I feel...
totally undesirable, selfish, gross, jealous, intense longing, out of place, gluttonous, lazy, irresponsible, immature, greif, neglected, unimportant, obnoxious, mopey, tired, fat, annoying,
clingy, bitchy, apathetic, dispensible, awkward, bored, out of shape, like an obligation, talentless, like shit.
Honestly. I dont know why I can't just be happy. I feel so insignificant.
I just fucking want people to get off of my back. Stop demanding things of me. I can't handle anything.
Something is missing. There's this giant hole in me that is always empty. Basically, I just want a Zac supplement. I just want to have a male friend who isnt constantly touching me. Obviously Jacob is allowed this, but other people aren't. Nick's cool, but our relationship is not at all what I'm looking for. I'm not saying that I don't need what Nick has to offer. I'm just saying he doesn't have everything. I've been searching desperately for someone who doesn't make me think, "Why aren't you Zac? What's wrong with you? Get away from me."
And I know who I want to play the part. However, I don't want to put in the time and work. I just want things to be instantaneously Zac status. I miss that part of my life so much. I can't explain it, it's just something that I need. Im not looking for someone who is just like Zac, but I'm looking for someone who can take care of me in the way that he did.
Don't start with the "I thought I Was Enough" routine. If you are female or dating me, you can not in any possible way fill this hole in me.
I spend so much time clutching my stupid locket and staring at the pictures and leaning against Zac's stage door and boaring my eyes into the boy I think can fix it. And I'm sick of people accusing me of having a crush on this kid. I fucking don't, okay? The precise reason I want him around is so that I can have a male companion who is not...I don't even know.
I just want to go to bed.
posted by M.Jazz @ 7:29 PM
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