Adolescent Effusive

It's Over

"But lately I'm going through one of the hardest times of my life and I really don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about it, not even if I felt like it was ok to complain. "~Mandi J. Thompson

Mandi, you are my hero.
I feel like such a jerk because I'm totally neglecting the people I love most. I don't feel like talking to them because I know they don't understand. I feel like such an ass.
All I care about as of late is sleeping and eating. I'm not doing anything with any sort of fervor. Yesterday I had a really good day, but, in the end, I hadn't done anything and I just surrendered myself to curling up under the covers and humming while rubbing my face all over my nice, soft sheets. I felt so good.
Maybe my problem is that I keep trying to do what I'm "supposed to do." Honestly, who else knows what I'm "supposed to do?" If I don't do what I expect myself to do, I'm going to be the only one who knows. If I make myself okay with doing what makes me feel good, even if it's something that I can't prove to be productive, who cares?
I've become rather solitary. I used to be so people oriented and needy. Maybe I still am, but I'm definately taking a hiatus. I'm not making any type of attempt to interact with my peers the way I used to. It all seems so empty.
It's stupid because I keep thinking about this line from Our Town when the main character is seeing the world after she dies and she says, "We never took any time to look at each other." I keep thinking about how many opportunities I've wasted. I could know so many people so much better, and I don't. I have a lot of disdain for other people. I can't bear to admit that I'm no better than most of the people I know and just sit down and talk to them.
God, I'm such an asshole.

posted by M.Jazz @ 2:09 PM