Adolescent Effusive

I'm now on livejournal.
livejournal.com/users/mjazz
It is friends only because lj is a nasty spiderweb that easily spreads rumors, so you'll have to ask me to add you.
Right now, it's real lame because I haven't figured out how to customize it. But that's okay.

posted by M.Jazz @ 3:53 PM 0 comments

I really like Carissa. She's always around at just the right time.
Today was one of my worst physics days, which is saying something. I did badly on my test, forgot my labs, got bad grades on the ones I had to make up....Nowocien's been really patient with me, though, and it's fine that its run out. I just feel like such a dumbass. I'm intelligent enough for the class, I just have so many other things to do that I always forget about it.
I think that I meant to take a nap to blow off some steam.
I've kind of felt like a dumbass for the past two days. I dont know how else to explain it.

posted by M.Jazz @ 3:19 PM 0 comments

I completely forgot that I'm friends with Ryan J. Kucharski. I often regard him as Sarah's boyfriend because I never see him. But he occasionally IMs me and I'm like "Why am I not your best friend?"
Ryan: I have 3 research papers.
MK: What for?
Ryan: Health/US/Grupp
Ryan: I don't even call it English anymore. That would be insulting to the language.

Bee-tee-dubs: I've been considering switching to livejournal for a while because I would like to be able to give and receive comments. Also, I can't read some people's lj's because Im not a lj member, and it sucks. So I wanna be a lj girl. But that would mean that certain people can't read my blog. But, honestly, if they care enough to read it, they'll join lj, too. So, that's on the horizon. Or as Andrew Largeman would say, "There's that."

roonster111: i heard about your break up with jacob, and i wanted you to know that when i heard i "sent you good energy" (i can't think of a better, less hoaxy way to put that) and i hope you're on the path to a reclamation of your independent self
That's probably the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever said to me. Devin Rooney is probably the most eloquent person I know.

posted by M.Jazz @ 11:00 PM 0 comments

Things I'm Contemplating:
1. Whether or not I want to dye the bottom of my hair green
(*5 minutes later* Now I definately want to just because my mom is giving the most ridiculous argument against it. "It's unattractive." What is she? A pagent mom?)
2. Where I can get a job
3. Who I am taking to prom
4.

Well, I was contemplating other things, but now I'm just so pissed about the hair that I forgot. It's not like I'm asking if its okay for me to get a tatoo or a piercing. The green hair will get cut out. Its not like the dye goes anywhere else besides where I put it. It won't engulf my entire head of "beautiful hair" and fry it so that it never grows back the same way. Sorry, its not the way it works. If I put it on an inch or so of my hair at the bottom, its not going to make me so repulsive that no one wants to look at me. Even if it did, I want to be single right now. So I'm not exactly concerned with looking stunning.
My brother can drive all over the fucking world with missiles attached to his car, but I can't have a tiny section of my hair a different color from the rest because it would be unattractive? Clearly he has more to him than his appearance that's redeming, but I don't. Thanks for the vote of confidence, Mother.

posted by M.Jazz @ 5:02 PM 0 comments

"Love Is A Fast Song"
by Copeland (In Motion)
You don't have to be ashamed
'Cause you're a miracle through and through
Oh, and you don't have to be ashamed
Of the miracle inside of you
What has love become?
It's not like we used to hear in those old songs
And it's not like yours
What has love become?
Whoa...your love is in motion
And it's spinning me around, yeah
Whoa...my heart is in motion
For the movement that's in you
You should not be angry
If all she wants is your money
Oh, you should not be angry
'Cause all you want is her body
What has love become?
It's not like we used to hear in those old songs
And it's not like yours
What has love become?
Whoa...your love is a fast song
And I'm dancing 'cause I'm in love with you
Whoa...my heart is in motion
For the rhythm inside you
Whoa...your love is a slow song
It's resounding through my world again
Whoa...my heart is in motion
Fr the song inside of you
Whoa...your love is in motion
And it's spinning me around, yeah
Whoa...your love is a fast song
And I'm dancing 'cause I'm in love with you
Whoa...your love is a slow song
It's resounding through my world again
Whoa...my heart is in motion
For the song inside of you

Basically, this song has the most beautiful lyrics ever written.

posted by M.Jazz @ 1:57 PM 0 comments

I feel so fuckin GOOD!
Oh my goodness. I don't know what it is. I just...wow. I just feel incredible.
Last night was the BSP Minus Methane (I supplied it, don't worry Keight-e, we were thinking of you) sleep OVER. I love Sarah and Julia more than...those two pudding cups I had in direct succession. And trust me, those were good.
I just can't describe the amazing feeling that they give me. It's this feeling of total honesty and acceptance. I don't feel like I have to prove anything to them and that I'm okay the way I am. And I know exactly what they think of me, especially Sarah and we're all okay with the fact that we cant stand each other sometimes. And the fact that we can't makes our friendship stronger, because we laugh about it all the time.
Jewlya went to bed because she had a rough week and Sarah and I were like "Okay, we'll be in the bonus room." The bonus room is like a satelite Vermont. Its that security feeling. We pulled out the sofa bed and put our 16 blankets on it and crawled in and were planning on sleeping, but this is what happened. F is me, R is Sarah. Don't question it.
F: "So....you know."
R: "How are things going for you?"
F: *thinks* "Fine. Fine, actually."
R: "That's good."
silence
F: "Actually, there's this vauge possibility that I'm *insert confession here*."
R: "I'm not surprised."
F: *burries self under covers* "Agh! I don't want to!"
Later on in the conversation
R: "So...I *insert big confession here*"
F: "Oh no! I was suspecting!

And the whole thing ensued into this stellar and 100% honest conversation about...everything that's important to us this week. And we found that we have way too much in common at the current moment. And that we're ridiculous fools. Also, kids at our school are stupid for loving us. They have got to stop. Surely our scam for graduation will not turn anyone off, even though it should.
Hahahahaha.
Keight's birfday is this Friday!!!

posted by M.Jazz @ 1:41 PM 0 comments

I'm always really lonely on Saturday morning. No one's ever online.
I really want to talk to someone right now. The thing is, there are so many things inside of me that I want to get out, but there's really almost no one that I'm comfortable talking to about them. There are all of these really private feelings that I have that I so need to talk about but, I mean, they're private. I can't.
I went to the talent show last night. It was mildly entertaining. Sarah-Jane and company did an awesome job singing Seasons of Love. It made me cry though. I developed this insatiable need to be held or at least hugged and there was no one there for me.
I found Alex afterwards and I just wanted him to know something was wrong, but of course, how could he? So I was just like, "What are you doing right now?" "Um. Nothing." "Do you wanna go...do something? Go for a drive or whatnot?" "Yea. Actually, I was hoping I could find something to do."
So we went for a drive. We got lost, as is our habbit, and ended up at Panos. He eats nearly exactly like Zac. And it made me smile and I didnt notice that I was staring at his utensils working on his pancakes and he caught me and I didnt know what to say.
We tried to make sugar packet houses, but failed honorably. I also bought the new Copeland CD, which is beautiful. The song Kite was a huge disappointment, though. It's totally different from all the other songs, and if it had been done in the same style, it would be one of the best songs ever because it has wonderful lyrics. We got sort of lost on the way home, too, but I knew how to get to Jacob's house from where we were, so literally went to Jacob's house and then I could find my way home from there.
I decided during the talent show that I have no visible talents. I think that my only talent is appreciating people. I just love the people that deserve it with everything I have. It's dangerous to do that, but maybe I'm more of a risk taker than I thought I was.

posted by M.Jazz @ 10:30 AM 0 comments

I love Miss Corbett. I love the way that she just candidly confesses things about herself, such as the fact that she honestly believes that, had she been born earlier, she and the actor who played Atticus Finch would have found each other and fallen madly in love.
We started one acts today. Which should really be called one scences. I'm stage manager of everything and also the narrator of something about a crippled boy named Smike and a brother and sister who vow to never get married to anyone and stay the same as they are forever. It's very creepy.
Alex drove me home today. There's something about sitting in the passenger seat of that barely functioning Buick Century that makes me feel at home. I kick around the garbage on the floor and laugh at the stuff on the dashboard and he hums the least Alex Marien-like songs imaginable and misses turns every chance he gets and it makes me feel normal.
I've decided that I'm taking Jake Gyllenhaal and/or Patrick Fugit to prom.

posted by M.Jazz @ 5:45 PM 0 comments

This is honestly the most interesting website I've found in a while.
http://www.gallawa.com/microtech/howcook.html
Pin Your Wings by Copeland is honestly my new favorite song. It's so...awesome. Not for the lyrics but for the sound of it. Hence why I'm not posting the lyrics. Don't read them, just listen to the song. It's soothing and inspirational, even if I don't really know what pin your wings down means.

posted by M.Jazz @ 10:46 PM 0 comments

zactapeself
Originally uploaded by rascacielo.

posted by M.Jazz @ 5:57 PM 0 comments

Some strange wave of sadness came over me as I was leaving school today. Don't know what it was. I didn't feel like walking alone, but I didnt want to walk with Vince. But, of course, I walked with him. We didn't talk much and when we did, it was about his attractions or prom.
He offered to be my prom date, even though I didn't ask him to be. That put me in an awkward position. I hate when people do that kind of thing.
We're watching Shakespeare In Love in Lit/Film. There are a lot of sex scenes in it that Arnone occasionally forgets to fast forward through. Overall, it's a very creatively done movie. I love it. Even if William Shakespeare is played by a Freddie Prinz Jr. look-alike.
Let me voice my appreciation for Dave Melgar: Dave Melgar is awesome.

Math, 6th period.
Mr Bowen: Im gonna use orange right next to the red. Sorry if you're color blind.
MK: *eyes slide over to red-haired boy next to her*
Alex: Let it go!

posted by M.Jazz @ 3:30 PM 0 comments

Laura Lang made my day by sending me a packet of pictures that ranged in date from 2001 to 2004 with witty things on the back of them.
Other highlights of my day:

1. Walking home barefoot
2. Being told to make a character sketch of my least favorite teacher in CW
3. The comback of the "puffed wheat tied to a string" in physics
4. "You would do me a great service by signing me up." "I'll sign you up. I'll make sure that I misspell your name to the highest degree."
5. Snickering at Leo Dicaprio's awful, awful, awful portrayal of Romeo Montague in Lit/Film/Music.
6. Mr Pray's "If You Build It" speech followed by a huddle in the middle of the room. I honestly want him to be my teacher for the rest of my life. (This should be number 1)

That's probably about it. I need to go play in the sunshine.

posted by M.Jazz @ 3:14 PM 0 comments

So, I felt good yesterday.
And I was thinking, "Am I avoiding my feelings?" And I'm a strong believer in facing up to feelings and just dealing with them. So I was like, "Hm. I wonder how listening to this CD will make me feel."
Consequently, I feel like shit. I can't cry. I can just crumple up in a ball and feel this heaviness in my chest.

posted by M.Jazz @ 7:11 AM 0 comments

Auto response from neon STwist: s club 7, represent!
IndigoSailsQuirk: s club 7=all that and a side of fries
IndigoSailsQuirk: that was just a dialect that i used
neon STwist: i cannot udnerstand you when you use your dialect!
neon STwist: that means we are not mutually comprehensible"
neon STwist: sorry, intelligible
IndigoSailsQuirk: its because im white, isnt it?
IndigoSailsQuirk: doncha think thats unfair?
IndigoSailsQuirk: sorry, DONCHA think thats unfair?
neon STwist: yeah, i know that youre in a puerto rican gang! dont hide it!
neon STwist: jeet yet?
IndigoSailsQuirk: hahahaha
neon STwist: im.. jeeting some chicken alfredo
IndigoSailsQuirk: *dies laughing*

Topics covered in Spanish class today: ebonics, lisps, hispanic gang members, Dan Rather, Vermont, and Sephardic Jews
Oh, Brian Winger, how I love to hate thee.
Ms Swan 4: he's a gem..he should come to my school and be attacked

Note: This entire entry is only funny if you were in Spanish 4, period 2 this morning.

posted by M.Jazz @ 3:31 PM 0 comments

I haven't told anyone besides the obvious people. And honestly, I dont want to tell anyone. But I feel like I should give some explaination for my behavior.
Jacob and I had a conversation on Saturday night/Sunday morning, and we decided that dating wasn't working for us anymore. Some extremely hurtful things were said, but not for the sake of being mean. They were said for the sake of being truthful. And he was brave to say what we've both been thinking, because I've been too much of a coward to acknowledge what's been going on. Which is why you're all surprised to hear this.
There will be no petty antagonization of Jacob. It's not his fault that things worked out this way. I hate when a gaggle of girls gather around the one who has broken up with her boyfriend and say, "Well, you don't need that jerk anyway." That's the stupidest thing to say.
I love Jacob, but dating him isn't working out. I wish it were, and I would never lie and say that I'm okay with this, because Im completely miserable, disappointed, and broken.
This feels like more than I can handle when considered with what I continue to deal with with Zac, but, honestly, I'm still here. I don't like pain, but I'm not afraid of it. I've proven to myself over the past five months that I don't give up on things that are important, and being okay with this is something that's important.

posted by M.Jazz @ 2:54 PM 0 comments

Well, I'm sufficiently depressed.
It's snowing in April.
Mitch Hedberg, the funniest man to have ever walked the Earth (that I know of), died unexpectedly in a hotel room. God, if you continue to make killing young people without warning your hobby, I will never speak to you again. I'm incredibly angry at you as it is, but this is just getting ridiculous. The fact that you've made me suspect everyone I love to have a timebomb in their chest is unacceptable and I'm not sure I'll ever forgive you.
On that note, I had a dream while I was sleeping in Burlington, VT. I didn't realize I had it until hours later. I was in the Boulevard Mall, walking out of the doors next to Friday's and Zac walked in. He looked exactly the way he did the last time I saw him. He had this huge, face-consuming grin on his face. I ran at him, lept up on him and wrapped my legs around his waist. He held me there, even though he never could have done so in real life. I asked him what happened, why he was there, and he said that it had all been a joke. I asked him about the body in his coffin and he said that it had been a joke, too. He started to explain, but I just started sobbing into his neck, remembering everything I'd been through in the past five months, and he just stroked my hair and laughed and laughed and laughed. He wasn't laughing about tricking me, he was laughing because he was glad to be back.
It made me miss him like a bitch yesterday. I cried in the car for a long while.
Also, just a note:
One of my favorite people in the world died for no reason not too long ago. Regardless of how much I pretend that I'm okay, I'm not. He's all I think about sometimes. It still hurts more than anything you could imagine. It's crippling and it's something that I hope you never understand, but I hope that it's something that you can accept.

posted by M.Jazz @ 11:48 AM 0 comments