The Micellaneous Parts Drawer
I'm nearly positive that I misspelled Micellaneous. And now I've misspelled misspelled.
Muh.
So, I've moved to start excersizing again.
Reasons:
1. I am so effing... wound up... and I've heard that excersize helps.
2. I can't get to sleep at night. Ever.
3. I'm stressed and getting chunky.
Mind you, I love being a fattie, but, eventually, eating like I weigh 430 pounds is going to catch up with me. Let me remind you guys: I have never had an eating disorder nor the motive to have one. I think skinny girls are ugly. Not kidding. I think they look like men. I'm just looking to FEEL better physically. I think I look just fine.
In other news, I made ________ cry today. I'm so sick of being made into the villian in every situation. No one sticks up for me. Everyone thinks I'm the beast because I'm the angry one, not the weepy one. And honestly, I wish I were exaggerating but I really didn't do ANYTHING. It was all a fucking misunderstanding and I'm so sick of people misreading me. Honestly. I know that I'm sometimes too rough and sarcastic. I understand this. It's a problem I have and try to avoid. And I really did today. Whenever I take the smile out of my voice and speak in a clear, calm fashion, people think I'm attacking them. No, my friend, who are the one who is attacking me with your ungrounded assumptions that I'm a bitch to the core and have no consideration for the people around me. Get off of my back.
In this case, I conjure the words of wisdom of my beloved locker-mate, "This school sucks. I need to get laid." I'm not saying that I just want to fuck around and avoid my classmates. I just love the honesty and no-nonsense attitude of that statement. I LOVE honest people, and she's honest. Probably a lot of people read that and went, "Wow, what a loser! She's so negative and all she wants is sex!" No, she's not. She was just frustrated and let her imediate reaction come out and she wasn't ashamed of it. She's not hurting anyone. She's stating what is obvious and reasonable to her. Please go cry.
Also, I'm really tired of hearing cnn make money off of the Peterson family's horrific experience with murder and their feeble attempt to put their lives back together. I am never becoming a journalist. Nor shall I marry one or allow my children to become one. The media is so corrupt I can hardly stand it. I just want ot write and angry letter to cnn. They showed a clip of Lacey's mom crying her eyes out. What kind of unfeeling human puts that on TV for the whole frocking nation to see? *involuntarily throws up*
Creo Que Si
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| writing is love |
| brought to you by the isLove Generator |
Everyone else got a band name...Ha.
Somewhat Jazzy
Somewhat Jazzy: "One more thing, Im really appreciating that Zeack (Zachary Zarbo) lately. We've been conversing over the tele and I'd just like to say that Im glad I have him as a friend. He's a good chap and I suppose I can see why an unidentified freshman has a huge crush on him.
Im tempted to go into a full blown BSP appreciation session, but I did that on New Years Eve. "
January 8th, 2004.
uuum...FOOL!
I love how inhuman and brazenly dishonest people can be.
"i was friends with him, just not as well as the best friend 2 zac ever in the entire world was like you mk"
How DARE you mock something you know nothing about. Are you aware that his picture is around my neck every day? Did you know that I seriously considered drinking the pain away? Did you know that his casket is the first thing I see when I wake up and the last thing I see when I go to bed at night? Are you aware that I haven't laughed as hard as I did with Zac since he died? That part of me is gone. Maybe you can still sit around with your friends laughing until you cry about the most asinine subjects I've ever heard of, but I can't. I still laugh, yea, but nothing is at all the same.
I can laugh at one thing, though. The fact that you lied right to my face and said you were friends with him. You guys never talked to each other and guess what: he couldn't stand you. And you know why? Because you spent all of your time calling him gay and "Zarboner."
Fuck you. I hope you realize the error of your ways and suffer in eternal guilt for it.
Sincerely,
"emo"
Pointless Shunk
A survey, a glass of orange juice, Devin Rooney, and Daisy Duke. Imagine THAT.
[] I wish I was a different ethnicity.
[ ] I have an eating disorder.
[ ] I am short.
[X ] I am tall.
[ ] I think I'm really attractive.
[ ] I prefer winter over summer.
[x] I am a geek.
[x] I am a shopaholic.
[x] I am reasonably intelligent.
[ ] I am attracted to girls.
[ ] I like British accents.
[ ] I smoke regularly.
[ ] I smoke socially.
[ ] I drink socially.
[] I drink regularly.
[ ] I get drunk easily.
[ ] I do drugs.
[] I will never date a bad kisser. (I assume kissing is a semi-learned behavior. People can improve.)
[] I've lied to avoid kissing.
[ ] I brush my hair at least 50 times a night
[ ] I am religious.
[x] I am not religious but have morals.
[ ] I lie frequently.
[x] I am impulsive.
[x] I am hardworking (when I want to be.)
[]I am good at history.
[ ] I speak more than two languages. [working on it]
[x] I enjoy taking pictures.
[x] I like spending money on myself.
[x] I like spending money on others.
[] I have a regular income.
[ ] I earn money on a job-by-job basis.
[] I pay my own bills.
[x]I rely on my parents for money.
[x] I can cook.
[ ] I enjoy cleaning.
[ ] Tidyness is a must in my life.
[x] I like clutter.
[x] My idea of good music is Britney Spears.
[ ] I have heard of Blonde Redhead.
[ ] I enjoy Blonde Redhead.
[] I am fashion-conscious.
[ ] I have good taste.
[x] People tell me I have good taste.
[x] I excel academically (if I try.)
[] I am told I have yet to fulfill my potential.
[ ] I am good at sports.
[ ] I am good at certain sports.
[x] I couldn't do sports to save my life.
[x] I am creative.
[] I am artistically inclined.
[] I want to be an artist when I grow up.
[ ] I want to be an engineer when I grow up.
[x] I eat when I'm upset.
[] I cannot easily adapt to change.
[x] I am interested in politics.
[ ] I have shoplifted.
[x] I download MP3s.
[] I've done underage drinking.
[ ] I've gone underage clubbing.
[x] I can dance reasonably well. [for a handhelf fan dropped in a bathtub.]
[] I can dance extremely well.
[x] I dance like a cardboard gorilla.
[x] I can sing.
[] I sing like someone stepped on my foot.
[x] I can swim.
[x] I enjoy surveys.
[x] I enjoy surveys when I'm bored.
[x] I keep a journal.
[ ] My teachers don't like me.
[x] I enjoy controversy.
[x] I can be a bitch/bastard.
[] I have a thing for bad boys/girls.
[] have tattoos.
[] I've been in a nudist colony.
[ ] I'm not sure if I want to have children.
[ ] I'm not sure if I'll get married.
[] I know who I will marry.
[ ] Someone has a crush on me.
[x] I am interesting.
[x] I am a good liar.
[x] People enjoy talking to me.
[x] I annoy people from time to time.
[x] I am a born leader.
[ ] I am a born leader but shouldn't lead.
[x] I've snuck out of the house.
[ ] I enjoy felching.
[] I have a foot fetish.
[ ] I have a shoe fetish.
[] I watch Sex and the City.
[ ] I don't think Sarah Jessica Parker is pretty.
[] I want to be J.Lo.
[ ] I cut myself on purpose.
[ ] I've cut myself on purpose.
[x] I hate people who pretend to be suicidal.
[]I hate popular people.
[x] I think cheerleading is a sport.
[] I'm photogenic.
[ ] I live in Chucks
[] I think graffiti is art.
[ ] I've dated a criminal.
[] I have been cheated on.
[ ] I have cheated on someone.
[x] I have a temper.
[x] I like playgrounds.
[x] I dance in the rain.
[ ] I get turned on by thunder
[ ] I am obsessed with Shakespeare.
[] I enjoy Shakespeare.
[] I have tanlines.
[ ] My favorite color is pink.
[ ] My favorite color is black.
[x] I would classify myself as emo [but I'd be lieing]
[ ] I'm musically inclined.
[x] I like listening to music.
[ ] I like music-blasting cars.
[ ] Thongs are comfortable.
[x] I like flip-flops.
[x] I know what monogamy is.
[x] and I believe in it.
[ ] I want to be a social worker when I grow up.
[x] I have siblings.
[x] My siblings annoy me.
[] I think South Park is funny.
Backseat Confessionals
Things That Came Out in Conversation Last Night:
-an anonymous 20-year-old college male says to one of us, "You are the only girl I know whose sex drive matches mine."
-"What happened?"
-Ponies wearing slippers...
-It seems I am alone in not owning a vibrator...*internally shudders* As I said, I just hate all things artificial.
-We are just plain horny (only I have my pride! Vibrators...*snort of disgust*)
-Zac is most definately just having a great time waiting for us to catch up with him.
Uuum...I'm so freaking lazy. I only make outlines now.
I just have a feeling that this year is going to be intense in more ways than one.
Just Call Me Artimus
So, I'm going out with my dad today to start archery lessons. I've been thinking about it for a long time and I'd really love to be so powerful and in control as to be able to use a bow. That just has so much appeal. My dad and uncle were watching the Thanksgiving Day football game and I walked into the room and said, "You know, I think being an archer would be cool." My dad is all excited now. So am I.
I had a dream last night that we forgot to Zac's scene in the play. The whole cast's attitude was, "Oh well, he's dead anyway." Zac's casket was in the same room as us. They all started kicking it out of the room like it meant nothing. I was powerless to do anything about it.
Later on in my dream, the video Julia put together for the funeral was playing on channel 2, only instead of Seasons of Love, football comentators were talking over it.
Then, in another part of my dream, my dream self was remembering riding tricylces around Laura Lang's house with Zac. This never happened in real life, but it was so vivid that I started crying in my dream.
I went to the cemetary on Tuesday. It didn't bother me because I don't really care about his body. I got pretty mad that there were so many young people there though. Like half of them. And then I started resenting all of the old people there. I've become sort of hostile towards old people. What right do they have to complain when they've lived a full life?
Jacob just called and because I was writing about all of this I was all curt and cold with him. I'm annoyed with myself. Ew.
I want to cry.
Wernicke's Area
Ahahaha. Sarah Elizabeth Lipp, you slay me. Let's use two pairs of handcuffs next time.
Hilights of week:
-lickable wallpaper, the Mariah Carey movie "Glitter", a kelly green sweatshirt, and an Asiatic Cowbell...IMAGINE THAT!!
-"If you guys don't settle down, we're gonna cancel your orderallrightthat'sitgetout."
-The Girly Sleepover TM at Melissa's
-comisorating with Alex Kelly over freshman relationships
-seeing Nick Hahn's spiked head just below my lighting loft
-"i enjoy mimicking handcuffs whilst making out with _____. it makes me feel so cool." I effing love you, doll face. Never ever change.
-Victoria and I adorning the set with J.Crew ads
-the cast party
-Just getting to know Alex Marien better. I adore him and his awkward red-haired ways.
-an extended conversation on Vincent Covatto's front steps that resulted in Mondo Bonding
-putting a puzzle together and discussing how gorgeous Johnny Reznik is with my boyfriend...um?
-being comfortable enough to be at Jacob's house and watching TV all snuggled up with his little sister when he's not home
-Joseph Raymond Orsolits saying, "Viaje a muchos lugares pero su favorito era Buckingham Palace."
-presenting my BSP picture book to the class
uuum, I'm lazy.
Love you guys. Lovermont.
Core Meltdown in 5..4...
I'm exhausted, stressed, and unusually gassy. I'm not sure about how I feel about the latter. Actually yes I do, I'm ashamed. I eat too much fruit!
Practice today bombed but I had fun anyway. It's all giving me such a head and heart ache and I'm glad that it's almost over. However, I am so grateful to have been a part of it. I formed so many bonds with people and it really helped to be in a place that really missed and longed for Zac just as much as I did every day. One of the few places where his absence isn't ignored.
Senor Winger and I have spent some time outside of class talking about when he used to live in Vermont and regularly go to Smuggler's Notch. I suppose he's an all right guy. If you take him at face value and disregard the few really offensive things he's said, he's a good guy. He's trilingual, he'd have to be.
So excited for the ensuing girly sleepover tomarrow!!!!! BFFs 4eva!
I wish someone would pick up his phone...
And I wish someone else would stop tantalizing my best friend. Although, I don't know how that display of nipplery and jutting ribs could be considered "tantalizing."
Infinate Ignorance
I was watching The O'Riley Factor today and some liberal guy was talking about how most of the racist political cartoons issued by the democratic party aren't "nearly as bad as what was said about Clinton." Regardless of the fact that Clinton was a very intelligent man, he EARNED that ridicule. What kind of life-sucking bastard cheats on his wife while he's supposed to be leading a nation? These cartoons are flat out racist and racism is 10 x 10^400 times worse than putting someone down for not being able to keep ONE promise that he made to his wife. How dare you compare the two just for the sake of making conservatives look bad.
On the other hand, Ann C..gfgjdhgjnds...who is this really conservative, anti-liberal woman was on the other side of the issue and she really made me mad. I can't stand that she's the one representing conservatives. She is such an irreverent, foolish bitch. She knows what she's talking about, but the way in which she presents it is so repulsive. She was openly laughing at the guy who was arguing with her even when he wasn't saying things like the formerly mentioned Clinton comparison. She came right out and said that liberals hate black people. WHAT? General statements are never effective. Being haughty and disrespectful gets you NO WHERE. I don't want to listen to someone like you. You're a fool.
I'm considering making my own political party: the Sit Down, Gertrude party. This party will exist for the sole purpose of keeping the other two in line. Gertrude is a mental patient in the play who basically has no idea what she's saying and is just obnoxious. So, my party would designate the Gertrude in every specific situation and tell them to sit down.
As for those fools on The O'Riley Factor: Both of them should recieve loads of hatemail...from their own wings.
Aphorism
I am so physically sick of people who lack integrity, zest for life, and the ability to relate to others.
I'm not saying that I've never copied homework before and my attitude about school work has drastically changed since Zac died, but I have to say this. To the people who don't care if they learn anything from ANY of their work and copy other people's as a habbit: You are a waste of youth, oxygen, and public tax dollars. Honestly, what give you the authority to brazenly hand in someone else's work? I haven't really been doing my work lately, but at least I have the integrity to say that I didn't do it. I'm not about to hand in someone else's work and say, "Yes, this is my level of capability, yes I put my time into it." NO!
People who spend their lives pretending to be something they're not around their friends (vulgar, uncaring racist beings...) even though they feel differently just suck. It makes me so mad I can't see straight. I understand that not everyone is so blessed with the amount of people I have supporting me, but I really don't think I'd be happy having friends that don't know or care who I really am. I see so many people who I KNOW are higher calliber than their "friends" just stooping to their level and never standing up for anything. I'm not saying that everyone has to have friends that are just as acheiving and intelligent and kind as they are , but I AM saying that those friends should know what you're about and you shouldn't participate in activities that totally deny your true self and eat away at your motivation and your success.
There's so much more to life than just laughing about things that are offensive and talking about sex-specific body parts. When you die, do you honestly think anyone will care about the mass amount of time you spent playing video games and cutting each other down? Let me answer that for you: NO, they're not. No one will give one stinking shit about that. You know what people care about? How you impact other people. You cannot impact other people if you aren't being yourself. If playing video games helps you form strong bonds with other people that last through hardships, then great, go for it. If it doesn't, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? You are so priviledged to be coexisting with people who can strengthen you as well as learn from you. Why aren't you seeking after them??????
DON'T WASTE YOUR LIFE!
If you can go to bed at night and honestly say you don't think you've made a memory or that you haven't learned anything: you have just spat in life's face and you'll pay for that some day.
Too Many Memos!
Hahahaha!!! I just thought it would be hilarious to create a slang word for memories: memos. Yearbook signatures in the year 2012: "Hombre, what killer memos we made this year! Soul Sistas 4eva!" *rolls around on floor laughing*
Anyway, I just was thinking about all of the "killer memos" I have and thought I'd share them.
-It was some really humid August evening at Jacob's house. We had were "playing with Lincoln Logs" upstairs and decided to have some ice cream. We ate it in mugs out on his front porch and suddenly decided to take a walk to Triangle Park. A mad, tribal dance in the fountain ensued. I'm too lazy to get into the details.
-Some night over the summer after eighth grade, Sarah and I snuck out the back door and laid in the hammock playing our first game of Truth or Truth. This was during an era when Zac was the butt of most of our jokes and we asked each other a lot of questions about him. The sky was extraordinarily clear and the wind was making the trees sway in just the right fashion. Just after asking some particularly vulgar question, Mommy came to her window and said, "Girls, it's time for bed." HAHAHAHA!
-Keight and I, at Ethan's Bar Mitzvah...Oh crap, I'm not allowed to tell this one! Oh well. Trust me, it was awesome.
-One crrrraaazy night in Smuggler's Notch, VT, we were all sitting around a tree...doing our business. I was done, so I assumed everyone else was, too. I turned around, only to see the moonlight reflecting off of ____'s butt! Naturally, I felt a little embarassed that I'd just looked at ____'s butt. I quickly turned around. When she was finally done and all zipped up, she had this really ashamed look on her face and said, "I couldn't do it guys...I got stage fright." The ensuing roll down the wet kill next to the out of season ski lift sealed the deal: I could not live without these girls if I tried.
-I said to Chris one afternoon, "Lets have an adventure!" His reply was a prompt, "Let's go." He grabbed his keys and our favorite CDs and we were off. We ended up in Burlington Coat Factory where I actually peed my pants laughing while hiding in a trenchcoat.
-Okay, this is another butt story, but it's a good one! And neither of these stories are funny because of the butt, it's because of the exposed party's reaction to being exposed. It was Zac's birthday and Julia, Sarah, and I were at his house. We were trying to fill up balloons with Jell-O. It wasn't working. Zac dropped something off of the deck and went down the steps to get it. He bent over, and as he did so, his pants and boxers came completely off of his butt. Completely. I was face to face with Zac's bare butt. He imediately noticed of course, and he yanked this clothes back up with lightening speed and whipped himself around with that red-faced, big grinned, "Wooo..." look he gets when he's embarassed. I'd like to think that I pretended I didn't notice, but I'm pretty sure I laughed openly at him.
I really do have an awesome life when I stop and think about it.
Reassurance.
"..and I just dont have an answer. I mean what can I say? Some things cant be solved that easy...Not everything has a definete straight forward solution. Life is not like a test, even though sometimes it would be easier that way. You cant study answers...I guess its kind of a trial and error thing...and every experiance is learning until you get it right. I dont know. thats all I can say.."~Zeak (Zachary Robert Zarbo)
Zac, I love you so much. Thank you for being a part of my life. As much as this hurts, I would never trade being comfortable right now for the time I spent with you. You changed my life and I can't even begin to express how much you affected me while you were here. I miss you, love, but I can continue to be grateful to you for being so indescribably awesome despite the fact that you left us all feeling afraid and confused.
Que Significa...
John Topalski (sp?) and Sarah Lipp made my day today.
In Spanish class, which I seriously would like to boycott on grounds of insincerity on the part of Brian Winger, Sarah and I were just sitting in the back of the room purring at Joseph Raymond Orcilits. We were being such jerks, making him feel all awkward while we were saying things like, "Tengo una cita con Jose!" "Que guapo!"
What we really should have said was, "Jose esta muy bien." Which actually translates to "Joe is HOT!"
Honestly, I love Joe O. so much. He puts up with me sitting on his desk every morning and ocassionally gives me a friendly hug or something of the like. And I just remember at the wake, Joe just pulled me into his side and said, "Remember all the good times Mary Kate? Like that one night me and Jeff and Zac tried to sleep in the tent but got scared?" It seems dumb, but honestly, it meant so much.
Anyway, I'm off topic. Sarah and I were falling all over ourselves laughing, not doing our work and just going on and on saying, "Yo vi 'A Few Good Men.' Era un poco serio pero me gusto." and "Embarazada significa 'pregnant.'" with the occassional "Sarah/Mary Kate, your sense of humor...WOOF!"
Oh my goodness, te adoro, Sarah.
Later, before math, John Topalski just barrells into me and we engage in a hugging duel. Who could squeeze the last drop of oxygen out of the other first? John walked sped away with his victory and I skipped away with bruised mamary glands and a cracked rib. Honestly, aside from The BSP, Jacob, Nick, and Carissa, John Topalski is what keeps me going. I might not consciously think that, but honestly, school would suck SO BAD without him attacking me with physical affection. I just appreciate so much that he takes time out of his day to make sure he hugs me even though he really knows nothing about me. I know that he hugs everyone, but it still makes me feel a little bit special.
I've decided to make a binder full of little biographies and pictures and tokens that represent significant people in my life. They might just be the kid that has always sat next to me in English or the kid I had a crush on in 8th grade, but I'd love so much to just have a binder that I could pull out when I'm sad and look at the people I appreciate and remember why life is so good.
I still mean that. After all of this pain (which certainly isn't done yet), I still find reasons to love life and think it's absolutely beautiful and worthwhile.
My grandma was over tonight telling me all of these stories about her childhood. That's all she ever talks about. She only talks about the time before she lived in Spain and the time she spent there. So, all my grandma talks about is the timespan between 1922 and 1946.
She was telling me all about her grandmother and how much she loved her and how much she misses her. I found it so encouraging that my grandma is in her mid-eighties and she distinctly remembers every good moment of her childhood. She went into so much detail. She talked about the little details of people's clothing and how the bread smelled and how much she used to love graham crackers and Three Kings Day in Spain. She just lights up when she talks about those things. Some people might think its sad that she doesn't light up when she talks about the present, but honestly, if talking about her childhood makes her happy, why not?
Chris and I stayed up pretty late talking last night and he said something along the lines of, "Honestly, I think that the only thing worthwhile in life is holding someone. Really. You get a job so you can have a house to sit in and so you can buy movies to watch with them and Coke to drink while you hold them. That's it." Ideally, your job would be rewarding, but the most rewarding thing in your life should be looking forward to coming home at night because you have someone there who loves you.
It's Over
"But lately I'm going through one of the hardest times of my life and I really don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about it, not even if I felt like it was ok to complain. "~Mandi J. Thompson
Mandi, you are my hero.
I feel like such a jerk because I'm totally neglecting the people I love most. I don't feel like talking to them because I know they don't understand. I feel like such an ass.
All I care about as of late is sleeping and eating. I'm not doing anything with any sort of fervor. Yesterday I had a really good day, but, in the end, I hadn't done anything and I just surrendered myself to curling up under the covers and humming while rubbing my face all over my nice, soft sheets. I felt so good.
Maybe my problem is that I keep trying to do what I'm "supposed to do." Honestly, who else knows what I'm "supposed to do?" If I don't do what I expect myself to do, I'm going to be the only one who knows. If I make myself okay with doing what makes me feel good, even if it's something that I can't prove to be productive, who cares?
I've become rather solitary. I used to be so people oriented and needy. Maybe I still am, but I'm definately taking a hiatus. I'm not making any type of attempt to interact with my peers the way I used to. It all seems so empty.
It's stupid because I keep thinking about this line from Our Town when the main character is seeing the world after she dies and she says, "We never took any time to look at each other." I keep thinking about how many opportunities I've wasted. I could know so many people so much better, and I don't. I have a lot of disdain for other people. I can't bear to admit that I'm no better than most of the people I know and just sit down and talk to them.
God, I'm such an asshole.
Quixotic in New England
Okay, this picture is a picture of happiness. Here's why:
-I'm in a laundrabasket.
-I'm in Sycamores 23
-I'm in Smuggler's Notch
-I'm in VERMONT
-Zac's picture is on the back of the laundrabasket
-I am wearing my BSP, Seth, and Hanakuh bracelets
-The front loader is doing a load of our soiled linens and making the whole place smell like laundratergent
-K. Rap was sleeping peacefully
-J. Funk was wearing her Nazareth hoodie
-I knew that my male counterparts were just a phonecall away
-I was fully and completely M.Jazz!
Yo Leo
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 23.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal...
5. ...along with these instructions.
"From very early on in life we know another message, warning us that the Romance has an enemy."
I cheated because the closest book to me was full of math equations, then it was a Bible. So I had to go for the third book.
Also, "Yo Leo" I read in Spanish. Not "Hey, Leonardo."
The Attic
Last night, Keight and I took a stroll past the Old Militello Place TM. It's made me nostalgic of my freshman/very early sophomore year.
WHOO. Hahaha.
I was just thinking about all the bizarre shunk that went on during my Michael Militello Obsession. I don't throw that word around when I'm talking about these types of things. Obsession is most definately the correct word.
Despite all of drama that ensued, I'd kill to go back to that first week in March and relive "The Ring" Night and the Flogging Molly concert. Best and worst times of my entire freshman year happened in the same weekend.
Honestly, if you put aside all of the weird things that kid does (shaving...?) I really appreciate him. He gave the appearence of really enjoying himself in everything he did. Whether he did or not, I'm not sure.
I just keep thinking about him chimney climbing up his hallway only to be received by the ceiling with a sickening thud and that stupid paper model of the human body that had all of the intestines in a ziploc bag and him trying desperately to fit through the cat door. Despite his inability to communicate his emotions, he honestly is a nice person, and that's a severe compliment from me.
It was sometime last November and Keight and I were at his house, just trying to survive the rollercoaster of oddities that ensued ("New amp...or Cancooon???")...While there was that moment in which he attacked us via strobe light confusion, he did give me his extravagantly-priced brown courderoy jacket on the walk home despite the fact that I'd completely told him off a small while ago. That takes a lot of strength of character.
I appreciate that. I wouldn't give some bitchy little girl who pouts over being second choice my new jacket, even if it was just for a few minutes.
http://www.geocities.com/thetoastmen/Mike4.JPG
Laws of Attraction
I just thought I'd put this out there for anyone who is interested.
Things That Are NOT Attractive:
1. Regularly replacing the word girl with pussy, bitch, or titties. Highly repulsive.
2. Talking about your own genitalia. It amazes me how many males talk about the organs they have between their legs as though they'd just discovered them this morning. (I realize I and others talk about our breasts quite often, but honestly, they're WAY less gross. They're not hairy and the underwear on them actually SUPPORTS them. Thank you.)
3. Swearing in excess. Ahem: "What the fuck? Don't put that shit all over my shit. Damn bitch!" Only funny when it's someone who normally doesn't swear.
4. Being a homophobe. Honestly, that is the most unattractive attribute ever. If you can sit next to me, a girl who is attracted to boys, and not be worried about me jumping your bones, you can sit next to a gay man. Shut UP.
5. Being "put together." If you look like the maniquin I just saw in the Abercrombie/ Hot Topic window, you have no originalality and therefore nothing to offer in a conversation or relationship.
6. Being an anarchist: LEAVE MY COUNTRY!
7. Not caring about anything. Not caring about school is one thing. Not caring about ANYTHING is just and insult to life.
8. A stylish goatee that isn't kept up with. EW.
9. Being arrogant. Unfounded, excessive arrogance. There's a difference between feeling good about yourself and knowing your strengths and being full of yourself.
10. Playing with your food every day. On occasion, it's funny. Most of the time, it's just gross.
11. Being "ripped." Oh my GOD. This is such a big one. It should be near the top. Being "ripped" is actually really unattractive. I suppose if you're a health fanatic and do it to FEEL good, then that's fine. But these guys I see in the weightroom, watching themselves lift weights in the mirror...It makes me want to puke. It totally erases any physical attractiveness they have. You could obtain those same muscles shoveling the driveway for your mom.
12. Being "sensitive." The sensitive guy stereotype SUCKS. Oh my god. There's a difference between being compassionate and understanding and being fake and feeding lines. The kind of guy who goes out of his way to cry around girls just because he thinks that what they want is repulsive. Crying is fine, but only if you really mean it.
Things That Are Attractive:
1. Being bona fide. Genuine. Real. Don't LIE TO ME.
2. Intelligence. This is a tricky one because with intelligence usually comes arrogance. It should come with confidence and pride, but...You know.
3. Bowling shoes. For God's sake, BOWLING SHOES. However, not everyone can pull them off.
4. Having a passion/interest. There has got to be something that sparks you. Anything. Besides pussy and titties.
5. The ability to laugh at yourself. So many people think this is the same as being the class clown and making other people laugh. That is self-serving. That's getting attention for yourself. Being able to laugh at yourself is being able to see yourself as others see you, which will help you become a more effective person.
6. HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY! I haaate when people don't respond to normal conversation starters or make me do all the work.
7. "Spontaneity." Not being set to a rigid scheduel that absolutely cannot be changed. I can't stand it when I ask people to do things on the weekend on Wednesday and they say, "Well, I was gonna watch a movie and I have to be in bed by 9 because I have to do this and this and this." AGH!
8. Wearing clothes that FIT. Ahem. No one wants to see every crevice of your nipple. Nor to they want to wonder if you were previously obese.
I'm exhausted.
Wedding Bells
I'm suddenly overcome with some unidentifiable bad feeling about the fact that my husband will be able to choose his own best man. I'm really upset that I won't be able to twist his arm into having Zac be his best man. Like, really angry, actually. Who the fuck decided it was fair to take that away from me? Sarah, Julia, and Kate still have the priveledge of seeing me married and I them. Zac doesn't. I'm so angry about it, it's laughable.
I'm listening to Seasons of Love from RENT. Seems to me that love just causes a lot of pain.
I can't stop thinking about the way the light in the church looked in the church at Zac's funeral. I can't stop thinking about how there should've been a light shining directly upon his coffin, but there were black garbage bags over the windows because they were replacing the stained glass.
Why wasn't everything ready for him? Why did we have his funeral in a building that was under construction? The whole place should have been beautiful.
I can't stop thinking, "Fuck that damn priest who said, 'If Zac could tell us anything, it would be 'Keep the faith.'" Okay, no it wouldn't. He wouldn't be that impersonal and clicheed. Zac was an idividual and he loved us too much to feed us a line like that. Fuck you for disgracing him with that statement.
God, I'm mad.
I wrote Zac a letter this morning. I want to go take it to him, but I'm afraid all of the leaves will be gone and the place where Zac is will be ugly and common looking. I can't stand it. Why doesn't the place where he was remain beautiful always? My life had so much light and color in it when he was with me. How dare the seasons still change and take away the light and color when Zac is RIGHT THERE.
I don't understand anything.
Where are you, Zac? SHOW YOURSELF! I'm so sick of you hiding from me. It's really not funny AT ALL. Stop it!
Legalizing Pot
I have to add to Sarah's post about pot.
It seems that a lot of kids think that smoking cigarettes is worse for you than pot because pot isn't physically addictive. All right then. Let's just put aside the fact that you're still SMOKING SOMETHING! Honestly, how can you inhale smoke and not think you're damaging your body? Nevermind the fact that a joint has 4 times the amount of cancer-causing tar that cigarettes do.
You think people who smoke pot don't get lung cancer because you only hear about the cigarette smokers getting cancer. Do you really think the people who run our country want to make it so blatantly obvious that they can't control the traffic of illegal phsychotropic substances? Why would they just wave those statistics around like a banner? Hi, they don't want everyone to know that they can't control our nation's teenagers(not that other people don't do pot, but let's not lie to ourselves here).
Not only that, but smoking pot puts HOLES in your BRAIN. Your body's most vital organ? The one that controls your heart and lungs? Yea, that one.
The argument "People do it anyway, why not legalize it?" SUCKS. Okay, that is just rediculous. People commit fraud, homocide, and develop crack addictions even though its illegal. You know why the number one reason a lot of people don't do those things is? Aside from the obvious reasons not to: THEY DON'T WANT TO GET CAUGHT! Maybe they don't always get caught, but sometimes they do. And the fear of that one time when they'd get caught is the thing that keeps many people from doing drugs.
Pot IS psychologically addictive, kids. There's this line from the play that Alice's friend, Chris says.
"Control gets harder. I wonder sometimes. I always told myself I could get off drugs any time I want. I never tried to get off. I'm wondering if there might be a reason I haven't tried."
Previously they'd been talking about how they're on acid and speed and heroine and how all of their friends who are addicted started out on pot and got bored.
Also, the whole, "Well, it's legal in Canada!" thing is ridiculous. They also don't wrap their straws at McDonalds and let everyone touch everyone else's straw. They also can't afford to prosecute druggies because they pay for everyon's health care and have to make two signs for everything (one in French, one in English). Also, they're just poor in general compared to us. They have 70 cents on our dollar. They can't afford to keep pot illegal!
I suppose we really can't right now either with the war going on an everything, but what sense does it make to try and clean up another country (that we contributed largely to messing up, I concede) while we're letting all of the laws go in our own? I agree, we're not perfect. But we have to stay as good as we are in order to set a decent example for Iraq.
Thank you.
arbolhermoso
Listen to "Heavier Things" by John Mayer and look at this picture.
I aspire to feel like this.
Casame!
Uuum. Yes. Every couple of months I rediscover my deep love (lust) for John Mayer. I want to marry that man so he can play his guitar and swim in deep seas of blankets and have curly hair. uhUHUHuh...
I love these lyrics from "Your Body is a Wonderland"
Something 'bout the way your hair falls in your face
I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillowcase
You tell me where to go and
Though I might leave to find it
I'll never let your head hit the bed
Without my hand behind it
Due to my CD player's repeat button being pressed a gazillion times over the past few days, I have moved to never use the term "make love." Here's why: I'd really like to think that two people having sex do have love between them. Maybe not necessarily the kind marraige is made of, but some strain of it. Why would you have to MAKE love via sex? It should already exist.
I do however like the way John Mayer uses this term in this song.
Que Sorpresa!
Bush won. Hm. Hm. Hm.
I can honestly say I wasn't expecting it.
I have mixed feelings. I'm glad because, as I've stated, he's Pro-Life. On the other, he's opposed to gay marraige.
Mostly, I'm disappointed. I suppose I should feel good that something auspicious can still happen after Zac's death, but all I feel is remorse that he can't see the candidate he was in favor of elected to office. We had so many conversations about politics.
I was so sure Kerry was going to win. I just kept telling myself, "Well, at least Zac doesn't have to see this." Now he's missing out on good stuff. Don't be sitting there going, "Yea, good for who? The Iraqis?" For one effing time I'm not talking about YOUR political views. Okay? Just shut up. I'm talking about the ones I shared with Zac.
Scarf jumped all over me today when I suggested things for his scholarship. I got all depressed and pissed off, but I shouldn't have. Other people are grieving besides me.
I'm still depressed an pissed off despite this notion.
I went passed locker 1476 today and had an overwhelming urge to touch it, but for some reason I stopped myself. I don't know why.
Mr Lilleck asked me how I was today. I really appreciated it. Everyone else is just like, "New week. Whatevs."
EEEEH!!! Can't wait to see how the first BSP Christmas without Zac goes. Should be an effing blast.
Seasons of Love
I was reading this book that I got in a box of Cheerios, "When The Relatives Came" by Cynthia Rylant. This one page struck me as so BSP. It said, "But none of us thought about [home] much. We were so busy hugging and eating and breathing together."
Also, I get such a kick out of the fact that Jacob still likes me when I'm laying around my house in my pajamas with unshaven legs and unbrushed teeth.
I Like Bush. Please Ridicule and Judge Me.
Please don't disrespect me by not reading all of this. You cannot just skim it and say you know what I think. It took me the whole essay to get my opinion out. If you want to know what it is, please inform yourselves. I have done what I can to show you my true colors. You have to do your part by actually reading this rather than thinking you already know what I have to say. Missing one sentance may change your entire view.
George W. Bush may not be the most eloquent public speaker, but he knows that killing those who have not even a voice to protest with is unacceptable in America. Our citizens cry out, “Murderer!” at the sight of George Bush, because we have lost 1,000 troops over the past year due to his decision to go to war in Iraq. Strange how one man who sacrifices 1,000 volunteers’ lives in an honest attempt to free Iraq of oppressive rule is battered verbally and a man who is a strong advocate for the theft of 4,000 innocent American lives daily (1,460,000 yearly) is exalted. Who is the greater transgressor? The man whose plan for liberty and justice fails to go exactly as he intended, or the man who consciously decides that killing people who have not even had the chance to see the face of their own mothers is a constitutional and ethical thing to do? I thought that the answer was obvious, but clearly, the American public lost its eyesight when it lost two tall towers.
If it has not been made plain that my number one issue for this election is abortion, I will tell you now: My number one issue is abortion. It is incredible to me that Americans will completely ignore the simple fact that, as soon as a zygote is created, there is a human life existing. Every human has his or her own set of genes, containing 46 chromosomes. A zygote has a totally unique set of 46 chromosomes. Simply because the zygote does not look like a human at first does not mean that it is not human, nor does it mean that it will never be recognizable to us. People who are still in the womb are, believe it or not, people. All they need is nutrition and nurturing in order to become mature humans.
My classmates and I are not all that dissimilar to those not yet born. We are adolescents, or unfinished adults. To punish us for the simple fact that we have not been alive long enough to become mature humans is outrageous and I am sure that the whole country would be in uproar if any law prevented us from reaching our full potential. How a being that has only been in existence for a few weeks is different is something that I am incapable of fathoming.
John Kerry, no doubt, knows the medical facts about abortion. He knows how and when one is performed. He knows the developmental stages of a child. At least, one would assume that he would. I cannot see how someone who expects to run our country efficiently would not have taken a biology class in his entire life. John Kerry also knows what a partial-birth abortion is: the procedure of forcing the child who is as developed as 9 months out of the womb until only its head remains inside and then puncturing the skull and suctioning the brain out. This is the most repulsive and despicable act known to man: murder. That is not to say that an abortion done at one month is not murder but, at this time, the child’s nervous system has not yet allowed him or her to feel pain. Clearly, partial-birth is the cruelest. I’m sure that, before the skull is punctured, the doctors would even see feet kicking and arms thrashing, just as a toddler be observed doing in a painful situation.
John Kerry knows exactly what these procedures entail. He was given the chance six times to ban only partial-birth abortions and, each time, he voted in favor of keeping this procedure legal. His vice president, John Edwards, did the same. By electing Kerry and Edwards, we are increasing our chances of living in a nation where partial-birth abortions are legal and accepted. Advocating partial-birth abortions is simply ludicrous. Why not simply allow the child to live another three months in the womb and take advantage of the safe haven laws? Safe haven laws allow children to be dropped off at hospitals without any questioning. This totally counters the “dumpster baby” argument against prohibition of abortion. There is no reason to have an abortion, expressly a partial-birth abortion.
Kerry is even cited saying that he will do everything in his power to create a totally pro-choice supreme court. Where is the democracy in having only one side of an issue represented? Is John Kerry sure he is running for president of the global beacon of equality and democratic ideals? Perhaps he thinks he is running for dictator of a third-world nation that has never tasted the sweetness of government by the people. I would like to ask him.
John Kerry is trying to seem like he is a strong supporter of women and provides them the right to choose. Women, unless raped, already have the right to choose. Kerry has not provided that right, but he is making it seem like he has. Does he think he is the creator of free will? I was unaware that God is running for president of the United States.
Women simply refuse to accept the consequences of their actions. Some women will say that their rights are not equal to men’s because men do not have to give birth to children they do not want. I am terribly sorry, but I was under the impression that, unless terribly misled, all women go into sexual intercourse with the knowledge that they are female. Females have uteruses. Females give birth. Men are physically incapable of this. It is a medical fact of life. Women who think their rights should be the same as men are indirectly saying they should be men. Equal rights should be applicable to all things that do not directly relate to the anatomy of women. Honestly, if someone is female and capable of bearing children, they were born that way, just as their brother was born with the gene for baldness. Being female is something that is irreversible and should be embraced, not denied. John Kerry, by supporting women denying their bodies’ natural, biological processes, is trying to make women more like men: the feminist’s worst nightmare.
Also, Mr. Kerry is physically harming women by allowing them to have abortions. Having an abortion directly increases the likelihood of becoming sterile. Many women who have abortions need to have hysterectomies later on in life, which leads to many hormonal problems. Having an abortion will actually increase the risk of breast cancer for women whose genetic makeup makes them more susceptible to this strain of cancer. Also, there are the obvious psychological side effects that will affect some women for life. Kerry believes he is mending women’s lives by allowing them to have abortions, but all he is doing is putting off suffering.
Another qualm I have with John Kerry is that he is Catholic but still supports abortion. He says does not approve of abortion, but he cannot impose his religion on other Americans. I wish Mr. Kerry would please tell me which religion it is he feels he would be offending by outlawing murder. He has made me so curious. I would relish the opportunity to meet a member of this mysterious creed he speaks of and read his or her religious texts and discover the reasoning for the establishment of this belief-system.
Yes, Mr. Bush is a born-again Christian. No, not everyone is a born-again Christian. However, we are all human. We all can agree that murder is not exactly philanthropic. Let us put that matter aside and consider this: who is better suited for leading a nation, the man who says he is for one religion and does the precise opposite of what that religion stands for, or the man who states what his convictions are and acts accordingly? I would feel unsafe with John Kerry as president. I fear that he would tell me one thing to my face, but once he is in his office, behind closed doors, he would do the opposite. If he can deny his Catholic beliefs, why would he steadfastly support another idea? I cannot take anything he says as the truth with any kind of reassurance. I do actually agree with certain things he says, but I simply cannot trust him with the fate of a nation that contains so many people I love and so many people who deserve the chance to flourish in a nation that does what is best for mankind, not what is best for a man.
So Impossible
I just saw an ad that said, "Brazil: Tons of Fun." It made me laugh because I replaced Brazil with Somalia. Yay for heroin-addicted government!
That reminds me. I had a dream the other day that some of my closest friends were doing heroin. One of them couldn't pay for it and her own brother was dealing to her and said he'd only take her virginity if she didn't have cash. She reluctantly said okay. I leaped in and paid for the damn heroin, but I was mad. M-a-d!
I hauled off and said, "Fuck you!" to a sophomore that just rubs me the wrong way today. I've thought it many many times, but that was the first time in my life I've ever directly said that to anyone. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm not sure if Zac would've laughed or been offended. Probably laughed. But that doesn't make it okay.
In other news, people who chuckle when I express my beliefs in an intelligent, but heated manner, make me want to wax their bikini lines. Honestly, the way you express yourself is so asinine, it's not even laughable. I've never said anything derrogitory towards you, even though you have a very loose grip on reality and the English language. I have respected your right to have your own opinion, even if you can't express it clearly. Give me a break. It's people like you that make me fear for my country's future.
Also, THE RAPE ARGUMENT IS GETTING OLD. So many people will listen to me rattle off facts and then light up, as though they're so brilliant they can't contain themselves and say, "But, what about rape?!" Honestly. Number one: the vast majority of abortions are not done on rape victims. Number two: pregnancy from rape is possible, not probable. Number three: Rape is one of the most malicious acts a human being can commit against another. Why counter rape with murder? Logic and Ghandi tell us that "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." Evil does not justify evil. Number four: In what twisted society are children given the death penalty for the crimes of their father???? Please research this and get back to me.
