
-the way that woman yells EVERYTHING
-the amount of times she says "you break it, you're out of the number. put it in your bin or don't take it."
-the fact that we cant put our feet on the auditorium chairs, like they're flippin velvet
-the way my little brother meows entire paragraphs
-how I can't cry anymore, just make choking sounds
-the fact that I only like 4 people in the musical
-my frickin APUS text book STOP WRITING SO ILLUSTRIOUSLY! The greatest American writers were concise, not verbose and implicit. STOP!
-I have to go back to Brian Winger in a couple of days
-I havent talked to Sarah at all
-Bekki Slewa!
-her HUGE gums
-the way that kid has to be slapstick funny ALL THE TIME
-how my hands never get warm
-those ugly lights above the platforms
-the dust content of the air backstage

I'm effing losing my mind.

Aha!

2005-01-26T17:12:00.000-05:00

So, I had a shit day.
The only good part of it was when I was sitting completely alone in the middle of the auditorium, trying to get my APUS homework done and Alex Marien just made a beeline for me as soon as he was done on stage. He sat next to me for a while and I was crying I was laughing so hard and so was he.
I was thinking about this while I was standing out in the cold, waiting for my mom, and crying tears of frustration. And then it dawned on me.
See, I've been feeling guilty about having this pull towards Alex Marien. Because, hello, I'm someone's girlfriend. And I've been freaking out over it. Why do I always seek out Alex Marien?
I finally realized today that it's not because I'm such a bad girlfriend that I've developed a crush on someone else.
It's because Alex is the only person that makes me laugh as hard and as often as Zac used to by simply being himself. He doesn't crack brilliant jokes or do silly stunts. He doesn't even say much.He's just hilarious in manner. Which is precisely the way that Zac was. I've never met anyone else that just makes me laugh by standing still or by saying hello. Alex is equivilant in awkwardness to Zac, and that's why I enjoy spending time with him so much. I'm not attracted to the kid, for Chrissake.

2005-01-25T17:38:00.000-05:00

So, highlight of my day:
Alex Marien is walking past me during practice wearing that dumb Oregon Trail sweatshirt. He hesitates in front of me, nudges my foot, looks satisfied with himself, and continues walking.
Other highlight:
D.T. is dancing right in front of Carissa Bailey, I catch Carissa's eye, and we both burst out laughing. Unfortunately for her, she was supposed to be singing.
Lowlight of my day:
Vincent was playing with my hair. I puffed up like a mother hen and got so mad about it. I didn't say anything, but I wanted to slap his hands away. It's not that it was so annoying..I just can't let anyone besides Jacob do that. I just can't. And he kept touching my face on the way to my hair. My blood was boiling. I just want my personal space. I hate not having control over what other people do to me. Leave that one fucking part of me to Jacob!

Also, Flatty McChestless: You messed around with him last spring. Don't do it again. I'll break your fingers. You're not the greatest seductress that ever walked. Your features are way too small for your face. Just like your boobs are too small for your body.

Other than that, my day was profoundly uneventful.

2005-01-24T23:38:00.000-05:00

364 days, what?

Diplomacy

2005-01-24T14:36:00.000-05:00

Burger King vs McDonalds moment. n. derived from the age old conflict between BK fans and McDonalds fans meaning an argument in which neither side will listen to the other. Commonly found between a teacher and a student.
I'm pretty sure the comment underneath Spanish L4, Brian Winger will read, "Lacks focus/motivation. Is often disrespectful and disruptive." Only time will tell.

Nice job.

2005-01-23T17:20:00.000-05:00

"why do you like me?" "i dunno, cuz youre hot and nice and stuff"
This conversation doesnt involve me, which you can clearly conclude because a total of one male has ever called me "hot" to my face. Or maybe two.
Anyway, I think I'd cry if my most charming attributes were my physical attractiveness and the fact that I'm polite and considerate.

YES!

2005-01-23T02:03:00.000-05:00

Deb(Please rate my quiz)

Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Dreamy

2005-01-23T01:05:00.000-05:00

IndigoSailsQuirk: id love to own a diner
IndigoSailsQuirk: and have a short-order cook
IndigoSailsQuirk: and get construction workers as customers. and they'd drink their coffe black and tell me their problems
roonster111: that!roonster111: would be spiffy
roonster111: and you could always be that girl
roonster111: that everyone loves
roonster111: and watches out for
IndigoSailsQuirk: and i'd wear courds to work everyday and tape cheap paper decortions to the windows
IndigoSailsQuirk: and i'd have a messy ponytail yet some young down-to-earth construciton worker sees the beauty in me anyway and we fall in love and have humble children
roonster111: yes!
roonster111: perfect
IndigoSailsQuirk: ugh. i ache for that kind of simple existence.

There I go discovering things about myself while just shooting the breeze again.

Ha!

2005-01-22T22:59:00.000-05:00

"perhaps i just miss you so much that i pretend to hear your voice whenever i hear other people talk O_o"
98% sure this was sarcastic, but still ever so vindicating!

An Infinity of Those

2005-01-21T22:50:00.000-05:00

...good moments that get you through the day.

Second Period, Spanish.
I forget what he was talking about, but Brian Winger said "aprovecharse." And then he said it again. And then he said it again. And then he went over to the wall and started to pull out his lover, the overhead projector. At this point, I was grinning from ear to ear. I turned around and looked at Sarah, 4 seats behind me. She was grinning, too. I look back at Brian and he's saying it again. It's written on the overhead, and he's underlining it. I totally, 100% lost it. I was weazing with laughter with my face flat on my desk. Brian looks at me inquisitively and I just flat out told him. "That's all you do! *more laughing* You just say something like six times and write it on the overhead and then say it again. And then you underline it. Every time!" His response was, "Well, yea. That's how you do it. You've got it down, Maria. You could be a foreign language teacher."
He continued to mention it for the rest of the period. Then he said, "Your attitude is unreal. You're so intelligent, but you do the bare minimum," to which I responded, "Okay."

Sixth period, Math.
Alex Marien walks in wearing his Gentlemen Prefer Blondes shirt from his sophomore year. It was obviously faded from frequent usage.

Eighth period, Lunch.
Discussing the merrits of being so straightedge you've never had a drop of beer with Carl Linquist. And then arguing over whether or not Sam Adams was ever an actual politician.

Ninth period, Physics.
I just flippin love Mr. Lee Nowocein. Live in my house. Come rushing in the front door while I'm watching TV and drag me outside to show me how to properly toss an egg. Eat toast with jelly on it while sitting at the table in your stockingfeet. Awkwardly try to learn to crochet from my mom and attempt to use the equation J=F(delta t) to figure it out.

Standing in Tai Pei with my mom, waiting for my cashew chicken.
It's eerily quiet in there aside from some Chinese Clay Aiken coming from the speakers in the ceiling. It's mostly turquiose and light pink in there, a color combination that really needs to be used effectively or not at all. There's an unhappy looking man in a hooded winter coat sitting in a chair against the wall. Most of the lights are off. The buffet tables are empty. A mop and one of those dustpans you can use while standing erect are creeping out from behind a sad-looking buffet table with individual alphabet stickers, indicating what's in it at lunch time. I was thinking about how sad it was that no one was in there and how much empty resturants depress me and how lonely it must be to own a place like that, when I turned to my mom and said, out of the blue, "You know who I really like?" "Who?" "Jacob." She looked at me and choked back a laugh and said, "That's good." I dont know, something about it was funny and comforting.

Just now.
neon STwist: sarah should just be a hermit lol
IndigoSailsQuirk: you're too asethetically pleasing to do that
IndigoSailsQuirk: and your clothes are too cool
IndigoSailsQuirk: and no one would think im funny if you werent around
IndigoSailsQuirk: and id just feel like a big awkward freak
neon STwist: awww big awkward freak, thats cute
IndigoSailsQuirk: what if i were like 6 feet tall
IndigoSailsQuirk: would you still like me?
neon STwist: i wouldnt be friends with you. you'd make me feel very nervous and i wouldnt like being around you
IndigoSailsQuirk: *considers being upset and then realizes thats the exact answer she expected*

Napoleon Blownaparte

2005-01-20T18:16:00.000-05:00

So, I'm sick of young people dieing. I didnt know the boys who died this week. Honestly, I dont even really know their names. I'm not wrecked by it. I'm not going to pretend that. However, I'm frustrated, disappointed, and scared by it.
God, if you want to tell me something, just come out and say it. Don't take lives to do it. Your "messengers" don't do anything but repulse me. Thanks.
Ellie Fox, you are a gem. "If u were a song what would u be Break Away or cha cha slide?"
Other than that, Devin and I have decided that the only appropriate gift for Mike Militello would be a sculpture of a nude person (gender still indecided) made out of clementines.
Also, my grandpa has been becoming rather incoherent and I feel so sad for him. The thought of him all alone in that house made me cry in Tops today. We want him to move to a senior complex on the island. His house is dark and cluttered and he's lonely. Maow.
Went to the doctor today. Apparently, I'm perfectly proportioned in terms of weight and height. They showed it on a graph. So it must be true. However, I need to drink more milk and excersize and sleep more. Tell me something I don't know.

Powder Your Cheeks

2005-01-19T15:32:00.000-05:00

Revisions have been made to yesterday's post. I forgot part of the conversation and I decided to censor myself.
I hate the Oreo dust that lives on the sides of your milk glass. I love Oreos dunked in milk, but I hate the result.
So, I'm fat.
My preferred activities as of now are:
1. Waking up and glancing around the room to find my best friends in various states of consciousness, knowing another day of laundry, ice cream, and mahem is in store.
2. Playing in the snow.
3. Sleeping.

Probably should reverse the order of those last two.

I painted a lot of stuff for Seussical today. I really wish I could just be in the auditorium/anywhere working on stuff for plays all the time. It's what I actually like to do and there's real motivation to work. Muh.
Can't wait for college.

Eres un Chiste, Brian

2005-01-18T15:59:00.000-05:00

All right. Brian Winger vs. Mary Kate Ultimate Smackdown, Thus Far
Comments in green are in Spanish, blue are under my breath...which doesn't mean much because my desk is right next to him.

B: What a great weekend. It's always nice to have an extra day off.
Class: No response
B: I think that we should work until five every day and then just get three day weekends every week.
MK: You've said so before. (Translate: You are so tired and beat, you lameass.)
B: What do you guys think about having more school?
Class: No response
B: You see, *flicks on overhead projector* This is how many days the Germans, Japanese, English...go to school *writes down 220* How many days do you think we go?
Class: No response
B: *writes down 180* A hundred and eighty. A hundred and eighty seven for teachers. This is why we're more stupid than other countries.
MK: *raises an eyebrow* (Translate: If you flip on that overhead projector or repeat yourself one more time, I'm gonna punch you.)
B: Other countries are so much better at math. We can't compete. Do you think we should go to school for longer?
Class: No response
B: Do you think we should go to school for longer?
Class: No response
B: Maria, what do you think?
MK: I don't care.
B: *looks at me like I'm stupid* Sarah, could you translate for us?
S: You said that other countries are better than us because they go to school for longer.
B: *looks at me smugly*
MK: *raises an eyebrow* (Translate: You just want her to have your babies and you hate me because I challenge you. You don't like a challenge, Brian? You're lazy.)
B: Who thinks we should go to school for longer? *raises hand*
Class: No response
B: Who thinks it should stay the same?
Class: a few raise their hands
B: So you just want everything to be the same?
Class: No response
B: You should see the Japanese kids. They're amazing at math. Of course, all they do is work there. But, doesn't it make you feel stupid?
MK: I think that there's more to life than math.
B: But we can't compete.
MK: I don't care.
B: Germany, Japan, England...they're all so much smarter than us.
MK: Uh...So?
B: You're complacent.
MK: *tenses up* No, I just have my own opinion. School isn't everything (Brian).
B: No. You're complacent.
MK: Not really. I'm just gonna have to disagree with you today.
B: I just wanted to talk about how much I like three day weekends.
MK: If we have three day weekends, we won't be able to keep up with the Japanese.
B: Well, now that we're done with that argument that has nothing to do with class....You know, I was just doing it to see if you understood Spanish. Which obviously didn't work.
MK: *raises an eyebrow* (Tanslate: You arrogant bastard.)

Later on in class, talking about commands.
B: For instance, you'd say "Be nice, Maria."

My stance on the whole thing: Brian Winger, you can just go *beep* someone else's wife.
To be more intelligent: Why don't you, such a big fan of statistics, look up the suicide rates in youths in Japan as opposed to those here. Maybe I'll give you a dolare. Or maybe even a punto so we can subimos and listen to your 1992 Marenge tapes.

Quel DUMB

2005-01-17T14:16:00.000-05:00

This is the CD I made. I was listening to it in the shower and just started crying. Am I this much of a fetus? This has got to stop.

1. "In my heart, it's the five of us."
2. "I wake up, thoughts of you tattooed to my mind as I wonder what to wear, what to eat, who to be, will I see you again? And as my car breaks down, I shake my head and say, 'What a day.' If you only knew."
3. "So lonely inside; so busy out there. And all you wanted was somebody who cares. I'm sinking slowly, so hurry home. Your hand is all I have to keep me holding on. Please can you tell me, so I can finally see where you go when you're gone?"
4. "I listen to my words, but they fall far below. I let my music take me where my heart wants to go."
5. "It's time now, to see now, that the story never ends. Let's celebrate, remember a year in the life of friends."
6. "Though its not easy to tell you goodbye, I'll take a chance, take a risk, make a change, and break away. Out of the darkness and into the sun."
7. "You'll be in my heart, no matter what they say. You'll be here in my heart, always. Why can't they understand the way we feel? They just don't trust what they can't explain."
8. "The worst is over. You can have the best of me. We got older, but we're still young."
9. "Baby, baby, baby...When all your love is gone, who is gonna save me from all I'm up against out in this world?"
10. "I'm through accepting limits because someone says they're so. I'm going to try defying gravity."
11. "When you miss a day with your friends, your whole life's a drag. "
12. "Ever since I tried trying not to find every little meaning in my life, it's been fine; I've been cool with my new golden rule. Numb is the new deep. Done with the old me. And talk is the same cheap it's been. Is there a God?Why is he waiting?Don't you think of it odd when he knows my address?"
13. "Baby, you're all that I want when you're lying here in my arms. I'm finding it hard to believe we're in heaven."
14. "I want you to believe in me. I want so much so bad. I've always been with you. Give all that's within you. Be my savior and I'll be your downfall. Yea, be my savior. Only love can save us now. Oh, save me now."
15. "Sew this up with threads of reason and regret, so I will not forget. I will not forget how this felt one year, six months ago, I cannot forget. I cannot forget. I'm falling into memories of you and things we used to do. Follow me there, a beautiful somewhere, I place that I can share with you."
16. "Here I rest. Disappointment and regret collide when I lie awake at night."
17. "I don't wanna talk about it. I just want to cry in front of you because I'm in love with you."
18. "When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love, you'll understand what I mean when I say there's no way we're gonna give up. And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams, Is there anyone out there? 'Cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe."
19. "Tonight I watched the lights go out in your house, wondering how I could get so deep, and you could still get sleep. In vain, I blame my trembling on the cold air, but I can't hide that I relied on you, like yellow does on blue. And you're my Good Feeling. I'm kneeling. Inside a room, she paints me blue. And you are my reason for BREATHING."

Feck

2005-01-15T23:37:00.000-05:00

First, a short list:
1. My parents
2. Conan O'Brien
3. J & J
4. Megan H.
5. Lindsey Lohan
6. Most of my adult relatives
7. Dawn D.
8. Andy L.
9. Chris D.

These are people I am envious of for one universal reason. ERGH!

So, anyway. Last night, I went to Jon Topalski's house after purchasing a Dora the Explorer alarm clock. Vincent Covatto, Nate Evans, Carl Linquist, Jared whatshisface, Phil Henderson, Corey something, and a kid named Jack were there also. It was an interesting group of people. We watched Shaun of the Dead, which was good, aside from the part where they ate David.
This morning, I went to Jacob's. We had a splendid, well-rounded day. A memorial service, an R-rated movie, dinner at Friday's, homework, and plenty of interruptions that led to my manufacturing of the list above.
Jacob and I should write a book on awkward moments.
"What just grabbed my foot?" "Was it my foot brushing against it?" "No. It was a HAND." *Ellie materializes from the floor*
^way more awkward when you know the circumstances
"God, I'm just going to go home and eat a gallon of ice cream. I'll be like 'Fuck this, I'm gonna get fat. No sense in remaining attractive. It's just frustrating.' "

You know.

Blub

2005-01-13T23:25:00.000-05:00

So, a few key points:
1. Brian Winger, you're a d***. I've never called anyone that. Ever. You earned it.
2. I'm going to marry Mr. Nowocein. "Nice delta t on that one!" "Wanna come outside and do some egg toss?" Ahahaha. Rattle off some more formulas and make some more corny jokes, please!
3. My poor mother. Infinately worse than the "What are the handcuffs for" incident was the incident in the car this evening. Aha. You know if you're entitled to this information or not. Don't ask otherwise.

Dame Reaglos

2005-01-12T17:07:00.000-05:00

If anyone would like to buy me DVD of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, I'm pretty sure I'd love you for the rest of my life.
That's The Secret Live of Walter Mitty. Eternal Love. Dame lo.

What's that smell?

2005-01-11T18:37:00.000-05:00

Clinique Bonus Time? I wish. God, Zac, I miss you so much.
I'd say that smell is fresh sliced defeat.
I succumb to my greif. I'm done pretending I feel "okay" or "just fine." I feel like steaming shit. Not all the time, but it's often enough. And it's wearing me down and it's not fair to the people around me because it makes me treat them in ways they don't deserve. The people I love deserve a Mary Kate that doesnt cry every day for no reason or one that dumps all her sadness on them.
I'm done. Just finished.
I knocked myself upside the head this morning and forced myself to accept the fact that I am not okay, nor is it healthy to think that I'm this granite slab that can take all of this weight and just keep adding every day. I was bent over in front of my dresser, Maroon 5 string tribute in the background, and I'm trying to get my stupid pants on by light of these cheap Christmas lights I hung up to make life softer and my stupid/lovely cat is playing with my wet hair like it's yarn and patting my bare back with her paw and I'm thinking, "What the hell am I doing? Why am I pretending I'm glad to get up and go to school?"
That was a run-on.
I'm feeling better. I really am. I'm occupying myself. I'm distracting myself from everything that bothers me. Which is way more than Zac's absense. I don't even think about him that often. Well, in ratio to how it used to be. Every little thing cuts me to deep, and I'm sick of it.
I'm not going to be like the rest of my family and let stress and depression fester until I have to be hospitalized/medicated for it. I refuse to give into what my genetics predispose me to. It's totally unfair and I won't stand for it.
So, I've decided that it's in my best interest to go and "talk to someone." I feel weak and defeated for it, but I have to suck up my pride and just do it. The most major amount of stress in my life is put on me by myself. Its this concentrated, tearing pressure to be okay, to be changed for the better, to be well-rounded, to be a good daughter, to be an interesting girlfriend, to be a loyal friend.
And you know what I've realized? I'm killing myself. Why am I putting so much pressure on me? It's hurting more than its helping. It's so stupid and, honestly, embarassing. I'm supposed to be put-together and authoratative and in conrtol. I'm not anymore. Something whipped the rug out from underneath me and, dammit, I'm just gonna march across the room, get the damned rug, drag it back to where the sun hits it just right, and stand on it.
The only thing is, I can't do it by myself or with the people around me. They help, but not enough. It's not their fault and I don't resent them. I'm just sick of waiting to be saved. It's childish of me to place all of my faith in other people. I'm not shutting people out, I'm just trying tp protect myself. I don't have to change how I feel about them, I just have to change how I feel without them. I need to have something left for myself. Just a little bit.
This is so disorganized.
Whatevs. You don't have to read it.
Carissa was such an amazing help to me. I was bowling gutter balls and... I don't know. It was just me and her and we were just existing together. We weren't ripping on each other like we always do and we weren't peeing our pants laughing. Don't get me wrong, I love that stuff. However, it was nice to just be today. She really seems to get me even though she doesnt know all that much about me. It's nice to have someone relatively fresh in my life.
Also, Ryan Kucharski is a good boy. Sitting across from him in lunch is one of the best parts of my day. I don't know why, specifically. It's just because he seems so relaxed and satisfied. Maybe he's not, but he just gives off that air. He just laughs when he thinks something's funny and doesn't when he doesn't. He wears what he wants and doesn't brush his hair and it's just plain refreshing. He never talks about school work or classes. It's awesome.
And, with that, I'm going to go....maybe do some studying. I don't know.

Maybe when I'm not so tired
Maybe you could step inside
Maybe when I look for things that I cant replace.
If I could be your first real heartache, I would do it over again.
~Punk Rock Princess, Something Corporate

This post was quite the junk drawer.