Wedding Bells
I'm suddenly overcome with some unidentifiable bad feeling about the fact that my husband will be able to choose his own best man. I'm really upset that I won't be able to twist his arm into having Zac be his best man. Like, really angry, actually. Who the fuck decided it was fair to take that away from me? Sarah, Julia, and Kate still have the priveledge of seeing me married and I them. Zac doesn't. I'm so angry about it, it's laughable.
I'm listening to Seasons of Love from RENT. Seems to me that love just causes a lot of pain.
I can't stop thinking about the way the light in the church looked in the church at Zac's funeral. I can't stop thinking about how there should've been a light shining directly upon his coffin, but there were black garbage bags over the windows because they were replacing the stained glass.
Why wasn't everything ready for him? Why did we have his funeral in a building that was under construction? The whole place should have been beautiful.
I can't stop thinking, "Fuck that damn priest who said, 'If Zac could tell us anything, it would be 'Keep the faith.'" Okay, no it wouldn't. He wouldn't be that impersonal and clicheed. Zac was an idividual and he loved us too much to feed us a line like that. Fuck you for disgracing him with that statement.
God, I'm mad.
I wrote Zac a letter this morning. I want to go take it to him, but I'm afraid all of the leaves will be gone and the place where Zac is will be ugly and common looking. I can't stand it. Why doesn't the place where he was remain beautiful always? My life had so much light and color in it when he was with me. How dare the seasons still change and take away the light and color when Zac is RIGHT THERE.
I don't understand anything.
Where are you, Zac? SHOW YOURSELF! I'm so sick of you hiding from me. It's really not funny AT ALL. Stop it!
posted by M.Jazz @ 11:05 AM
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