Adolescent Effusive

I think that the most disturbing feeling ever would be knowing you're going to die. I hope sincerely that Zac had no idea. What are you supposed to do when that's just handed to you?
MEMORANDUM:
TO: Zac
FROM: God
Subject: Your death
Priority: Urgent
Zac-
By the way, I planted a time bomb in your chest. You won't wake up tomarrow.
See you soon.
-God
Don't anyone dare get mad at me for this post. You have no idea whatsoever how much a part of me Zac was and continues to be. I've been through enough pain to earn being able to express myself freely. I am in no way disrespecting Zac's memory, and you know it. You're just afraid to think these things.
On the other hand, Im so afraid of not seeing it coming. I'm so afraid to be that woman who drops dead in the supermarket from a brain anuerysm but so afraid to be that old man who is 95 and has already had all of his chances. He's healthy, but, come on, he's 95. He doesn't have years left in him. He'd know that every night might be his last and every Christmas and every birthday. How would you like that? Your ration of birthdays is up, but you're still going for another couple of months.
Zac spent his last birthday with me. All day. We rollerbladed and ate mango sorbet. He thought my cat was hilarious, and I took a picture of him. What would he have done differently if he'd known? I dont think he would have been sitting in my humid living room, quoting The Little Mermaid.
Living every day like its your last is unreasonable, but what if it ends that way? Zac's last day was spent at home, chopping wood. A filler day. A day spent looking forward to another event, such as the fondue party we were supposed to have. I hope not to die on a filler day. Or maybe I would like to. Just so that everyone's memories of the really awesome day aren't tainted "That was such a great day...until..."
I'm so afraid to die. I'm afraid of everyone around me going in the same way that Zac did. Every time I don't talk to someone for a day, I assume something bad has happened to them and the next call I get will be informing me that they've been taken from me.
I'm entirely serious. This is the way I live now. Sometimes I don't think I'll wake up in the morning. I'm afraid to go to sleep. I'm afraid my mom will find me the next morning and never be the same. I'm afraid I won't see it coming, and I won't have been the person I wanted to be. The one day I'm a true asshole. The one day I just want to have some alone time. That would be the day. And what an awful way to die.
Basically, I'm scared and angry.

posted by M.Jazz @ 12:52 AM