Effortless
I don't feel like doing anything. This has all been too much of a strain on me. I can't believe I have to go to school tomarrow. No puedo creer que tengo que ir a la escuela manana. There, I said it in two languages.
I really just want to spend some time with myself. I'm just really fed up with having to talk about how I feel (I don't mean that people have been prying, I mean that I've just felt this overwhelming need to talk and talk and talk). I feel badly because Aunt Patty is obviously worried about me and she's called just about every day since she found out and, every time, I've made my mom tell her I don't want to talk to her. It's not fair to worry her, but I AM EXHAUSTED AND I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT! That wasn't directed at anyone. No one should feel badly about asking me how I am. It's just that there have been so many people that I just can't stand to repeat, "Really awesome, considering. I was so priveledged to have so much time with him. It's hard for me, but I have a lot of peace about it because I didn't have anything unsettled with him and I feel like I had substantial time."
It feel horrible repeating myself to people, but there's only so many ways you can reword that.
The funeral was absolutely beautiful, and I was starting to feel like a jerk for not crying, but Caitlyn and Brielle were singing "For Good" from Wicked. I was just listening and squeezing the crap out of Jacob's and Kate's hands when all of a sudden, when they sang, "There's so much of me that's made from what I learned from you," I lost it.
Then, after, Kate asked me to come up to the coffin with her. She asked me where I thought the head end was, kissed it and I pressed my palm against it. We both started wailing.
It was weird that I reacted that way to the coffin. When I saw him yesterday, I smiled. I thought, "Silly Zac, you're not fooling me! I know you're not in there!" I don't know where he is, but I know it's not in that metallic prison. Then, at the second wake, I touched his hair and leaned in and kissed him on the forehead and rubbed his belly. It didn't even make my heart pound. It made my mouth taste like make-up and funeral home for a long time, but that was it. I was a bit taken aback by how much his skin felt like playdoh and how cold it really was, but that's it.
I don't know.
John Blanton is my new favorite person. I don't think he knew Zac, but he put on a full suit and attended the funeral. I spoke at the funeral and he went out of his way to find me afterwords and tell me really calmly without trying to hug me, "What you said really showed how strong you are. I think you have a lot of strength and it just showed what kind of person you are." That meant more than I think 75% of the stuff people have said. A lot of people said similar things to me, but it meant more when he said it, for some reason. And he went to the cemetary, too.
Caitlyn Dwyer and Katie Crowley came up to me and said they loved what I had to say and gave me hugs.
I'm so pleased that Zac is in a cemetary that is less than 2 miles from my house. When it's not winter, I can just walk there to see him without having to drag anyone along. That cemetary is so peaceful and it was so beautiful today. The sun was shining and the leaves were so incredibly vibrant. I was just overflowing with satisfaction. Obviously, I'd be more satisfied to have him with me, but if he has to be burried somewhere, I'm so happy that it's there.
In other news, I'm just having a really hard time. I'm so afraid of losing all of my innocence because of this. I'm afraid I won't ever look at the world the same way. I'm afraid of being bitter. I'm afraid of coping with this in a way that I'll regret later.
I just want to lose myself in recklessness. I want to do something totally in a totally abandoned fashion, but the consequences would just be tremendous. I'm not talking about killing myself or anything. I just want to do something that defies all the rules my parents, adults, and I have placed on my life.
I'm so jealous of anyone who is giving birth today. Honestly, if it weren't so painful and gross and I could just do it and not have to worry about what's going to happen to it, I'd SO want to be giving birth right now. It sounds absurd and gross, but who wouldn't want to create life?
"Well, it's time to work. The work is useless now. Love, can't you see? Your help is lost to me. I wanna be alone tonight."~Losing All Control, Rooney
posted by M.Jazz @ 6:22 PM
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