I had a pretty good day today, starting fourth period.
I had a guidance powwow with Mr Marshall and my fellow Db-Ke students. We spent most of the time bashing Brian Winger. I really need a new hobby...
I picked up an internship application and a work release form. I could be leaving every day at 1:30 to go work at a nearby theatre. That would be, basically, the best thing ever.
Fifth period was a little slower than usual, but comic relief was found in my classmate's obsession with deeper meanings and symbolism. I honestly was cracking up. You're insightful, but you don't have to broadcast it. This is an elective. Creative Writing is such a platform for bragging sometimes. "Well, I actually wrote from the perspective of the bird. *goes on for 15 miuntes about her brilliant peice*" No one really cares. We're all in this for stress release.
Mr Arnone made my day by stopping me after class to inquire after my language arts career.
Mr Nowociens little face lit up when he saw the fruits of my labor. My ripple tank project that is. Excellent!
I was at my locker after school, and this blur of green and white wizzed past my feet. I disregarded it as garbage until Vince picked it up and I saw that it was a sugar packet proclaiming "I LOVERMONT." This was the handiwork of that crafty Alex Marien who had just gotten home from Kinsington, VT.
We then ordered our Spotlighters sweatshirts. Mine will be maroon (this color only shared by me and Rob Sugar) with an undecided name. I'm debating between Ursula and Maireigh Cait. I shall decide at another time.
We then made posters for our charity benefit...a viewing of Napolean Dynamite in the HS Aud at 7:00 on March 23.
After everyone left, Vince, Jon, and I hung posters about the school and had a very lively fireside chat with Scarf. Unfortunately, she will be on sabatical for my senior year. I'm kinda sad about it because I'm taking all of the electives she was supposed to teach. She'll still be in for the play and for spotlighters though. I might want to be V.P. next year...
I came home and, in a rather relaxed fashion, went through some college stuff.
Reasons Why I Want to Start College in the Fall:
1. I'm sick of being babied at GIHS
2. I want independence so bad
3. Keight, Jacob, Julia, Alex, Mandi, Dave, Nakita, Jon, Carl, and Scarf will not be 'round these parts next year.
4. I barely have any friends who are underclassmen. Hence, social devestation
5. Senior hype. Not too interested in pretending I feel special simply because its my graduation year. Whatevs.
Things I'm Looking Forward To:
1. Half day this Friday (DDR plus Garden State plus....Laser Tron?)
2. Theatre workshops at Fredonia (3/9)
3. Julia's school play (3/10)
4. Seeing Kiss Me Kate w/ Jenny (3/11)
5. Seeing Wicked with the Broman women (3/12)
6. Seeing The Cobbler w/Spotlightahs (3/17)
7. Getting my Spotlighter's hoodie (Sometime in march)
8. Spotlighters Napolean showing (3/23)
9. Vacation starts (3/25)
10. Visiting University of Vermont (3/2_)
11. One Act Plays (all through April)
Time to write that insulant essay.
IndigoSailsQuirk: im considering just not doing the spanish essay
IndigoSailsQuirk: and getting it in late
neon STwist: im considering punching him in the nuts
So, I went to [Jacob's] Grandma Ruth's 90th birthday party last night.
It was truly bizarre to be in the presense of someone who can probably remember when my own grandma was born.
I liked that I only had to be introduced to like...4 people. Everyone else knew who I was. I loved being able to all out brawl with Jacob in the kitchen and hear, in between my shouts of "Jacob Matthew! Put me down!", Gabriel and Nathaniel laughing at us and making dumb comments. I felt entirely at home and uninhibited.
I had myself a grand time, until I realized how much work I have to do today. Then I started getting really cranky, which earned me a back rub. Which made me sleepy.
A List of Things That Annoy Me:
1. Having to repeat myself or listening to other people repeat themselves.
This is all too common in my household. It was said once, if you didn't catch it, it's not a big fucking deal. Your life will go on undisturbed. Particularly if the unheard comment was not even directed at you. If you decided to tune in on the middle of a conversation, deal with the fact that you're not privy to the entire first half.
2. Throwing the phone
Just unnecessary. Walk the extra three feet to hand it to me. You know I can't catch.
3. The way my mom blows air out of her mouth when she's annoyed
If you have something to say, say it.
4. The way my mom winces with pain dramatically when someone forgets to control the volume of their voice
I'm sure it didnt hurt that much
5. How loud commercials are
I'm not going to pay attention anyway
6. The way my little brother snorts snot up his nose
You will die of mucus saturation of the brain
7. When people are late without an explanation
It takes three seconds to call. It's fucking rude not to.
8. The way that my peers say, "I love you" when I say something really mean
There's got to be something else loveable about me. Also, why don't you put me in my place? I'm a huge jerk. Why do you continue to allow me to prey upon my peers? It just makes you feel better about yourself to hear me fly off the handle and say all of the things you were thinking but don't have the balls to say. Note: This comment doesnt apply to CQ
9. Thongs in the locker room
I'm just not interested
10. Little kids who try to guilt trip me with stuck out lips or fake crying
It will never, ever, ever work, and you know it. Give it up.
11. People who comment on the way that I interact with my boyfriend
Possibly I do like to do my homework while he sleeps with his head on my chest. It's really none of your concern. Worse even is people who have never really seen us together and go, "Aaaawww...you guys are so CUTE!"
12. American Idol
If you like to watch it, that's fine. Please don't stuff my ears with your opinions on people I've never even seen and don't care to see. Note: This is not targetted towards the Fox family. This is targetted towards the kids who talk about it nonstop in school.
13. Hillary Duff
You have the most annoying voice and way of shaking your head when you talk.
14. Ashlee Simpson
Wear some normal clothes and stop pretending your hair is black.
15. I am away from my computer right now.
Could you be any more lazy?
16. Adults who think they're kids.
Case in Point: Robert Collard
17. The kids in my creative writing class who think they're literary geniuses
No, Caitlyn was not trying to allude to the struggle of adolescence via irony in her piece about Humty Dumpty and I'm a Little Tea Pot. She was just whipping off a short peice because she had to write SOMETHING. You're just jealous that she can be candid and not deliberate over every word she writes.
18. People who make fun of me for my vocabulary
Honestly, my vocabulary is not advanced. Just because I slip the occasional superlative or reticent into a conversation doesn't mean that I'm some egg head who obsesses over knowing every word in the English language. It just means that I don't spend all of my time watching The Real World and Eurotrip.
19. People who make fun of me for the things I laugh about
I'm sorry that I don't see much humor in "cocks and pussies." Stop trying to convince me that genitalia are funny or jokes that make me feel uncomfortable about being female are amusing. It doesn't make me a tightass, it makes me different. I prefer to make my own fun rather than to sit back and be entertained. Entertaining myself means keenly observing the world around me. It doesn't mean watching shows that were written by middle aged men who still think they're fifteen. I'm eternally sorry that you don't understand me, but just lay off.
20. Intrusions upon my personal space
I like physical affection. I like heartfelt hugs and holding hands and snuggling on the couch with people I feel comfortable with. The list of these people is very short. If I don't touch you, chances are I don't want you touching me. I appreciate the occasional silly hug or kiss on the cheek, but don't do it just to be obnoxious and show how bold and funny you are. Just don't.
21. Heartless I Love Yous
If you don't mean it, don't say it. If you've only held one conversation with me and it was just because I was the fucking spokesperson for greif at our school, you can't possibly love me. Don't not talk to me for months and then blow me a kiss in the hall and yell, "I love you MK!" Only people that don't love me call me MK. Not kidding. Only awkward strangers who won't take the effort to say Mary Kate call me that. Aside from the people I have explicitly told it's okay to call me MK. This list is almost certainly limited to: Nick Thomspon, Matt Brady, and Michael Fox
22. Anti-Bush propoganda
Why bother? How is that pro-active at all? Why are you spending so much of your hard-earned cash on Bushism calendars and puppets when you should be putting it towards the retirement you allegedly won't have if his administration has their way?
I think that the most disturbing feeling ever would be knowing you're going to die. I hope sincerely that Zac had no idea. What are you supposed to do when that's just handed to you?
MEMORANDUM:
TO: Zac
FROM: God
Subject: Your death
Priority: Urgent
Zac-
By the way, I planted a time bomb in your chest. You won't wake up tomarrow.
See you soon.
-God
Don't anyone dare get mad at me for this post. You have no idea whatsoever how much a part of me Zac was and continues to be. I've been through enough pain to earn being able to express myself freely. I am in no way disrespecting Zac's memory, and you know it. You're just afraid to think these things.
On the other hand, Im so afraid of not seeing it coming. I'm so afraid to be that woman who drops dead in the supermarket from a brain anuerysm but so afraid to be that old man who is 95 and has already had all of his chances. He's healthy, but, come on, he's 95. He doesn't have years left in him. He'd know that every night might be his last and every Christmas and every birthday. How would you like that? Your ration of birthdays is up, but you're still going for another couple of months.
Zac spent his last birthday with me. All day. We rollerbladed and ate mango sorbet. He thought my cat was hilarious, and I took a picture of him. What would he have done differently if he'd known? I dont think he would have been sitting in my humid living room, quoting The Little Mermaid.
Living every day like its your last is unreasonable, but what if it ends that way? Zac's last day was spent at home, chopping wood. A filler day. A day spent looking forward to another event, such as the fondue party we were supposed to have. I hope not to die on a filler day. Or maybe I would like to. Just so that everyone's memories of the really awesome day aren't tainted "That was such a great day...until..."
I'm so afraid to die. I'm afraid of everyone around me going in the same way that Zac did. Every time I don't talk to someone for a day, I assume something bad has happened to them and the next call I get will be informing me that they've been taken from me.
I'm entirely serious. This is the way I live now. Sometimes I don't think I'll wake up in the morning. I'm afraid to go to sleep. I'm afraid my mom will find me the next morning and never be the same. I'm afraid I won't see it coming, and I won't have been the person I wanted to be. The one day I'm a true asshole. The one day I just want to have some alone time. That would be the day. And what an awful way to die.
Basically, I'm scared and angry.
Since I'm so dedicated to my physics project, I'm gonna fill out this survey that I stole from Sarah.
::HAVE YOU EVER...::
*Been to New York?: City? No.
*Been to Florida? Yes
*California?: Yes
*Hawaii?: No
*Mexico?: No
*China?: No.
*Canada?: Yes
*Danced naked?: It's doubtful
*Got a really bad feeling about something then it happened?: The Candle Incident
*Wish you were the opposite sex? Not really. I'd have to be strong or be a loser.
*Had an imaginary friend?: No, My grip on reality was too tight.
*Red or blue?: Both have their merrits. Hence the fact that they're primary.
*Spring or fall?: Fall
*Math or English?: English.
*What are you going to do after you finish this survey?: More work?
*What was the last food you ate?: SV chips
*How many buddies are on?: 16
*Last movie you saw?: Toy Story 2/Goo Goo Dolls Live
*Last time you went out of the state: Eh...probably July-Vermont
*What book are you reading now?: Grapes of Wrath, I am a Soldier,too:The Jessica Lynch Story
*What's on your mouse pad?: a sunset
*Favorite board game?: Parcheesi. Or Taboo, but that doesnt have a board.
*Favorite magazine?: N/A
*Worst feeling in the world?: helplessness
*What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning?: School days: Again? Vacation: Maybe I'll get up later
*Chocolate or vanilla?: Chocolate.
*Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?: When I can find her
*Do you type with your fingers on the right keys?: No
*What's under your bed?: board games, fabric, old toys, Poet...
*Favorite sport to watch?: gymnastics, particularly rythmic
*Hair Color: brownish
*Height Currently: 5'5.25"
*Glasses/contacts: None
*College Plans: Theatre Studies...at the University of Vermont?
*Best Friend: JSKJ
*Boyfriend/Girlfriend: Jacob
*Things I Like to do: snuggle, talk on the phone, cook, eat Conclusion: I'm fat
*Have you ever loved someone you had no chance with: No chance? Oh! Phillip Nestark.
*Have You Ever Cried Over Something Someone of The Same Sex Did: Uh-huh
*Do You Have A "Type" Of Person You Always Go After: They all have common threads, but they're totally different. The common thread is usually that they remind me of some member of my imediate family.
*Ever Liked a close Guy/Girl Friend: Yea. 7th grade. Dave Cole. Still not talking to him, haha.
*Are You Lonely Right Now: No.
*Ever Afraid You'll Never Get Married: Sometimes, but not usually.
*Do You Want To Get Married: Yea
*Do You Want Kids: Yea
::FAVORITE::
*Room In house: Mine.
*Type of music: Whatever category Goo Goo Dolls and John Mayer fall under
*Song: Right now...I love too many songs. Top 5 Non-Classics: Frou Frou-Let Go, GGD-Black Balloon, Matchbox20-Downfall, Mae-Soundtrack to Our Movie, Kara's Flowers-If You Only Knew
*Memory: yesterday afternoon's events
*Day Of the week: Friday if I'm not tired.
*Color: kelly green and deep red
*Perfume Or Cologne: fabric softener
*Flower: sunflower or tiger lily
*Month: May/Late September-Early October
*Season: Fall
::IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU::
*Cried: Damn Rent...
*Bought something: Contributed one dollar to dinner.
*Gotten Sick: vomitted? no.
*Sang: Are you kidding? I'm my own soundtrack.
*Said I Love You: mmhmm
*Wanted To Tell Someone You Loved them, But Didnt: Uh. No.
*Met Someone New: Tom Ott. Those girls.
*Moved On: Yes, spontaneously, I am moved on. Shut up.
*Talked To Someone: Yes.
*Had A Serious Talk: if by serious you mean heartfelt
*Missed Someone: Like a bitch
*Hugged Someone: Yes.
*Kissed Someone: Plenty-o-times
*Fought With Your Parents: No.
*Had a lot of sleep: Yea
Rent was ridiculous. It had a lot of energy and a good message with a creative way to say it. I cried on and off through the second act. Seasons of Love won't leave me alone.
I told Brian Winger that I was going to see Rent and he said that he didn't like Rent. All I said was, "Okay," because I had no idea whether or not I really liked it. I'd never seen it. But, now that I have, all I have to say is that Brian Winger is officially lacking a soul. You're a fucking loser, BW. I hope you discover a little something I like to call substance before you die.
BW is probably:
a homophobe
a classic rock fan
a steak eater
a vodka drinker
a litter bug
On that note, my favorite Brian Winger quote is, "What would they have done under an arranged marriage that they weren't happy in? Slash their wrists, probably." Once he realized that the only response he was getting was comprised of disgusted glares, he shrugged and shifted his weight nervously and said, "Who knows..." without really making eye contact.
Anyway, I slept in the same bed with two other Ben and Jerry's filled bellies last night. I just adore not sleeping alone. We woke to the scene of Whitney Yax advertising City Honors on the morning news. Funny stuff. We then sojourned to CH, where I trailed off to Jaycub and Sairuh and Keight went along their merry way.
Wound up at Jaycubs after a train ride. We fell asleep on the couch. It was entirely pleasant.
That's about it. I'm exhausted.
So, I neglected to say something.
I came home from my Patented Alex Marien Adventure today, and my parents gave me this lecture on not leading boys on and not two-timing my boyfriend.
*raises an inquisitive eyebrow*
I'm somewhat flattered that you think every Y chromosome bows to me in admiration, but it's just not the case. I looked like a flippin' construction worker today. I was wearing highwaisted jeans, a black hoodie, marshmallow jeans, and a skull cap. My eyebrows are untweezed and my teeth felt dirty. I also talked about Jacob, who I happen to love more than...um...anything, every ten minutes. How talking about my boyfriend to another boy is leading that boy on, I'm not sure.
I enjoy Alex's company, but I am not attracted to him. Please stop cheapening an attempt I'm making at having a normal life again.
I know where the line between friends and more than friends is. I reminded them that I hung out with Zac waaay more than I hang out with Alex and that there was never a question of intentions there. Why things are different with a lanky, awkward, red-haired boy than they were with a lanky, awkward, dark-haired boy...I have no idea.
Lemme alone. I'm hyper sensitive and trying to cope with an extreme loss. If you'd like to take over, by all means. I'm sure you'd be standing.
My day today entailed:
-finishing my creative writing assignment "In 30 years..."
-building a wall of a snow fort only to run for our lives
-building an entire snow fort with coaching from someone else's grandparents
-getting a happy meal (complete with My Little Pony)
-going to the Dollar Tree and buying a few choice items
-assembling a puzzle in the Tops cafe...and leaving it there
-accidently winding up at the Galleria
-playing DDR and shaming myself
-getting a Loganberry milkshake
Other adventures were had, but I am sworn to secrecy. Doesn't that drive you crazy.
My favorite Julia is...
Wearing interesting stockings, has flipped up hair, and is talking enthusiastically about food (i.e., wasabi nuts or sponge candy.)
My favorite Jacob is...
fresh from the shower, smells like soap, has unusually poofy hair that is a result of brushing it back while its wet, is wearing a t-shirt and his every-day jeans without socks, and is snuggling into my shoulder.
My favorite Sarah is...
wearing her camp-councellor best, cooking quesadillas, and dancing via shaking her butt.
My favorite Keight is....
barely coherent, balled up under a crew blanket. She slips into a deep sleep mid-sentance, only to wake up half an hour later and say to my back, "Whoops, dosed off..." and attempts to resume the conversation.
My favorite Zac is...
wearing a white, pin-striped shirt, is standing 12 inches from my face on the edge of a stage, staring me straight in the eyes with his celery-colored ones, quietly loving the fact that I have to miror his every move, and slowly, calmly, deflty, pinching his own nipples.
My favorite Alex is...
Dragging his hand across his rumpled red hair painfully in an attempt to stifle his awkwardness and hiding his eyes behind the glare off of his glasses.
My favorite Carissa is...
shaking out her leg in preparation for her dance to appease the bowling gods.
My favorite Caitlyn is...
lying face-down on her desk, crinkling her papers, wheezing with laughter over the fact that I just voiced exactly what she was thinking: how much more stupid than her everyone is.
Life goal: capture all of these flashes of adorability acurately on paper or film.
Love you guys!
Keight called me about an hour ago and...it was really awesome. She let out a bunch of stuff and it was nice to have someone be that honest. I've felt like, lately, there's a lot of small talk in my life. I feel like very few people are actually communicating with me.
Sometimes, my mind goes into instrumental mode. Everything has a certain feel, and you know what it's trying to convey, like music without lyrics. While I was talking to Keight, all of these things tumbled out of my mouth and I was surprised that there was a way to describe it. Feelings that I've been holding in since October just sort of flowed out and...it was relieving.
We talked about how nice it is to be around people you have no strong feelings for. Of course, having people that you feel a lot of devotion to is necessary and completely wonderful, but sometimes it's nice not to have to take every relationship seriously. It's nice to have those friends that you enjoy the company of but that you don't feel you could tell everything to. It's comforting to be around someone who doesn't know everything about you. The way I am prevents me from having secrets. I tell people I trust everything, without holding back. It's just a matter of time before my friends know every nook and cranny of my psyche. It's oddly empowering to be around someone that doesn't know much about your past or how you feel about absolutely everything. They will only know what you choose to tell them. Granted, this whole feeling of being at a distance diminishes with time, but it's queerly special while it lasts.
My relationships in which everything is shared and infinate amount of loyalty exists are invaluable and I'd never trade them for anything, but they involve a lot of work. While they're worth the work, the work can be exhausting. All I'm saying is that it's nice to be around someone whose only purpose in your life in entertainment. It's an emotional break.
Memorandum
A few pieces of news:
1. Lately, when I'm tired, I feel like I'm falling apart. My head hurts like a bitch, it gets hard to breathe, and my heart pounds. It's all very pleasant.
a. I got my blood drawn because I'm sick of this.
b. Apparently there might be something wrong with my thyroid.
i. I have to get my blood tested again next month.
ii. I don't think it's a big deal. Just metabolism stuff.
iii. This would make sense, because I have little to no energy at all times.
2. I'm not in the mood to walk around the city today.
3. I have to shower, because Laura and Lucas are coming over in an hour.
4. My mom thinks that my chest feels tight and my heart feels heavy because I'm grieving. I believe her, because when I really miss Zac, these symptoms become a lot worse. I equate it to something like extreme panic.
5. It is said that the 3-6 month grieving period is the hardest. This is proving itself to be true. Only 2 more months left of this period. Hopefully.
6. I'm in love with Jacob M. Fox
7. I have a lot of homework this week.
8. I am looking forward to Tuesday very much.
Business As Usual
So, these are two things that have annoyed me.
Two Exchanges with a male schoolmate. Red=annoying part.
Exchange #1:
MS: Our next Masterminds meet is on the first.
Me: Aha. I wish I could go, because City Honors would be coming.
MS: Why can't you?
Me: I have an appointment I can't break.
MS: An appointment where?
Me: If I'd wanted to say, I would have.
MS: Well....where?
Perhaps I didn't offer that I'm going to see my grief concellor because the last time I mentioned going you said, "Have fun at your crazy doctor." Loudly. From the end of my driveway.
Exchange #2
MS: I'll see you in a couple minutes.
Me: No you won't, I'm going out with Alex this afternoon.
MS: Out where?
Me: Just out.
MS: Well, can I have a ride home?
Me: What? Uh. Well, it's up to Alex.
ENTER Alex
Me: There you are. Ready?
MS: Can I have a ride home?
Alex: No.
Again, if I'd wanted to say what I was up to, I'd have told you. Also, how flipping rude to just ask some kid you never talk to to give you a ride home without saying hello first. Three extra points are awarded to Alex for flatly denying him a ride home. Even though it ended up being bitter cold and it was probably excrutiating to walk.
Since I'm not doing my homework at the current moment...I shall do this dumb survey.
Last kiss: Monday night
Last library book bought: Hm. Probably Burning Up. Which is actually about arsony, not sex.
Last book read: Theories of Relativity by Barbara Obnoxious-Name
Last cuss word uttered: fuck
Last beverage drank: milk
Last food consumed: strawberry yogurt
Last phone call: Jacob
Last tv show watched: Mmm...Will and Grace, which is extraordinarily rare.
Last time showered: this mornin
Last shoes worn: black clunkers
Last cd played: The Postal Service (a la Keight)
Last item bought: bottle of Apple J
Last annoyance: "Should we tell Mr Arnone what we think?" "You mean what you said and I said, 'What?' to?"
Last disappointment: clicked Zac's blog on my favorites out of habbit today. Hasn't been updated since October 23.
Last soda drank: Um. Orange Crush? Dunno. Twas a while ago.
Last key used: Wow. I never use keys. Probably went out to the car for something weeks ago.
Last words spoken: 'kay
Last sleep: 6:53am-7:13am
Last IM: Dave Melgar?
Last ice cream eaten: Tin Roof Sundae
Last time amused: the lady who took my blood was cheerful
Last time hugged: Probably yesterday morning-mi mammy
Last time scolded: I got a very breif "It's past two am" a couple weeks ago.
Last lipstick/chapstick: Softlips
Last underwear worn: black ones with purposeful pocket
Last time dancing: Sat'day
Last show attended: Sesame Street Live, most likely.
Resolutions
I will brush my teeth more often (meaning more than twice daily).
I will stop letting JM, CL (who is friends with JM), and BW get under my skin.
I will watch more films.
I will read more often.
I will experiment with music more often.
I will make one more friend (not friendly classmate) by the end of the year.
I will survive the winter.
I will be less dependent.
I will go to the library more often.
I will eat fewer processed and packaged foods (ha!).
Highlights of my Day:
-calculating the visible thongs per minute in lunch (2.7 t/m)
-"I will revolutionizing the Latin music world. I will do this by being the only white, red-haired, middle aged former furniture salesman to ever sing Latin music professionally. Also, I will sing in pig-latin, not regular latin."~In Thirty Years...by Alex J Marien
-a hushed voice from the right says, in the middle of math class, "inadvertantly buy drug paraphernalia."
-The Scary Ride
-writing about my life in 30 years...I ended up a powerwalking soccer mom of three who has a friend who is a sex educator (Sarah), a friend who took off for Sedona, AZ as soon as she could (Julia), and a friend who got married, had five kids, and lives in New England.
Other than that, I've been planning adventures, looking forward to this afternoon's gathering, and I signed up for Spanish next year. Turns out I'm garunteed college credit for it because it's through Niagara University, not AP.
ISQ=me BR=Dave Melgar
IndigoSailsQuirk: you know what song has always annoyed the crap out of me?
BunnieRapr: lemme guess
BunnieRapr: um. anthem by good charlotte?
IndigoSailsQuirk: oh my god. how did you get it?
BunnieRapr: whoa, am i right?!?!?!?!
IndigoSailsQuirk: yea
BunnieRapr: AHAHAHAHAH
IndigoSailsQuirk: i wish i were kidding
IndigoSailsQuirk: HAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
BunnieRapr: complete guess!
IndigoSailsQuirk: highlight of my day. yeeesss.
Speaking of pop-culture movements incurring anarchist feelings...
We were talking about the draft in Arnone's class today. And me and a certain someone were sitting there listening. She says, "I think I'll stay out of the infantry." And I said, "Me too, because I'm a coward." Her response was, "I just don't think that the United States is anything to die for."
What is, then? Your honor as a true Punk4eva? Your grotesque devotion to a trite and tired band? Your insane inability to be positive?
Way to slap everyone who has ever fought for the freedom you have to say things like that right in the face. Fuck you, you ungrateful little shit.
Unfortunately, I didn't say any of this. My only response was, "So, leave then." She smiled coyly and said she will. I doubt it, loserface.
Its been a year now since you were hear now and
I'll be tryin to heal inside dedications have all been placed and
I see your resemblance in my face
And on our birthday I'll set an extra wish for you for you and
I have learned so much since you've been gone and
I have done so little for so long so now
I'll settle up my grievances and focus on the savory and wave all these discrepancies away
and I'll peter out these misconceptions
give out faith at my discretion
live a life that you would think was sane
sane
display and changes that they have made
and I wonder if you ever really wanted it this way
and in your memory they even hung a plaque for you
for you
and I have learned so much since you've been gone
and I have done so little for so long so now
I'll settle up these grievances and focus on the savory
and wave all these discrepancies away
and I'll peter out these misconceptions
give out faith at my discretion
live a life that you would think was sane
sane
~"For Justin" Dashboard Confessional
I had a good day yesterday. I didn't really get around to functioning until like 3:30. Jacob came over at about 4, and we played Uno (not Duo) and watched Beauty and the Beast.
Then I (poorly) ironed his shirt while he was in the shower and we got ready for the ball.
We arrived and a good time ensued.
I probably could have lived without going bowling. I started to let people get on my nerves, as is my habbit when I'm tired.
I ended up having a dream that I was cast as Amayzing Mayzie in Seussical II, even though I hadn't tried out for it. I spent the entire dream totally lost, because everyone else had already learned the music and choreography. Also, I can't sing. For my life.
Scheduel for today:
Do homework
Maybe watch a movie with someone
Talk to Keight
So, I'm trying to write this peice on a certain moonlight swim I took with some comrads of mine. And it's way harder than I thought.
So, I'm sitting here with writers block, and I decide to browse through some myspace's. All people do on those things is post pictures of themselves looking at the camera. How boring. I think more would be said about them if they put pictures of...picture-worthy things, like Dillan in the freezer, or a Methodist gymnast signing karaoke, or a laundry basket. Taking pictures of yourself with your eyebrows at various angles does not tell anyone anything about you. Shut up.
I was crying in APUS today. Lab put me in such a bad mood. Physics is the worst part of my day, including Spanish. I couldn't stop thinking about Zac and all of those goddamn pictures from Homecoming. "Wow, Zac, you look fabulous! Bet you have no idea you're going to be burried in that a week from now!" Maybe that was crass of me to say, but honestly, it's the truth. I just wanted to be in Jacob's bed, laughing under the covers, like I had been less than 12 hours before. I feel like I have this wagon I'm supposed to carry my greif in and sometimes there's two fat kids in it instead of one.
All I wanted to do was slide down my locker to the floor and cry there. However, I went the extra ten feet to Alex's locker and we walked to Creative Writing, where we spent the entire period creating bizarre poems by cutting phrases out of magazines (mine was about slugs having a divine encoutner, his was about assorted meats) and plotting our next adventure. One option involves sweatbands and hand weights, the other involves recycling bins and a getaway car.
I walked home today and it was so bitter cold and windy that I felt like my face was getting ripped off. When I looked in the mirror when I got home, I saw that my cheeks were a perceivably attractive pink. I looked extraordinarily alert and warm-blooded. I thought about it, and realized that, maybe there's really hard things you have to go through, but you end up so much more alive than you had been. I appreciate good things so much more now than I did before and...well...I'm not entirely certain that I would go back and change anything. I would for Zac, but not for me. I think.
Lyrical Prose
I just like that phrase. And I'm posting lyrics. Because I feel like it.
"I was on top of the world, it was right in my pocket. I was living the life. Things were just the way they should be when, from out of the sky, like a bomb, comes some little punk in a rocket. Now, all of a sudden, some strange things are happening to me."~Strange Things, Randy Newman
"I want to see the end game. I want to learn her last name. Finish on a Friday and sit in traffic on the highway. See, I refuse to believethat my life's gonna be just some string of incompletes, never to lead me to anything remotely close to home life. Been holding out for a home life my whole life." ~Home Life, John Mayer
Aaaand...the entire song "No Such Thing" by John Mayer. Listen to the whole thing carefully, not just the chorus.
I was sprawled on Jacob's couch yesterday evening, doing my APUS homework. He was watching the Superbowl and I felt very...at home. A commercial came on, and Jacob slinked across the room and slipped under my arm, laid his head down on my chest, and wrapped his bare feet around my ankles. He quite nearly fell asleep there as I struggled to rest my homework on his shoulder without smacking him in the face.
His mom walked in the door and said, "That's an interesting way to do homework." It wasnt per se obnoxious, just...unnecessary. Oh well. My silent reply was, "Haha!"
The green glowing numbers on Alex Marien's Buick Century read 1:40 AM, precisely. I'm rambling incoherently and trying to use my seatbelt as a pillow. He finds my condition entirely amusing. He is in the same condition: completely fatigued. Unfortunately, he is driving. We're pulling out of a cul de sac, when I say, with my voice muffled by the seatbelt and a curtain of hair, "Let's go somewhere."
Without hesitation, Alex says, "All right. Your choice."
I consider going down to the river and figuring out something from there. As we get to Ransom, I have a flash of brilliance, which, at that hour, was more like a flicker of insight. I droopily leaned over, and patted his pea coat as eagerly as I could. "Alex, let's go to the Huth Road playground."
Alex laughs and says, "The Huth Road playground?!" There's a pause, and he says, "Which way do I turn?"
We ended up pulling into my driveway at 2:15 am. I said, "Well. I think this evening speaks for itself. I'm just going to leave quickly before I say something awkward." I walked into the house to find two very worried parents. I felt insanely guilty, but it was totally worth it.
Just another disclaimer: Last night wasn't amazing because I fell in love with Alex Marien whilst swinging on the frozen swingset. It was amazing precisely because there weren't any romantic moments. Just good clean fun.
YaYa
So, this evening. Alex and I are pacing about, because we had nothing to do. Alex is wearing his General Genghis Kahn Schmitz uniform, complete with Australian safari hat and pink medals of honor. We were approaching the end of the hallway when his face just lights up. "There's one of those awkward middle school dances tonight!" Of course, I'm interested. We tested the door for any locking mechanisms, assured ourselves that it was okay to be walking about in costume, with a mic on, and ventured into the middle school. We peered into the gym, expecting to find hos in training, and the usual separate but equal conditions for boys and girls. No dice. We went back into the dark hallways behind the stage disheartened, but with hope for the future. I will not divulge our plans, but they are BIG!
After he told me "the craziest thing he's ever done," we wondered what might be residing in the custodial closet. Even though the plans that we had for tomarrow are much more risky than just stepping into a closet, Alex was flipping out. I just walked in and started going through stuff and he was like jumping up and down, wanting me to come out so we wouldn't look suspicious. We were the only living souls in that hallway. Hopefully, he will not disappoint tomarrow.
Previously, i had been walking down the back halls by the new gym with Vincent Covatto. We were walking in perfect sync, moving our knees as little as possible. We were wearing the same type of shoes, and our footsteps resonated in the empty hallway in a way that almost divine. It was the most calm and peaceful 60 seconds I've had in a long time. Something about it was just...ahhhhh.
After the performance, I went to Yaya's with Sarah-Jane, Matt, Jimmy, Sarah ElHousani, Toni, and Tiffany and her boyfriend. We had a raucus time, praising the slaw, doing the hustle in the middle of the restuarant (much to the pleasure of the adults), and drinking two pitchers of Shirle Temples. It was a grand, grand time. The soundtrack was perfectly upbeat and everyone was singing and spontaneously breaking into dance. I loved it.
Other happy moments today included:
-Dave Melgar coming to sit with us in lunch!
-Carissa skipping studyhall to have lunch with us!
-Alex's "physical world" presentation
-my "physical world" presentation...entirely because I got to talk about Quality Markets
-Gallagher said I could be an amazing spiker (volleyball) if I only realized my potential
-"Soooold. SoooOOOoold. SooOOOooold.-OooooOOOOH, HorTON!-SooooOOOooold."
Jimmy Weatherston...sing me to sleep. Every night.
Things I Have to Be Greatful For:
1. Jacob/BSP..all they encompass. You all know.
2. Carissa's ridiculous ability to laugh at herself
3. The fact that people treat me with respect even though I dont deserve it
4. Zachary Robert Zarbo. I love you so much, darlin. I miss you like a hog misses his slop, but I you can't believe the immense joy that reenacting "Viral Transfer Complete" over dinner this evening filled me with. Thank you so much for everything you ever did to make me laugh. Including, but not limited to, "Core Meltdown in 5...4....3...2...1...", "Puhthetic.", "Overdrive!", and "Robu-hahahahahahaha!"
Things I'm Looking Forward To:
1. Seeing Jacob Matthew Fox, Katherine E. Peruzzini, and Julia E. Broman
2. Seeing Nick Hahn
3. My and Alex's PLANS
4. Seeing Carissa
5. Winter Ball
6. RRR Part 2
I'm freezing, full, and fatigued. Time for a bit of a respite.
An Auspicious Start
I found this gem amongst some of my childhood relics in my mother's cupboard. Judging by the trendy open circles over the lower-case i's, I wrote this in fourth grade.
Once upon a time, there was an ugly princess named Olivia. Olivia lived in Spain. There was a witch who lived next door. One day Olivia got hit on the head with the witch's 5,000,000 pound ^magic (added in later with a carrot) anvil. The anvil made her die. She could only be alive if someone sat on her. Everybody thought she was so ugly nobody dared to touch her. One lady told the carpender to build a fence around her. So for the next mileniom Olivia didn't live unhappily ever after.
That ambiguous ending was accompanied by a rather choice drawing of a stringy haired, disproportionately limbed, pigeon-toed, cross-eyed, knobby-kneed girl wearing a triangular dress and missing every other tooth.
I also found a play I wrote and directed in second grade. It was about the disillusioned runaway penguin, Waddles, and his popular jock brother. Unfortunately, the page with the ending was lost. Or, the last thing I wrote, "They went to bed at 7:00 and got up at 5:00 to look for him" was my idea of a satisfying resolution.
This all explains why I still have problems, to this day, with ending creative writing peices. I usually don't, actually.
In addition, I found my first ever bullshitted assignment. Written at the end of my fifth grade year, I wrote a heart warmingly simplictic composition on "What Huth Road Elementary means to me." In it, I lied like I never had before. I said that Huth Road was "like a second home" and that I had "5 of the best teachers," among other blatant untruths. My favorite statement aside from the second home business was the affectionate sentance about learning to play kickball and soccer, two sports during which my classmates mocked me endlessly for constantly scoring for the other team or being too slow.
Unfortunately, this was also the first time that bullshitting an assignment came up to bite me in the face. My teacher thought my essay was so well-done, so heartfelt that she made me read it at fifth grade graduation.
Hooky
So, I'm taking a mental health day. I'm going to be at musical practice, though. Because I have to. Before I get cracking on today's work, I'm going to complete a survey.
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY
1. Kare Kate
2. M. Jazz
3. Baby Cakes (don't be alarmed, this is a joke.)
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. FlamingoJackRox
2. PinkHoodlum17
3. MoodyFunshine
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My ability to choose excellent companions
2. my vocabulary
3. the fact that I'm not a fronter
THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. my need for a social situation instruction manual
2. my uncanny ability to convey the exact opposite of what I mean by not being able to control my tone/not thinking before I speak
3. my total inability to dance
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. a small yellow (formerly red) house in Kenmore with a green shag rug
2. Smugg's
3. The Berenstein Bears
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. losing more people I love
2. developing a mental illness
3. losing my sense of humor as I age
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Zac locket
2. BSP spoon
3. Jacob bracelet
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Jacob's pants
2. a Dollar Tree bra, complete with reflective fabric
3. ILOVERMONT t-shirt
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS (at the moment):
1. Kara's Flowers
2. John Mayer
3. Matchbox 20
THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. ......
2. driving
3. directing a show
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP
1. conversation skills
2. affirmation that my strong feelings are 100% reciprocated
3. ability to be ungroomed in the presence of each other
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE
1. I'm extraordinarily needy.
2. My ambition is to wake up next to someone I love, make babies with them, and feed everyone.
3. I believe that people in church are correct in all that they say.
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX (or same) THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. NOT ripped. No. No. No. No. No.
2. no blonde hair or blue eyes. something about it creeps me out.
3. honesty. don't gel your hair into an unnatural shape, don't pluck your eyebrows, don't tan, don't wear clothes just because they're "in."
THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. B uninhibited when it comes to my body. Most of the time.
2. manage my time
3. bite my tounge
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. snuggling with certain folk
2. talking to people as much as possible
3. going on bizarrely purposed outings ("We must get the scrunchies and food dye! Why don't we get one biscuit, too?")
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. fall asleep with Jacob
2. wake up in Sycamore 23 (not related to the first one. These would have to be separate events)
3. get out of highschool and bring my favorite people with me. (Sarah, Keight, Julia, Jacob, Carissa, Mandi, Alex, Zac, Caitlyn)
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. wife/mother
2. stage director
3. ......that's it. Professional Laundress?
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. SYCAMORES 23
2. Italy
3. London
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. have a family
2. watch the BSP kids grow into bizarrely disfunctional human beings
3. figure out what afterlife consists of. This should probably be number one...
THREE WAYS I AM STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY
1. I don't spend much time on my appearance
2. I'm fascinated by breasts (not attracted to them)
3. the way I eat
THREE WAYS I AM STEREOTYPICALLY A CHICK
1. I eat ice cream when I'm upset.
2. I love to dress up
3. I talk about boys. All the time. Often over the phone.
THREE CELEB CRUSHES
1. jake gyllenhaal (whatever)
2. Aragorn (not Viggo Mortensen. Just Aragorn.)
3. mmmm....I suppose whoever plays Harry in Spider-man. But not so much in the second one. He looks too polished.
I feel...
totally undesirable, selfish, gross, jealous, intense longing, out of place, gluttonous, lazy, irresponsible, immature, greif, neglected, unimportant, obnoxious, mopey, tired, fat, annoying,
clingy, bitchy, apathetic, dispensible, awkward, bored, out of shape, like an obligation, talentless, like shit.
Honestly. I dont know why I can't just be happy. I feel so insignificant.
I just fucking want people to get off of my back. Stop demanding things of me. I can't handle anything.
Something is missing. There's this giant hole in me that is always empty. Basically, I just want a Zac supplement. I just want to have a male friend who isnt constantly touching me. Obviously Jacob is allowed this, but other people aren't. Nick's cool, but our relationship is not at all what I'm looking for. I'm not saying that I don't need what Nick has to offer. I'm just saying he doesn't have everything. I've been searching desperately for someone who doesn't make me think, "Why aren't you Zac? What's wrong with you? Get away from me."
And I know who I want to play the part. However, I don't want to put in the time and work. I just want things to be instantaneously Zac status. I miss that part of my life so much. I can't explain it, it's just something that I need. Im not looking for someone who is just like Zac, but I'm looking for someone who can take care of me in the way that he did.
Don't start with the "I thought I Was Enough" routine. If you are female or dating me, you can not in any possible way fill this hole in me.
I spend so much time clutching my stupid locket and staring at the pictures and leaning against Zac's stage door and boaring my eyes into the boy I think can fix it. And I'm sick of people accusing me of having a crush on this kid. I fucking don't, okay? The precise reason I want him around is so that I can have a male companion who is not...I don't even know.
I just want to go to bed.
