W.W.Z.T.?
The only thing that's keeping me from throwing my virginity away like a used tampon and turning to drugs and alcohol as coping mechanisms is this thought, "What Would Zac Think?"
Honestly, I'm not going to defend the way I feel. I only hope that this thought remains in the foreground of my mind at all times.
In other news, I've deemed homework to be: SO LUH-MAY! I've never per se liked it, but I've never felt this extreme repulsion for it like, "Who do you think you are, taking my youth from me?"
The Gurlz (TM) and I got together today and watched the Vermont videos. WOOOOOOOOOOW. ILOVERMONT but...I've never seen so much footage of myself in my underwear. In fact, I don't think I've ever seen any footage of myself in my underwear. Ew! *rolls around gagging*
Also, I can't resist a 130 pound Jew in a dark wisteria t-shirt.
Laundry
I'm listening to the recording of Zac's NYSSSA concert. It sounds awesome. I know his voice is in there somewhere. It's so frustrating knowing I'm hearing his voice and not being able to find it. I wish I could extract those other 100 voices and just listen to him.
Anyway, I was thinking about this one day...July 3rd, if I'm not mistaken. Sarah and I were at Zac's house with his cousin, Heather, and he asked us "If you were a piece of laundry, what would you be?" He said he'd be the sock that gets lost in the drier and goes along for an extra ride. Zac, when are we going to discover that you're just taking an extra ride in the drier?
I was laying on my mom's bed today, watching her fold socks. She threw out a bunch that didn't have a mate and hadn't had one for a long time. I was thinking about how horrible it is that a sock is useless without its mate and how tragic it would be if we just threw out some of our favorite socks, only to discover its mate later.
Zac, I feel useless without you. Stop playing around. Come out of the drier, your extra ride has lasted long enough, honey. Please. They're going to throw me out.
Peace
All right, I just have to express my appreciation for a certain few people.
-Jacob Matthew Fox...I don't know where he gets off being so amazing. I love him so much I can hardly stand it. I was just listening to Crazy for this Girl by Evan and Jared, and of course the gender in the song is different, but this line just struck me: "He was the one to hold me the night the sky fell down." After the girls left on Sunday, I was just laying on my parents' bed, not looking at anything. He came in, took off his jacket, and just held me without saying anything. No "I'm sorry." No "Are you okay?" He knew enough to know that I didn't want to hear any of those things and that I wouldn't have a response.
-Nick Thompson. Nick, you're my fourth brother. I used to have five and I'd to anything to restore that, but I love you so much and I'm so glad that I still have you. Last night, at the dance, Nick was all dressed up as like...I don't even know, a 1920's cool cat and he was sitting on the floor, and I just sat down next to him and snuggled into his shoulder. He leaned his head on mine and rubbed my back without hesitation. It felt so good to just get all of that affection and know it only means, "Hey, I'm happy to see you."
-Devin Rooney. He is so full of life. It makes me feel so much better to think of him and his benzol peroxide hair and vibrantly blue eyes, bursting out with passionate cries of everything from, "And the polls of the Iraqis who say it was better before!" to "You have come on a most blessed of days!" while throwing down his backpack, whipping out a harmonica, and playing it badly. I get a lot of reassurance about the fairness of life from him. I'm not saying he deserves to live more than Zac did, but I'm saying that, although there are still people like *gfhgfdgbf* who OD on X and live to tell about it and do it again, there are still so many people who are doing something useful with their lives and appreciate living.
-Gurlz...My appreciation for you goes without saying and stretched beyond the ends of the earth. I love you guys more than I could ever express. "In my heart, it's the five of us." Remember that. The five of US. We are one unit. Nothing short of death can break us apart, and even then, we're united. I still feel Zac with me and I know he's with each and every one of you. My thoughts are with you always and I won't ever leave you.
Effortless
I don't feel like doing anything. This has all been too much of a strain on me. I can't believe I have to go to school tomarrow. No puedo creer que tengo que ir a la escuela manana. There, I said it in two languages.
I really just want to spend some time with myself. I'm just really fed up with having to talk about how I feel (I don't mean that people have been prying, I mean that I've just felt this overwhelming need to talk and talk and talk). I feel badly because Aunt Patty is obviously worried about me and she's called just about every day since she found out and, every time, I've made my mom tell her I don't want to talk to her. It's not fair to worry her, but I AM EXHAUSTED AND I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT! That wasn't directed at anyone. No one should feel badly about asking me how I am. It's just that there have been so many people that I just can't stand to repeat, "Really awesome, considering. I was so priveledged to have so much time with him. It's hard for me, but I have a lot of peace about it because I didn't have anything unsettled with him and I feel like I had substantial time."
It feel horrible repeating myself to people, but there's only so many ways you can reword that.
The funeral was absolutely beautiful, and I was starting to feel like a jerk for not crying, but Caitlyn and Brielle were singing "For Good" from Wicked. I was just listening and squeezing the crap out of Jacob's and Kate's hands when all of a sudden, when they sang, "There's so much of me that's made from what I learned from you," I lost it.
Then, after, Kate asked me to come up to the coffin with her. She asked me where I thought the head end was, kissed it and I pressed my palm against it. We both started wailing.
It was weird that I reacted that way to the coffin. When I saw him yesterday, I smiled. I thought, "Silly Zac, you're not fooling me! I know you're not in there!" I don't know where he is, but I know it's not in that metallic prison. Then, at the second wake, I touched his hair and leaned in and kissed him on the forehead and rubbed his belly. It didn't even make my heart pound. It made my mouth taste like make-up and funeral home for a long time, but that was it. I was a bit taken aback by how much his skin felt like playdoh and how cold it really was, but that's it.
I don't know.
John Blanton is my new favorite person. I don't think he knew Zac, but he put on a full suit and attended the funeral. I spoke at the funeral and he went out of his way to find me afterwords and tell me really calmly without trying to hug me, "What you said really showed how strong you are. I think you have a lot of strength and it just showed what kind of person you are." That meant more than I think 75% of the stuff people have said. A lot of people said similar things to me, but it meant more when he said it, for some reason. And he went to the cemetary, too.
Caitlyn Dwyer and Katie Crowley came up to me and said they loved what I had to say and gave me hugs.
I'm so pleased that Zac is in a cemetary that is less than 2 miles from my house. When it's not winter, I can just walk there to see him without having to drag anyone along. That cemetary is so peaceful and it was so beautiful today. The sun was shining and the leaves were so incredibly vibrant. I was just overflowing with satisfaction. Obviously, I'd be more satisfied to have him with me, but if he has to be burried somewhere, I'm so happy that it's there.
In other news, I'm just having a really hard time. I'm so afraid of losing all of my innocence because of this. I'm afraid I won't ever look at the world the same way. I'm afraid of being bitter. I'm afraid of coping with this in a way that I'll regret later.
I just want to lose myself in recklessness. I want to do something totally in a totally abandoned fashion, but the consequences would just be tremendous. I'm not talking about killing myself or anything. I just want to do something that defies all the rules my parents, adults, and I have placed on my life.
I'm so jealous of anyone who is giving birth today. Honestly, if it weren't so painful and gross and I could just do it and not have to worry about what's going to happen to it, I'd SO want to be giving birth right now. It sounds absurd and gross, but who wouldn't want to create life?
"Well, it's time to work. The work is useless now. Love, can't you see? Your help is lost to me. I wanna be alone tonight."~Losing All Control, Rooney
Rumination
Top Few Stupidest Reactions to Zac's Death I've Heard:
1. I heard this rumor that Zac's dead...Is that true? It is? I'm sorry. Just checking. Bye. GO TO HELL! You fill me with more hate than I've felt for all people I've encountered ever. I'm so glad that you knew I'd be greiving and you put your curiousity ahead of that. That's real cute.
2. I guess it was just his time. Fuck you, no one's time is when they're 16. You didn't even know him, cold, heartless, bastard. I hope the stupidity of that slaps you in the face one day and you can't shake the guilt no matter what you do.
3. Julia, I think you're biting off more than you can chew. Yea, because she schedueled Zac's death on the day before her music theory lesson. She said to herself, "I think I can handle this this week..." and now she's saying, "Shoot, that was a silly move. I guess I'll have to rescheduel for tomarrow." I used to respect you. Now I don't know what I think.
4. Did you girls have fun at your sleepover last night? Yea, we had a grand blast. We decided to get together on a school night just to paint each other's nails and talk about what a qt Ashton Kutcher is and used Zac's death as an excuse. For Zac's sake...SHUT UP. You have no idea what kind of pain we are all going through. I'm sure you would have said that if you'd seen how we felt like our bodies were being ripped apart because we couldn't breathe, our heartrates were out of control and we were making sounds that we'd never heard in person before. We definately loved having to hear the people we love most in so much pain we can't bear it.
Unless you've felt like there's a box around your heart that just barely fits it and every time your heart beats it outgrows the box and it causes you to feel like your heart can't beat even one more time, don't say anything to me about Zac.
"Although I can't imagine how, I hope you're happy right now."~Defying Gravity, Wicked
I Can't Breathe
"I never thought I would just
Bend this way
Then a phone call made me realize I'm wrong
And If I don't make it known that
I've loved you all along
Just like sunny days that
We ignore because
We're all dumb and jaded"
~4am, Our Lady Peace
I miss you already, Zac.
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and the strongest person I know isn't here to help me.
I had a dream last night that this was all a joke and, for a second after I woke up, I felt like this was still my life.
*groan*
I'm going to fall apart.
I started an entry last night and never finished it.
So, here's the rest of it:
I'm so sick of people who are "hopeless romantics" when they've never had a serious relationship. All they are is ignorant.
Just because two people love each other doesn't mean they're suddenly perfect. I hate that I have to hesitate to say that I love Jacob even though I know it's true just because some people would jump all over it and say, "No you don't, you're 16!" Okay, Jacob's gotten me through the past year. I think I have a right to love someone who does that. Thank you. Just because I'm a minor doesn't mean I'm incapable of feeling any emotion besides defiance and embarassment. I'm a real person with real feelings reguardless of my age.
Yea, I love Jacob. Yea, he loves me. This creates some awesome feelings. It also makes both of us so frustrated and angry and depressed it's rediculous. And it's not because we have an unhealthy relationship, it's because we're real. We're honest with each other and sometimes it leads to tears and sometimes it leads to being angry.
This is so hard.
No one's going to understand what I'm saying. They probably think I'm saying all of this because our relationship is shit and we're just dragging it out. Congratulations for making assumptions about things you know nothing about if you were thinking that. Bravo.
All I'm trying to convey is how much people don't realize about being in love. It is hard. It's the most powerful emotion known to man. It's made me completely crazy. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself. And it's not always because I'm in tears. Sometimes I do catch myself with a really goofy grin on my face or a glint in my eye I've never seen before. Most of it is good.
I just wish people realized what they were saying when they say things like, "Ohmigod, you and Jacob are so perfect! I want to be just like you guys!" Well, be prepared to cry for seemingly no reason, feel like a coke fiend when you can't talk to him for as long as you want, and be really angry at him sometimes for dominating all of your emotions. That's what love does. I'm not harping on the good, because everyone seems to know that already. I'm just trying to get all of this out of my system.
I love getting compliments for having a healthy, mature relationship with Jacob. I don't like it when people assume it's easy. We were talking about it last night and we agreed we wouldn't want it to be easy. Things are worth so much more when you have to work for it.
Once again, Jacob and ARE happy most of the time. We aren't trying to make a relationship work that has no chance of working. The fact that we can get mad at each other and let each other cry and cry just because the other person is exemplifies how much it really is working way more than the fact that we do all those cutesy teen in love things.
Okay? Does everyone understand????
STOMP
Jacob took me to STOMP! One of the best blah blah blah.
I'll talk about it tomarrow.
However, right now, I want to express 2 things.
I'm angrier that I could ever express that my favorite person in the whole world, Christopher James Duff was cursed with some type of genetic defect that makes him hate living. I will never be able to convey to anyone else how much pain, tears, and general anger towards God, science, and all forces that run our lives this has caused him, me, and my family. It's so unjust. Whoever just said, "No one said life's not fair,"...Fuck you. Just fuck you.
Another note: I'm so sick of these people who call themselves "hopeless romantics" when they've never had a serious relationship with someone.
Never mind. I'll talk about it later.
Scholastic
I'm totally not listening to "Defying Gravity" from Wicked and writing in my blog instead of studying for my all-important math test today.
Pahaha.
Jacob called me at "9:42" last night and said, "Be ready at 5 tomarrow...in your fancyware."
What?
Highlight of my Day
The highpoint of my day was definately having a spirited discussion with Victoria McCraith about how the J. Crew catalouge equates to our Playgirl.
"People laugh at me when I say my perfect man is the J. Crew man."
"You have to wonder...What's under those button-up shirts?"
"There was this one picture...with a black, retro convertable...Oh my GOD. I looked at it and thought, 'That is man is so beautiful.'"
Hahahahaha!
queverde
I love cloudy days because all the colors look so much brighter in contrast.
quehermosa
Insert Ricky Fitts mantra HERE.
This is one of the most beautiful pictures I've ever taken.
I just love it.
F. Y. I.
If anyone has any type of access to the October Sky soundtrack, please let me know.
amazon.com is currently holding its one copy hostage for 40 bucks. This is unsatisfactory.
If you find a copy, I'll pay you handsomely in affection/indentured servitude for all of eternity.
Must. Have. October Sky Soundtrack!
APUS is SUPA
So, I'm up late doing my APUS homework because I'm bad at budgeting time. Okay, I know how to budget time, I just refuse to comply with my own rules.
Anyway, I was reading along, making a 6 page outline and I stumbled upon this jewel.
"Above all, Jefferson advocated the rule of the people. But he did not propose thrusting the ballot into the hands of every adult white male. He favored government for the people, but not by all the people-only those men who were literate enough to educate themselves and wear the mantle of American citizenship worthily. Universal education would have to precede universal suffrage. The ignorant, he argued, were incapable of self-government. But he hadprofound faith in the reasonableness and teachableness ofthe masses and in their collective wisdom when taught."
Um, yes, exactly how I feel. Word to my buddy T.J.!
This is not a knock at anyone, nor is it an attempt to make myself look better. I am educated on one issue. I am guilty of being ignorant as well. The difference is that I am basing my vote on the most important issue to me, and I've educated myself on that one issue. So, my ignorance is somewhat irrelevant in this election. I still aspire to be more educated come the presidential election of 2008.
I feel like such a nerd that I got all excited when I read that passage in my text book (American Pageant) and immediately thought to myself, "MUST PUBLISH IN BLOG!"
Remember to Breathe
I had an awesome day. It was a lot of fun, however strange.
The most fun/strangest events are as follows:
-Making Zac nearly pee his pants with fright when I leaped in front of him on the stairs this morning.
-Listening to Senor Winger tell the same preterite tense jokes as he did last year and using the excuse that none of us "are awake enough to get it," just like he did last year. I had to tell him that the past tense of poner isn't really funny. Nor are round jigsaw pieces. However, he wouldn't be as entertaining if he didn't try to appeal to teens.
-In the middle of a conversation at lunch, for some reason, Andy noticed that Jem had scooched closer to me. It was because he was dodging edible projectiles and didn't bother to move his chair back. Jem was all, "Ooooh, well *yawns and puts arm around me* that's because I'm in love with her." I squirm away good-naturedly and Jem and I laugh. Andy doesn't laugh and says, "Actually, you two make a really good couple." I'm now really confused because Andy doesn't just say those things with a totally sincere tone. No one at the table objected. Uuuum? He wasn't implying that we're flirtatious or otherwise crossing the friend line. However, something posessed him to think that we work well together. This concept is far too foreign to phathom. I'm dating a svelt Jew who I've never heard speak of women in any kind of disrespectful way, who loves his parents and makes all other parents jealous, and hardly ever swears in my presence even though I swear in his. How this makes me compadible as anything more than friends with, though I love him dearly, someone who is essentially a 12-year-old boy who uses the word pussy as a euphamism for girl.
-Same lunch period, some conversation is going on, and Ryan just goes into convulsions scratching himself spontaneously, pauses long enough to turn, look at me in the eyes, and say "I'm itchy!" and return to his manic exfolitation
-Playing racket ball!
-Laughing sarcastically like the cold hard bitch I am when Mr Redeen interupted my physics class to demonstrate how he cannot handle the fact that a small boat is called a dingy. *did you know that sarcasm, if you look at its Greek roots, means to rip away flesh?
-Charging up behind Nick Vallina after school, taking his brain from him, being chased around the Viking Mall, having my brain taken, and thus running into the girls locker room with Nick Vallina's brain, aka yelling "I think I'm a vampire! HEHEHEHEHEHE!!!"
-Obtaining a Spotlighters sweatshirt
-Doing breathing excersizes on the stage
-Which entailed standing 3 inches away from Forrest's face and feeling his ribs...(?)
-Thus my reign has politcally begun
-Talking back to a ridiculously obnoxious busdriver and devising ways to dismember/maime here.
Aaah, now I'm off to get my creative juices flowing by writing the short story I conceived during psych today...that no one is going to be privy to reading.
A Clarification
I feel the need to illuminate the dark passages of reasoning to some of you. Okay, probably not YOU, because none of my friends that read this would say anything like this.
Ahem.
We did a lot of discussing in APUS today. About the election. I've already gone into why I would never vote for Kerry. So, I was talking to one of my friends (I forget who) and I said, "Well, I could never vote for Kerry because he supports abortion, which I think is totally wrong. *insert small list of medical facts here*" And someone, who shall remain nameless, has the balls to laugh at me and say, "Well, you're open-minded, Mary Kate."
Will someone please tell me what she meant? There is a distinct difference between having convictions and standing by them because you've thoroughly thought every aspect of something through and come to an intelligent and informed decision and being "closed-minded." The fact that I have answered all of the questions I've had about abortion via hours of research and talking to tens of people about it doesn't make me less tolerant of other people.
Yea, if someone agrees with the concept of abortion, I disagree with them on that one matter. However, I do not pass a be all end all judgement on them. As a general rule, I assume other people are responsible about what they say about important social and political issues and have good reasons to feel the way they feel. Whether it be from life experiences or some other factor. If I were "closed-minded" I'd call everyone who disagrees with me an idiot and not listen to anything they have to say.
The fact of the matter is, it's not my fault I have hard medical facts or solid logic to refute any arguements people have against my beliefs. It's THEIR fault for not coming into a discussion prepared to defend their position. It doesn't make me a bitch, it makes me a good debater.
Yea, I'm fiery. I thought you all were used to this after what...nearly 7 years with me? I think being fiery and having convictions is way better than being a wishy-washy "everything's just fine...don't rock the boat", ignorant teenager who starts most of her opinion statements with, "My mom says..."
Grow up. Just because I believe killing babies is wrong doesn't mean you have to look at me like I have cream cheese coming out of my ears and say, "Wait...YOU'RE CONSERVATIVE?"
Fuck yea, I'm conservative in some respects. Just because I live in a highly democratic state doesn't mean I'm alone in what I believe. There are plenty of people in this nation who agree with me.
Everyone here assumes everyone else hates absolutely everything Bush stands for. If we all agreed on everything, why would we bother with democracy? Why wouldn't we just have one absolute ruler who just assumes everything?
And another thing, just to make you "liberals" feel more cozy about your stance on the election, I did a survey today at presidentmatch.com today and the majority of my answers complied with Kerry. However, I'm willing to sacrifice less meaningful factors in my life to prevent the slaughter of helpless Americans.
One of my friends is strongly for Kerry for the simple fact that he's for gay marraige. In her mind, that's more important than abortion(which she is also opposed to). And I know why she feels that way because I know her well, and I understand. I don't think any less of her. She is doing the same thing I'm doing. She's taking the issue that is most important to her and chosing her cantidate that way. She's doing the exact same thing I as I am. She's chosing to elect the person who goes against one of her strong beliefs, but is in favor of her strongest. Her belief is just more popular than mine.
Stop antagonizing me!
ztangmjazz
Oh? Oh!
Zeack and I are all gussied up in matching apparel! We didn't plan it and his tie actually contains slightly more blue than my dress dress does.
Best part of going to a dance with Zachary R.Zarbo: you can obnoxiously parade around the whole place during slow dances, exemplifying how to "leave enough room for Jesus."
royalty
ARE MY TEETH REALLY THAT COLOR???
Here are Vince and I, assuming the "King/Queen" position we learned at play practice the other day. Note how authoritative and laubible we look.
meandjem
Three cheers for vibrantly yellow teeth!...
Anyway, this is my bosom buddy Jeremy. I'm sure you all know him. Seeing as Grand Island is the size of a large dinner plate.
We go way back to first grade and I find it rather ironic that the kid who sits next to me in lunch throwing salt in underclassmens' buttcracks is wearing a shirt and tie.
The facial expression makes up for it, I suppose.
legalizesophomores
Yay for cool sophomores. Forrest and Vincent definately enhanced my Homecoming experience. Specifically, they were really good at "washing their hair" and doing "the shopping cart."
(mood) Swing
So...I'm 16 now. What an odd concept.
My day was so moody. I was having a good time, then that whole football game thing happened. Then my mom straightened it out and I was happy. I finished my English paper and Jacob and his mother showed up at my back door. I got flowers from Jacob and a hug from his mother. Happy Happy Happy.
Jacob and I explored the house at the end of my street, went to the playground, played in a construction vehicle, and walked home.
Then my family showed up. It was fine, mostly. I was slightly perterbed that no one besides Sean would take their eyes off of the TV. It was fine because we weren't really doing anything, but when it was time to open my presents, my grandpa threw a fit about the TV being turned off. Uuum...Yea, hi, ONE fucking day out of the year isnt about you.
Then my other grandpa noticed that I was mad, and he said, "Oh, she doesn't like football!" Okay, I don't. However, I was mad because I was being ignored by my own flesh and blood on my birthday. Thank you for reducing my emotions to meaningless shit.
But things picked up again when I realized that my parents really DO know me quite well when they presented me with Scarlet Fiesta ware and a fondue pot. Dinner parties anyone?
Jacob and I lazed around for a while. Then I the phone conversation that set it all off. I won't go into details because it isn't fair.
However, I incredibly pissed as a result, even though I pretended not to be. I ended up taking it out on Jacob who is rarely anything but wonderful to me. I ended up having a chat with him outside of the Hamlin House and came inside after he got picked up and almost immediately burst into tears. I had Kate dressed up as a ladybug, Julia dressed as a cat, and Zac just being Zac enveloping me while I stood there crying. It was...unexpected, to say the least.
I looked up over Julia's shoulder and burst into a fit of laughter when I saw a plastic, motorized pumpkin with light up eyes scooting around a stage.
However, an anticlimactic time ensued. We made the executive decision to get Justin Schaber to drive us to Panos. We had only been at the dance for 10 minutes, and we'd spent 6 bucks. So, we decided that it would be more likely that we'd receive a refund if Keight had fallen violently ill. She and Zac made a very good show of this. I asked the girl if we could have our money back since we'd only been there for 10 minutes. She said to take it up with Chuck Chaz. So, I did.
I said to him, "Excuse me, but we have only been here for 10 minutes and our friend got really sick. She feels like she's going to throw up. We have to take her home right now. But, we already paid our 6 bucks...and since we only stayed for 10 minutes, we feel kind of cheated. Do you think we might be able to get some of our money back?" And Chuck Chaz, who was dressed as Jack Sparrow and loving every second of it, had the audacity to smile at me, look me right in the eyes and says, "I pay 200 dollars to rent this place. Sorry." As not to make a scene, I said, "I understand," bit my cheek, and calmly exitted.
As a result, I am writing him an angry letter, telling him in an intelligent and thought-provoking way, "You're an asshole." Also, we all agreed to boycott him. I don't like swing dancing enough to support scumbags like him.
I know, I know. We were lying. However, he didn't know that. As far as he was concerned, our friend really was on the verge of vomitting. He didn't care. He pretends like he's all about bringing the joy of dancing to a lot of people at an affordable price and he's really just all about the money. Yea, I realize you have to support yourself, but you just shot yourself in the foot. You just lost, at minimum, 30 dollars a month. Most likely, more than that because we would have brought dates and friends. If you had been curteous and understanding about it, we would've thought your dances were worthwhile to come to. Our friend wasn't ill, but for God's sake, the birthday girl was crying. It's just easier to say someone's sick than saying someone is feeling really moody and here are the 17 reasons why. Equally pressing matter.
Chuck Chaz, if I had to say one thing to you, it would be: Your pony tail looks like a long-haired guinea pig's hind region.
However, I love having legitamate reasons to put people who have always given me a bad vibe down. And now I have an excuse to write and irate letter of protest. Not all bad.
We went to Pano's and shared pancakes. It felt so right to be chillaxing with those kids, eating pancakes, at 9 o'clock on my birthday. There was a Sarah-shaped emptiness in my little heart, though.
Keight presented me with a gigantic, extremely aesthetic collage of Phineas paraphernalia. It was awesome.
It will be hung in a place of honor next to the beautiful photo collage that Julia made for me.
ILoveYouGuys!
It's Just a Game!
Okay, I really just have to get this out of my system.
I am so SICK of people letting a goddamn game dominate their lives. Nevermind one that they're not actually attending or playing. It's on T.V.!
My grandma leaves a message on the machine today, "Well...Daddy wants to know if we could maybe come over after 4. There's a football game on and he wants to watch it." My mother visibly tensed when she listened to it. I was going to let it go, but she made it pretty clear by her tone when she asked me what I thought that I should come out and say what I'm thinking. "Um...Football's on multiple times a week. His granddaughter's birthday is once a year. I think he can suck it up and miss it this one time."
GOD!
I love my mom. She got on the phone and said, "We said everything's happening at 3. See you then."
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Oh my God! And you know what's really choice? The man has an effing TIVO. He can watch it anytime he wants without having to worry about buying a tape. Oh my God!!! *bursts out laughing because the absurdity is just incomprehensible*
I feel like I've just been told I'm going to spill beer on the couch.
Caught in Between 10 and 20
I know this is the millionth time I've updated today, but I had a thought.
I'm sitting here, home alone, painting my nails and "writing a critical lens essay" on a book I haven't read. That's when it occured to me.
Today is my last day of being 15. I love the weight of the statement, "I'm fifteen..." I love it when I'm hanging around a college campus for some event and someone approaches me and says, "Are you a student here?," and I get to say, "I'm fifteen..." Or I'm walking down Elmwood and a man with a clipboard asks me if I'm registered to vote and I say, "I'm fifteen..."
Now I'm gonna have to say 16. And that's only 2 years younger than a minor. That's driving age. 15 sounds so much more carefree and childish. I can't get immense pleasure out of bossing around 17 and 18 year olds because I'm no longer 2 or 3 years younger than them.
BLAST!
Damn growing up!
Who 4 Prez?
Okay, I'm reading John Kerry's website. Haven't read much, haven't read any of Bush's yet. Kerry seems to me, a teenager who has no idea what went on during the Bush administration aside from the very obvious, to be rather... I can't think of a good word. But, the fact of the matter is, I like what he has to say. About everything but abortion.
The sad fact of the matter is that I cannot support someone who will allow a whole nation to commit murder legally. I will not.
How can we talk about "National Security" when even Americans who are still within the confines of their mother's womb can't be garunteed saftey? Straighten that out. Maybe that's the kind of attitude (the attitude that killing is okay as long as you believe it is) that's put our nation in the state it is.
I know it seems like kind of an extreme parallel, but here we go. The members of Al Queda had no problem whatsover killing thousands of Americans. They believed it was okay to kill these people because they were getting in the way of their ideal world, one that was centered around Islamic principles.
Fundamentally, how is that different from abortion? Women (and men) think it's fine to kill thousands of babies every day because it gets in the way of people's ideal lifestyles (i.e., one in which they don't have to spend an ounce of their energy tending to another human being or one in which they don't have to worry as much about financial problems.)
I see very little difference. We cannot stand tall and proud as the nation of equality or as the nation whose citizens are closely knit and help eachother out while we're killing our own people. We're killing the people who may have grown up to find the solution to our international conflicts. We're killing people who might find alternatives to stem cell research. We're killing their peers who will use the new methods of research to cure all of our diseases that cost us an our government so much pain and money.
We're destroying so much potential, guys...I'm so sad.
Caught in the Rain
Well, I took the PSATs today. What an unpleasant experience. The whole time, I kept saying to myself one of two things: 1. "Take all the trees and put 'em in a tree museum." (Ocassionally followed by, "Charge all the people a dollar and half to see 'em.") 2. This day shall live in euphamy! (I can't think of a single euphamism for today, although it felt eerily similar to the day that I took the City Honors entrance exam on.)
Then I came home only to be locked out of my house in the pouring rain. I had to lean on the doorbell for 10 minutes, practically make my fists bleed while pounding on the doors and windows, throw a rubber tucan at my brother's window, and repeat the process before anyone willed themselves out of bed to alleviate the discomfort of being soaked by pollutant-containg percipitation.
Chris, who probably got to sleep 45 minutes before I got home (at 11) finally came down and creeked the door open and dematerialized before I could lay eyes upon him. I walked in, quite seriously angry as a wet hen, to find Sean at the top of the stairs, strolling down, rubbing his sleepy eyes. "Hi." "Uuum...did you not hear me pounding on the door and ringing the doorbell for 15 minutes?" "...Not really."
NOT REALLY?
Whatevs. Yesterday was awesome. At practice, we learned to be kings and magicians, also how to be earthy and firey. Then I came home and rearranged our furnature and bathroom supplies in a very pleasing manner.
Toni, Caitlyn, Lee, Lucas, Laura, Vincent, Nick, Sarah, and Jacob came over for a bon fire. Excellent times ensued. It was just so cozy and docile. Sarah and Jacob got along famously, Laura bought me many sewing tools, Toni and Caitlyn did not stop laughing...What a grand time.
Absolute Highlights:
1. "S'more what?" "You're killin me Smalls! S'more. You take the grahm..."
2. The appearance of the famed GAP t-shirt!
Homecoming is this evening. Should prove to be debaucherous and nauseating...Can't wait!
This is the last one, I swear.
This is quite possibly one of my favorite pictures I've ever taken.
I have two words for you guys:
Teen.-Ology.
Hahahaha!
Sarah's essence of existance was that beatiful ceiling ful of colored glass...This is mine.Stewing my undies with a potato masher in a Vermont Condo, while sporting Pirates of the Carribean boxer shorts, and an ILOVERMONT t-shirt without a bra.
Testing, 5, 8,1....
I'm just trying to see if this service works to blog photos. This is the most readily available image.
It was taken in Brodo the Saturday after school started. Likely, I was waiting for my coconut soup and Jacob was talking about the finest spices in all the land.
How Auspicious...
I wish I could start this blog off with an intensely thought-provoking and formidable entry.
However, it's Thursday evening, I changed my blog up on a whim, I'm thinking about how funny it is to spell Junior "Joonyur" or, better still, "Jewnyer," and my most easily recollected memory is Jeremy T. Siehnel peering at me through the neck hole of a t-shirt (used as a "ninja mask.") Clearly, no intelligent monologues will be delivered tonight.
Goodmarrow.
P.S. My old blog is still around, still at that vile address (versatilefelt.blogspot.com). Don't panic. You can still look up what I was up to at 3am on March 25,2004. If you wish to go back further than early March of 2004, you're just going to have to come up with my Freshman/Sophomore (sawf-mohr) blog yourself or happen to be a bosom buddy of mine.
