Adolescent Effusive: January 2005

Monday, January 31, 2005

Passing Time

So, I'm sitting up like an eager puppy, waiting for Jacob to come online and be like, "I didn't die on my ski trip! Call me because I miss you!"
Doubtless, his mother has imprisoned him in the kitchen, guilt-tripping him that..
Oh, never mind. Here he is.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Rink Therapy

I woke up this morning with one sock, tank top obscenely askew, a severe lower back ache, and the undeniable urge to take a crap.
These are all the results of an AMAZING day yesterday.
I woke up at seven, thought it was a school day and exclaimed, "Yes! No English for me!" Then I realized that it was the morning of the Math B exam and hopped in the shower.
I pulled on my Spotlighters hoodie over my wet hair and headed out the door. I hiked up to Mrs Flynn's room and smirked indignantly at her, "Yea. In spite of your crappy teaching methods, I'm still able to take the exam."
I took the exam with nary a hitch and made my way to the payphone and called for a ride home. I ran into Jeremy who was posing like he was in an American Eagle ad (collar popped, jeans ripped, hand in pocket, leather jacket and hair that's too long), trying to snatch up a middle school girl.
Nick ended up coming home with me and we ate soup and enjoyed each other until practice at noon.
Somehow, practice was highly tolerable. I think it was largely due to the fact that I completely shirked my minimal responsibilities and just sat with Alex for the entire practice. He's so comfortingly awkward. I was telling him about Jacob and how my hair used to be so long it would get stuck in my buttcrack when I was in the shower and about the acclaimed Jonah Richmond, and he somehow found all of it rivetting. I think two of the main reasons I like him is that he laughs only in appropriate spots and has never ever ever gotten in my personal space.
Also, Carissa Bailey...I love you.
I came home from practice and didn't do much until seven, when Chris drove me to...THE RAINBOW ROLLER RINK! We arrived to find a bunch of "teens" (Im not sure how many were actually 13) smoking and cursing and bearing mohawks and cute little cleavage. I told him I was scared to go in by myself and asked him to wait with me until my friends arrived.
We got out of the car and started to head towards the door, when I saw a girl in a lime green mini skirt, a jacket reminisent of ABBA fashion, and crackwhore makeup, a boy wearing a skintight denim outfit that "hugged his curves nicely" who also bore shiney braces, and a girl with a Peter Pan mask of black makeup around her eyes, a really short dress, fishnets, and argyle socks.
"Oh. You can go now, Chris. My friends are here."
I approached them in my acidwash jeans, polo dress, Freddie neckerchief, and side ponytail secured with a hot pink pleather scrunchie. We immediately burst out laughing, admiring each other's skating garb and laughed at how seriously everyone else was taking themselves.
We rented rollerSKATES, not blades, and were surprised to find how much more difficult having a wheel on each corner of your shoe is as opposed to having four down the middle. We rented some grungey lockers and got our skate on.
Everyone was whipping around us in their blades and turning around to point and laugh at our outfits. This only encouraged us. Dave danced like a madman on his skates that gave him 4 inches and 8 pounds, Mandi continually flashed her swimsuit bottoms at little boys, and Nakita and I just laughed and tried not to fall over.
There were probably about 100 kids there, and Dave, Mandi, Nakita, and I were four of the maybe 12 people with skates on. The rest were dancing and picking up kewt boys.
Some kid who kept cutting me off all night skated over to me and said, "Hey. Where y'all from?" "Grand Island." "Sorry to keep cutting you off like that." "That's okay. I'm a slow skater." "How old are you?" "16" "How old do you think I am?" "....15?" "I'm 20. I just came back from Iraq."
He continued to tell me about how his girlfriend of 6 years dumped him when she found out he was going to Iraq and how he was certain that he would come back and here he is.
He asked me if Dave was my boyfriend and I said, "No. But I've had the same boyfriend for a year." and then he asked if Mandi and Nakita were single. And I was like, "I'm honestly not sure. I don't keep up with that stuff."
He continued to intrude upon my skating time for quite some time, asked if me and my girls wanted anything to eat (to which I replied, "No, we brought our own peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.") and hounded me for information about Mandi and Nakita. I finally told him, "They're not taken, but they prefer the single life." He then moved on to a group of 12 year olds who were not skating.
I don't know if it was the scrunchie, Mandi's bright blue eyes, Dave's total lack of inhibitions, or the flesh being scraped off of my foot by the exposed screws in the bottom of my skate, but last night was the most alive I've felt in...who knows how long. I was chugging along on my skates that had a tendency to vere to the right, staring up at the lights that haven't been cleaned since the last time I was there (six years ago), listening to the horrible ghetto fabulous music, and something clicked. I looked over at Nakita who had someone else's blood on her shirt from a mosh pit, Dave who was chasing some little boys with his "monster claws" extended, and Mandi who was throwing her head back in laughter and had this profound sense of belonging. I was out with kids I always thought would never find me interesting enough to spend time on and I didn't have any security blanket. No Sarah, no Keight, no Jacob, no one to catch me if I fell. I was making new friends all by myself, without the aid of people who know me better than I know myself.
We left with sore bodies and blisters the size of semi-ping pong balls and got into Dave's tiny red car and left with Jump On It blaring out of the windows, laughing with the satisfaction that we don't have to go home to our crack-dealing dads or to our baby's daddies.

Friday, January 28, 2005

So, I just found out that I'm not the only person in the world that thinks tennis serves are "hott." Honestly, I thought I was the only one. It's the only reason I watch tennis. I can't explain it without sounding like Blanche Devero, so...just trust me. There's something about that one moment before the ball gets anialated...

Thursday, January 27, 2005

"You see, I toss and turn when I'm alone. I just can't wait 'til you get home."
Man, that 'N Sync. They know where it's at.
I'm such a loser.
I'm like "Um...My boyfriend is on vacation. I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I'll mope...and eat half a tray of brownies."
Not kidding about the brownies.
On another note, I had so many discussions about vaginas today, it's not even funny. Honestly, they're the most foul things on the Earth. Penises are downright gross, but vaginas...God. At least penises are honest. They have nothing to hide. Who knows what nasty tricks vaginas have up their sleaves. I'm glad I'm not a boy because I a. Don't have a penis and b. don't have to touch vaginas to acheive satisfaction...unless I'm a loser that masturbates. Which I am not. It's a pride issue. *recoils at the thought of involving self with a vagina*
Other than that...I read a letter that Zac wrote to me from camp. And...I'm not sure how I feel about it. It was so casual. It wasn't even funny. He was like "I miss you already! (two days since he's been gone) It's an experience not being able to just pick up a phone and talk to you."
Oh the irony.

I burst into tears four times yesterday.
I am determined that today will be different.
I will numb myself with fats and oils to not be able to feel anything.
I will avoid C.L., V.C., D.T. ... and everyone else besides Carissa M. Bailey, Nick J. Thompson, Melissa L. Afusso, and Alex J. Marien.
I will not see the casket today.
I will not listen to Seasons of Love today.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Greivances

-the amount of times things are repeated in my house
- the amount of times Im interupted
-the amount of times my personal space is invaded by the wrong people
-the uncanny semblance of a sausage that girl has
-the way the stage crew can't take a plain order and just...do it
-that laugh
-the amount of times she's wearing his hat
-her face
-the way she walks like she's in a debaucherous paperback
-the amount of times 4 measures of music is repeated at rehersal
-when people just out of no where start talking to other people while they're on the phone with me, while I'm talking
-the amount of disdain she has for the crew: move your own flippin custom made set peices
-the way that woman yells EVERYTHING
-the amount of times she says "you break it, you're out of the number. put it in your bin or don't take it."
-the fact that we cant put our feet on the auditorium chairs, like they're flippin velvet
-the way my little brother meows entire paragraphs
-how I can't cry anymore, just make choking sounds
-the fact that I only like 4 people in the musical
-my frickin APUS text book STOP WRITING SO ILLUSTRIOUSLY! The greatest American writers were concise, not verbose and implicit. STOP!
-I have to go back to Brian Winger in a couple of days
-I havent talked to Sarah at all
-Bekki Slewa!
-her HUGE gums
-the way that kid has to be slapstick funny ALL THE TIME
-how my hands never get warm
-those ugly lights above the platforms
-the dust content of the air backstage

I'm effing losing my mind.

Aha!

So, I had a shit day.
The only good part of it was when I was sitting completely alone in the middle of the auditorium, trying to get my APUS homework done and Alex Marien just made a beeline for me as soon as he was done on stage. He sat next to me for a while and I was crying I was laughing so hard and so was he.
I was thinking about this while I was standing out in the cold, waiting for my mom, and crying tears of frustration. And then it dawned on me.
See, I've been feeling guilty about having this pull towards Alex Marien. Because, hello, I'm someone's girlfriend. And I've been freaking out over it. Why do I always seek out Alex Marien?
I finally realized today that it's not because I'm such a bad girlfriend that I've developed a crush on someone else.
It's because Alex is the only person that makes me laugh as hard and as often as Zac used to by simply being himself. He doesn't crack brilliant jokes or do silly stunts. He doesn't even say much.He's just hilarious in manner. Which is precisely the way that Zac was. I've never met anyone else that just makes me laugh by standing still or by saying hello. Alex is equivilant in awkwardness to Zac, and that's why I enjoy spending time with him so much. I'm not attracted to the kid, for Chrissake.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

So, highlight of my day:
Alex Marien is walking past me during practice wearing that dumb Oregon Trail sweatshirt. He hesitates in front of me, nudges my foot, looks satisfied with himself, and continues walking.
Other highlight:
D.T. is dancing right in front of Carissa Bailey, I catch Carissa's eye, and we both burst out laughing. Unfortunately for her, she was supposed to be singing.
Lowlight of my day:
Vincent was playing with my hair. I puffed up like a mother hen and got so mad about it. I didn't say anything, but I wanted to slap his hands away. It's not that it was so annoying..I just can't let anyone besides Jacob do that. I just can't. And he kept touching my face on the way to my hair. My blood was boiling. I just want my personal space. I hate not having control over what other people do to me. Leave that one fucking part of me to Jacob!

Also, Flatty McChestless: You messed around with him last spring. Don't do it again. I'll break your fingers. You're not the greatest seductress that ever walked. Your features are way too small for your face. Just like your boobs are too small for your body.

Other than that, my day was profoundly uneventful.

Monday, January 24, 2005

364 days, what?

Diplomacy

Burger King vs McDonalds moment. n. derived from the age old conflict between BK fans and McDonalds fans meaning an argument in which neither side will listen to the other. Commonly found between a teacher and a student.
I'm pretty sure the comment underneath Spanish L4, Brian Winger will read, "Lacks focus/motivation. Is often disrespectful and disruptive." Only time will tell.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Nice job.

"why do you like me?" "i dunno, cuz youre hot and nice and stuff"
This conversation doesnt involve me, which you can clearly conclude because a total of one male has ever called me "hot" to my face. Or maybe two.
Anyway, I think I'd cry if my most charming attributes were my physical attractiveness and the fact that I'm polite and considerate.

YES!

Deb
Deb(Please rate my quiz)

Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Dreamy

IndigoSailsQuirk: id love to own a diner
IndigoSailsQuirk: and have a short-order cook
IndigoSailsQuirk: and get construction workers as customers. and they'd drink their coffe black and tell me their problems
roonster111: that!roonster111: would be spiffy
roonster111: and you could always be that girl
roonster111: that everyone loves
roonster111: and watches out for
IndigoSailsQuirk: and i'd wear courds to work everyday and tape cheap paper decortions to the windows
IndigoSailsQuirk: and i'd have a messy ponytail yet some young down-to-earth construciton worker sees the beauty in me anyway and we fall in love and have humble children
roonster111: yes!
roonster111: perfect
IndigoSailsQuirk: ugh. i ache for that kind of simple existence.

There I go discovering things about myself while just shooting the breeze again.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Ha!

"perhaps i just miss you so much that i pretend to hear your voice whenever i hear other people talk O_o"
98% sure this was sarcastic, but still ever so vindicating!

Friday, January 21, 2005

An Infinity of Those

...good moments that get you through the day.

Second Period, Spanish.
I forget what he was talking about, but Brian Winger said "aprovecharse." And then he said it again. And then he said it again. And then he went over to the wall and started to pull out his lover, the overhead projector. At this point, I was grinning from ear to ear. I turned around and looked at Sarah, 4 seats behind me. She was grinning, too. I look back at Brian and he's saying it again. It's written on the overhead, and he's underlining it. I totally, 100% lost it. I was weazing with laughter with my face flat on my desk. Brian looks at me inquisitively and I just flat out told him. "That's all you do! *more laughing* You just say something like six times and write it on the overhead and then say it again. And then you underline it. Every time!" His response was, "Well, yea. That's how you do it. You've got it down, Maria. You could be a foreign language teacher."
He continued to mention it for the rest of the period. Then he said, "Your attitude is unreal. You're so intelligent, but you do the bare minimum," to which I responded, "Okay."

Sixth period, Math.
Alex Marien walks in wearing his Gentlemen Prefer Blondes shirt from his sophomore year. It was obviously faded from frequent usage.

Eighth period, Lunch.
Discussing the merrits of being so straightedge you've never had a drop of beer with Carl Linquist. And then arguing over whether or not Sam Adams was ever an actual politician.

Ninth period, Physics.
I just flippin love Mr. Lee Nowocein. Live in my house. Come rushing in the front door while I'm watching TV and drag me outside to show me how to properly toss an egg. Eat toast with jelly on it while sitting at the table in your stockingfeet. Awkwardly try to learn to crochet from my mom and attempt to use the equation J=F(delta t) to figure it out.

Standing in Tai Pei with my mom, waiting for my cashew chicken.
It's eerily quiet in there aside from some Chinese Clay Aiken coming from the speakers in the ceiling. It's mostly turquiose and light pink in there, a color combination that really needs to be used effectively or not at all. There's an unhappy looking man in a hooded winter coat sitting in a chair against the wall. Most of the lights are off. The buffet tables are empty. A mop and one of those dustpans you can use while standing erect are creeping out from behind a sad-looking buffet table with individual alphabet stickers, indicating what's in it at lunch time. I was thinking about how sad it was that no one was in there and how much empty resturants depress me and how lonely it must be to own a place like that, when I turned to my mom and said, out of the blue, "You know who I really like?" "Who?" "Jacob." She looked at me and choked back a laugh and said, "That's good." I dont know, something about it was funny and comforting.

Just now.
neon STwist: sarah should just be a hermit lol
IndigoSailsQuirk: you're too asethetically pleasing to do that
IndigoSailsQuirk: and your clothes are too cool
IndigoSailsQuirk: and no one would think im funny if you werent around
IndigoSailsQuirk: and id just feel like a big awkward freak
neon STwist: awww big awkward freak, thats cute
IndigoSailsQuirk: what if i were like 6 feet tall
IndigoSailsQuirk: would you still like me?
neon STwist: i wouldnt be friends with you. you'd make me feel very nervous and i wouldnt like being around you
IndigoSailsQuirk: *considers being upset and then realizes thats the exact answer she expected*

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Napoleon Blownaparte

So, I'm sick of young people dieing. I didnt know the boys who died this week. Honestly, I dont even really know their names. I'm not wrecked by it. I'm not going to pretend that. However, I'm frustrated, disappointed, and scared by it.
God, if you want to tell me something, just come out and say it. Don't take lives to do it. Your "messengers" don't do anything but repulse me. Thanks.
Ellie Fox, you are a gem. "If u were a song what would u be Break Away or cha cha slide?"
Other than that, Devin and I have decided that the only appropriate gift for Mike Militello would be a sculpture of a nude person (gender still indecided) made out of clementines.
Also, my grandpa has been becoming rather incoherent and I feel so sad for him. The thought of him all alone in that house made me cry in Tops today. We want him to move to a senior complex on the island. His house is dark and cluttered and he's lonely. Maow.
Went to the doctor today. Apparently, I'm perfectly proportioned in terms of weight and height. They showed it on a graph. So it must be true. However, I need to drink more milk and excersize and sleep more. Tell me something I don't know.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Powder Your Cheeks

Revisions have been made to yesterday's post. I forgot part of the conversation and I decided to censor myself.
I hate the Oreo dust that lives on the sides of your milk glass. I love Oreos dunked in milk, but I hate the result.
So, I'm fat.
My preferred activities as of now are:
1. Waking up and glancing around the room to find my best friends in various states of consciousness, knowing another day of laundry, ice cream, and mahem is in store.
2. Playing in the snow.
3. Sleeping.

Probably should reverse the order of those last two.

I painted a lot of stuff for Seussical today. I really wish I could just be in the auditorium/anywhere working on stuff for plays all the time. It's what I actually like to do and there's real motivation to work. Muh.
Can't wait for college.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Eres un Chiste, Brian

All right. Brian Winger vs. Mary Kate Ultimate Smackdown, Thus Far
Comments in green are in Spanish, blue are under my breath...which doesn't mean much because my desk is right next to him.

B: What a great weekend. It's always nice to have an extra day off.
Class: No response
B: I think that we should work until five every day and then just get three day weekends every week.
MK: You've said so before. (Translate: You are so tired and beat, you lameass.)
B: What do you guys think about having more school?
Class: No response
B: You see, *flicks on overhead projector* This is how many days the Germans, Japanese, English...go to school *writes down 220* How many days do you think we go?
Class: No response
B: *writes down 180* A hundred and eighty. A hundred and eighty seven for teachers. This is why we're more stupid than other countries.
MK: *raises an eyebrow* (Translate: If you flip on that overhead projector or repeat yourself one more time, I'm gonna punch you.)
B: Other countries are so much better at math. We can't compete. Do you think we should go to school for longer?
Class: No response
B: Do you think we should go to school for longer?
Class: No response
B: Maria, what do you think?
MK: I don't care.
B: *looks at me like I'm stupid* Sarah, could you translate for us?
S: You said that other countries are better than us because they go to school for longer.
B: *looks at me smugly*
MK: *raises an eyebrow* (Translate: You just want her to have your babies and you hate me because I challenge you. You don't like a challenge, Brian? You're lazy.)
B: Who thinks we should go to school for longer? *raises hand*
Class: No response
B: Who thinks it should stay the same?
Class: a few raise their hands
B: So you just want everything to be the same?
Class: No response
B: You should see the Japanese kids. They're amazing at math. Of course, all they do is work there. But, doesn't it make you feel stupid?
MK: I think that there's more to life than math.
B: But we can't compete.
MK: I don't care.
B: Germany, Japan, England...they're all so much smarter than us.
MK: Uh...So?
B: You're complacent.
MK: *tenses up* No, I just have my own opinion. School isn't everything (Brian).
B: No. You're complacent.
MK: Not really. I'm just gonna have to disagree with you today.
B: I just wanted to talk about how much I like three day weekends.
MK: If we have three day weekends, we won't be able to keep up with the Japanese.
B: Well, now that we're done with that argument that has nothing to do with class....You know, I was just doing it to see if you understood Spanish. Which obviously didn't work.
MK: *raises an eyebrow* (Tanslate: You arrogant bastard.)

Later on in class, talking about commands.
B: For instance, you'd say "Be nice, Maria."

My stance on the whole thing: Brian Winger, you can just go *beep* someone else's wife.
To be more intelligent: Why don't you, such a big fan of statistics, look up the suicide rates in youths in Japan as opposed to those here. Maybe I'll give you a dolare. Or maybe even a punto so we can subimos and listen to your 1992 Marenge tapes.

Monday, January 17, 2005

Quel DUMB

This is the CD I made. I was listening to it in the shower and just started crying. Am I this much of a fetus? This has got to stop.

1. "In my heart, it's the five of us."
2. "I wake up, thoughts of you tattooed to my mind as I wonder what to wear, what to eat, who to be, will I see you again? And as my car breaks down, I shake my head and say, 'What a day.' If you only knew."
3. "So lonely inside; so busy out there. And all you wanted was somebody who cares. I'm sinking slowly, so hurry home. Your hand is all I have to keep me holding on. Please can you tell me, so I can finally see where you go when you're gone?"
4. "I listen to my words, but they fall far below. I let my music take me where my heart wants to go."
5. "It's time now, to see now, that the story never ends. Let's celebrate, remember a year in the life of friends."
6. "Though its not easy to tell you goodbye, I'll take a chance, take a risk, make a change, and break away. Out of the darkness and into the sun."
7. "You'll be in my heart, no matter what they say. You'll be here in my heart, always. Why can't they understand the way we feel? They just don't trust what they can't explain."
8. "The worst is over. You can have the best of me. We got older, but we're still young."
9. "Baby, baby, baby...When all your love is gone, who is gonna save me from all I'm up against out in this world?"
10. "I'm through accepting limits because someone says they're so. I'm going to try defying gravity."
11. "When you miss a day with your friends, your whole life's a drag. "
12. "Ever since I tried trying not to find every little meaning in my life, it's been fine; I've been cool with my new golden rule. Numb is the new deep. Done with the old me. And talk is the same cheap it's been. Is there a God?Why is he waiting?Don't you think of it odd when he knows my address?"
13. "Baby, you're all that I want when you're lying here in my arms. I'm finding it hard to believe we're in heaven."
14. "I want you to believe in me. I want so much so bad. I've always been with you. Give all that's within you. Be my savior and I'll be your downfall. Yea, be my savior. Only love can save us now. Oh, save me now."
15. "Sew this up with threads of reason and regret, so I will not forget. I will not forget how this felt one year, six months ago, I cannot forget. I cannot forget. I'm falling into memories of you and things we used to do. Follow me there, a beautiful somewhere, I place that I can share with you."
16. "Here I rest. Disappointment and regret collide when I lie awake at night."
17. "I don't wanna talk about it. I just want to cry in front of you because I'm in love with you."
18. "When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love, you'll understand what I mean when I say there's no way we're gonna give up. And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams, Is there anyone out there? 'Cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe."
19. "Tonight I watched the lights go out in your house, wondering how I could get so deep, and you could still get sleep. In vain, I blame my trembling on the cold air, but I can't hide that I relied on you, like yellow does on blue. And you're my Good Feeling. I'm kneeling. Inside a room, she paints me blue. And you are my reason for BREATHING."

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Feck

First, a short list:
1. My parents
2. Conan O'Brien
3. J & J
4. Megan H.
5. Lindsey Lohan
6. Most of my adult relatives
7. Dawn D.
8. Andy L.
9. Chris D.

These are people I am envious of for one universal reason. ERGH!

So, anyway. Last night, I went to Jon Topalski's house after purchasing a Dora the Explorer alarm clock. Vincent Covatto, Nate Evans, Carl Linquist, Jared whatshisface, Phil Henderson, Corey something, and a kid named Jack were there also. It was an interesting group of people. We watched Shaun of the Dead, which was good, aside from the part where they ate David.
This morning, I went to Jacob's. We had a splendid, well-rounded day. A memorial service, an R-rated movie, dinner at Friday's, homework, and plenty of interruptions that led to my manufacturing of the list above.
Jacob and I should write a book on awkward moments.
"What just grabbed my foot?" "Was it my foot brushing against it?" "No. It was a HAND." *Ellie materializes from the floor*
^way more awkward when you know the circumstances
"God, I'm just going to go home and eat a gallon of ice cream. I'll be like 'Fuck this, I'm gonna get fat. No sense in remaining attractive. It's just frustrating.' "

You know.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Blub

So, a few key points:
1. Brian Winger, you're a d***. I've never called anyone that. Ever. You earned it.
2. I'm going to marry Mr. Nowocein. "Nice delta t on that one!" "Wanna come outside and do some egg toss?" Ahahaha. Rattle off some more formulas and make some more corny jokes, please!
3. My poor mother. Infinately worse than the "What are the handcuffs for" incident was the incident in the car this evening. Aha. You know if you're entitled to this information or not. Don't ask otherwise.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Dame Reaglos

If anyone would like to buy me DVD of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, I'm pretty sure I'd love you for the rest of my life.
That's The Secret Live of Walter Mitty. Eternal Love. Dame lo.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

What's that smell?

Clinique Bonus Time? I wish. God, Zac, I miss you so much.
I'd say that smell is fresh sliced defeat.
I succumb to my greif. I'm done pretending I feel "okay" or "just fine." I feel like steaming shit. Not all the time, but it's often enough. And it's wearing me down and it's not fair to the people around me because it makes me treat them in ways they don't deserve. The people I love deserve a Mary Kate that doesnt cry every day for no reason or one that dumps all her sadness on them.
I'm done. Just finished.
I knocked myself upside the head this morning and forced myself to accept the fact that I am not okay, nor is it healthy to think that I'm this granite slab that can take all of this weight and just keep adding every day. I was bent over in front of my dresser, Maroon 5 string tribute in the background, and I'm trying to get my stupid pants on by light of these cheap Christmas lights I hung up to make life softer and my stupid/lovely cat is playing with my wet hair like it's yarn and patting my bare back with her paw and I'm thinking, "What the hell am I doing? Why am I pretending I'm glad to get up and go to school?"
That was a run-on.
I'm feeling better. I really am. I'm occupying myself. I'm distracting myself from everything that bothers me. Which is way more than Zac's absense. I don't even think about him that often. Well, in ratio to how it used to be. Every little thing cuts me to deep, and I'm sick of it.
I'm not going to be like the rest of my family and let stress and depression fester until I have to be hospitalized/medicated for it. I refuse to give into what my genetics predispose me to. It's totally unfair and I won't stand for it.
So, I've decided that it's in my best interest to go and "talk to someone." I feel weak and defeated for it, but I have to suck up my pride and just do it. The most major amount of stress in my life is put on me by myself. Its this concentrated, tearing pressure to be okay, to be changed for the better, to be well-rounded, to be a good daughter, to be an interesting girlfriend, to be a loyal friend.
And you know what I've realized? I'm killing myself. Why am I putting so much pressure on me? It's hurting more than its helping. It's so stupid and, honestly, embarassing. I'm supposed to be put-together and authoratative and in conrtol. I'm not anymore. Something whipped the rug out from underneath me and, dammit, I'm just gonna march across the room, get the damned rug, drag it back to where the sun hits it just right, and stand on it.
The only thing is, I can't do it by myself or with the people around me. They help, but not enough. It's not their fault and I don't resent them. I'm just sick of waiting to be saved. It's childish of me to place all of my faith in other people. I'm not shutting people out, I'm just trying tp protect myself. I don't have to change how I feel about them, I just have to change how I feel without them. I need to have something left for myself. Just a little bit.
This is so disorganized.
Whatevs. You don't have to read it.
Carissa was such an amazing help to me. I was bowling gutter balls and... I don't know. It was just me and her and we were just existing together. We weren't ripping on each other like we always do and we weren't peeing our pants laughing. Don't get me wrong, I love that stuff. However, it was nice to just be today. She really seems to get me even though she doesnt know all that much about me. It's nice to have someone relatively fresh in my life.
Also, Ryan Kucharski is a good boy. Sitting across from him in lunch is one of the best parts of my day. I don't know why, specifically. It's just because he seems so relaxed and satisfied. Maybe he's not, but he just gives off that air. He just laughs when he thinks something's funny and doesn't when he doesn't. He wears what he wants and doesn't brush his hair and it's just plain refreshing. He never talks about school work or classes. It's awesome.
And, with that, I'm going to go....maybe do some studying. I don't know.

Maybe when I'm not so tired
Maybe you could step inside
Maybe when I look for things that I cant replace.
If I could be your first real heartache, I would do it over again.
~Punk Rock Princess, Something Corporate

This post was quite the junk drawer.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Hablo...SPANGLISH

Ahahahaha. Favorite part of my year:
Part I
Me: "Give me your pen."
Sarah: "What?"
Me (frustrated): "Dame tu pluma!"
Sarah: bursts into uncontrolled laughter

Part II
Sarah: "Este peliquila es desmasiado triste."
Me: "Ah, entonces...buscas un peliquila mas comica?"
Sarah: "Si..."
Senor Winger: "Maybe you want to give an example like...what's funny these days?"
Sarah: "A Few Good Men."
Senor: "That's not that funny."
Me: "Que tal si vimos Home Alone?"

Part III
Something in Spanish
Response: "Ah, bon!"

Part IV
*uncontrolled, obnoxious laughter*
Senor: I'm sure Sarah y Maria can do this one.
Sarah and Mary Kate: perfectly execute said task and go back to laughing

When it rains, it pours.

So. This is splendid.
This makes for the third untimely and unfair death of a child since October. I don't know two of them personally, but it still hurts to think about them.
I'm positively feral over this.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

IndigoSailsQuirk: they've got an egg timer going
IndigoSailsQuirk: ding!
neon STwist: aaaand there off!

Just for anyone's knowledge....29 in 100 women who only use spermicide will become pregnant.
Also, you need more every time you use it.
Ahem.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Soy Aburrida

This or that...
Windows or Mac? Windows.
Death or life? Shut up.
Cheese or porridge? I've never had porridge, but I hate straight up cheese.
Britney or Christina...or neither? Christina, in spite of her misuse of chaps.
Lord of the Rings or Harry potter (ONE CHOICE ONLY)? ONLY ONE? Shut up, J.K. Rowling. LOTR is way better.
Legolas or Aragorn? Aragorn. All Legolas does is, "stand around and say 'I see something'." (Bloom, Orlando. 2003. )
Arwen or Eowyn? I like 'em both. Arwen's cooler because she's an elf, but Eowyn's cool because she's so tough. Not that I know this.
Fantasy or Reality? Reality.
Religion or atheism? That's a personal choice and you're asking me to generalize.
Would you wanna die of...
murder or old age: old age.
drive by or starvation? drive by, because I'm a wimp.
In your sleep or in a tar pit? Neither. I'd wanna know what's happening but I don't understand why I'd be in a tar pit...
What if...
If you could go back in time and change anything, what would you do? Prevent Zac from dieing. Make him go to the doctor or something. I don't know. Great things have come out of his death, but none of them are worth his life.
The sky was yellow? Be worried it's the end of the Earth. Or that there's a neuclear weapon being used. Which would equate to about the same thing.
If you could take up any language what would you learn? Latin, so that I could learn all of the romance languages much more easily.
If you were a movie? What would you be? Probably the quintessential arrogant smart kid that wears glasses and stupid berets that everyone mostly rolls their eyes at.
Lovey dovey stuff..
Are you of age? To have sex with an adult? No. To have a good relationship? Yes.
How many years till your legal? 2
Favourite fantasy? That's...personal... Geez.
Do you dream of your crush? I've been too tired to dream lately.
Have you had sex yet? No.
Did you type Virgin if you haven't? Type it now if you are: Isn't that implied? Are you trying to make me ashamed by writing virgin? Is that some type of negative word? What?
Do you lie about your age to people? Never
How many partners have you had? Zero.
Been to third base yet? uuuugh, EW.
All the way? No.
With who? Fuck off!
Are you going to tell me? See above.
Tired of this yet? Yes.

First thing you think of...
Mauve: mauvelous
gay: A certain hairy friend of mine.
legolas: eyebrows
cheese: Sarah-Jane
Alyssa: hormone injections
Johnny: Reznik
Justin: Schaber, said with an RH accent
Josh: The fact that I love the name Joshua.
Orlando Bloom: that ridiculous picture of him with a puppy
Shane: West. And how he's fat.

Good News

So, I had this rad day yesterday.
The alarm goes off, and I'm pleasantly reminded that I'm in bed with Sarah Lipp. She hits the snooze button. The alarm goes off again and I attempt to slither out of bed gracefully, and I knock over all of her damned glass bottles. No injuries were sustained.
I showered and Sarah busted in on me and I got dressed (in her stockings, underpants, shirt, and skirt) while she straightened her hair.
I made us both a chocolate chip sandwich for lunch and had plenty of apple juice.
We left for school and arrived at like 7:10. I don't think I've ever been there that early. Bizarre.
Julie was in early, so I talked to her for a while.
Then I went up to Scarf's room and I had a pleasant conversation with her for like 15 minutes. She gave me an envelope of checks to give to Mrs Zarbo. They're for Zac's scholarship. $1143 in checks alone. There was a ton of cash in there, too.
That's just for the Spotlighters scholarship. Nevermind the music one.
I went to English and spent the morning laughing at the fact that 90% of us didnt actually read our books.
Spanish was really funny. Sarah was wearing her Furby shirt and we were laughing at Furbies and Alex Marien just chimes in and goes, "I used to have a Furby." It made me laugh so hard. You'd have to know him. I was like, "Oooh, did you? Thanks for interupting!" But I wasnt serious, I just love giving him a hard time. He continued to say, "Yea, and it was evil. It walked towards me in the night and bit my hand off. This is a mechanical hand." I was peeing my pants. This event isnt funny if you don't know him. I can't even explain it. He's just so shy, it's hilarious when he cuts loose.
I was refreshed to find that Estevan y Cristobal notice the same things about Senor as I do. And that they don't care about the class either. Refreshing.
Third period studyhall, Sara Boulden is just meticulously delinting her sweater, as though no one's watching. It was positively hilarious. This pile of lint just keeps growing. At the end of the period, she just calmly turns around in her seat, and victoriously holds up this GIANT ball of lint. Ahahaha.
Fourt period was the highlight of my life. We were talking about how sectionalism still exists today. Mr Pray told us that the Women of the Confederacy is still thriving in the south and Catie Lewis pumps an arm into the air and goes, "Yes!" I honestly thought I was going to die laughing. Caitlyn and I just completely lost it. Catie is so blindly feminist that she doesn't care what women are doing. So long as there are two or more vaginas gathered for a common cause, it's an awesome thing. Ahahahahahahaha.
Math class. Carl Linquist was just going on about this calculator that factors quadratic equations for you and I burst out laughing. I was like, "Carl...you're going on like, 'My cousin's boyfriend has one, its AMAZING'..." And he started laughing, too, because he knew he was being ridiculous. Honestly, the fact that I can make someone as cool as Carl Linquist laugh at himself makes me enjoy going to school.
Later on that same class, I see Alex Marien (who sits next to me in that class, too) out of the corner of my eye. What's he doing? He's pushing his knees against his desk so that it becomes a ramp and watching his pen roll down it. He puts his desk down, replaces his pen at the top, and repeats the process. I promptly lost my mind laughing. I said to him, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING????" He got this little kid caught doing something funny look on his face. Slightly satisfied, slightly embarassed. His grinning response was, "I get bored." Which made me laugh harder.
Next, I went bowling. God, it was funny. Carissa never stops dancing. She was appeasing the bowling gods all over the place. If I were attracted to women, I'd be all over her. I'd be straight up in love with her and wanting her to have my babies. Unfortunately, I'm not a straight male.
Lunch was cool because I've become to attached to those boys. I love Ryan, Chris, and Carl. Tim, Jeremy, Andy, and Dan are pretty cool, but I can have lunch without them. I tagged along with Chris to the art rooms and stole some test strips and at medicinal gum and visited Mrs. Wynne before going back to lunch. It was great fun.
Physics was choice. I'm in love with Mr. Lee Nowocein and his ability to rattle off formulae like nobody's business. Also his sweaters and the fact that he goes over to his girlfriend's grandma's house for dinner all the time.
Other than that, I told Ashley Marien of my adventures with her brother. She started laughind and told me that she caught him standing around in musical practice trying to become pigeon-toed. Ahahahaha.
Vincent walked home with me and we let ourselves into his empty house and went up to his room... to get a CD and leave promptly. He came to my house to get a CD and a new bracelet and went home.
Then Keight called while I was taking a dump. I talked to her for about an hour and I wouldn't rate it very high on the Ladies' Night list, but it was still very very pleasant.
Then Chris and I hung up some more Berenstein Bears pictures. The upstairs hallway= the shit. We are the coolest siblings ever.
I proceded to go to a concert at Trinity Church with Debbie and Ellie Zarbo. It was at first really hard to be in a place that I'd only been in for Zac's funeral, but I sucked it up. It was also hard to think that those college chorus kids are supposed to be Zac in 2 years. But I was okay.
The Mrs. Zarbos kind of have "walking dead syndrome" where you see the dead person instead of them. I enjoy their company and they're nice ladies, but it's still very flashing neon ZAC ZAC ZAC ZAC ZAC. Oh well.
Came home and all of my brothers were home. It was really nice. Will sat around for a little while in the livingroom while Chris played GameCube and Sean and I played Uno. It was just...refreshing. Other than Christmas, I can't remember a time when we were all just hanging out.
Then I went to bed and Jacob woke me up at noon. Might go out with him and some of his friends tonight. Who knows.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Gaseous

So, I'm at Sarah's.
She's in the living room, reading Lord of the Flies, and I'm in here. And I just rip one. Blatantly.
I promptly burst out laughing and there's no reaction from the other room.
"Did you hear that, Sare?"
*in bored tone* "Yea."
I continue to sprawl on the desk laughing and Sarah just goes on reading.
And this is one of the reaons why I love/hate her.

BTW, my mom and I had a long talk today and I feel better. However, she thinks I should go to the doctor and make sure nothing's physically wrong with me that's effing up my sleep cycle or making me crazy and she suggested that I "see someone" about how I'm feeling.
I'm not sure that I want to. I know it's totally not, but I feel like its a sign of weakness. Giving in or surrendering. When that's just wrong.
Eh.

Feeling Fetal

So. Last night, I was basically hyperventalating. Not really exaggerating.
I couldn't stand being in my dark room, all alone, totally vulnerable to anything that might come in. I was so afraid and achey and honestly just wanted to be back in the womb.
I was biting down on my covers and kicking my legs in frustration and crying like nobody's business.
All because I had to sleep alone.
I was very close to waking my parents up and getting into bed with them. I was that scared. I decided that if I threw a fit for long enough I'd exhaust myself and I'd fall asleep. And I did.
I'm just so pissed that I felt like that, though. There was no reason for it and it was pure torture. I never want to feel like that again.
If I don't talk to Jacob until I'm barely conscious or bawl my eyes out before going to bed, I can't sleep. I'm so sick of it.
In conclusion, I'm sleeping in Sarah's bed tonight if our mommies aren't unreasonable because I think I honestly would have killed to get a hug last night. That's really all I needed. I needed a warm body next to mine.
Honestly, when I don't see Jacob for longer than like five days, I don't feel good at all. I love him for himself and I enjoy talking to him on the phone, but I feel so vulnerable and fragile when I'm not burrowed in his chest or enveloped in his arms. Maybe it's dangerous to be so attached, but I really don't care right now. So few things make me feel good that I'm gonna hang on to those things that do with all my might.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Ah, the Media-revised

Hahahahahaha.
I just overheard Bill O'Reily say, "Jesus never said that people who don't believe in him are going to hell."
Have you READ the Bible, Bill? Maybe you should before making "insights" about the Christian religion.
I'm so sick of people bubble-wrapping things to make them less offensive.
No, not all "Christians" believe that all non-Christians are going to hell. However, the Bible says it. Many fold. It's not even funny how many times it says it. People just ignore it because it's offensive. Yea, it is. However, if you're not a Christian, should the Christian hell make any difference to you? I'm not sure. But I'd say no. So I don't even see what difference it makes.
Let Christians alone. They have their beliefs, you have yours. Christian fundamentalists don't blow themselves up with the intention of destroying our nation. All they do is try to promote their way of life. Maybe you don't agree with it, but the solution is to take into consideration that they might have some valid points, think on it, and do whatever you truly believe is right.
I'm just saying, before you go around calling people who stand up for what their religious texts say (word for word) wrong about what the tests say, maybe you should read the texts. They probably know better than you what is written in them. Maybe the religious texts are morally flawed, but saying "The Bible never said non-Christians are going to hell..." is like saying "Atticus Finch wasn't a lawyer..."
If I've offended anyone, I'm truly sorry. I didn't intend to. Being mindful of my tone and making my intentions clear are not my strongest skills.
-----
Obviously, I did offend some people. I've taken out the offensive matter. I honestly didn't mean it the way it came out. If you care, talk to me about it, don't make angry posts in your own dumb livejournal.
I apologize for what I said and the way I said it, I agree that I was out of line and, quite frankly, I knew it at the time of the post. I just relied on the fact that this is Grand Island and no one seems to care anyway.
Surprise of surprises, the people who called me on it were not from Grand Island!
You've gotta see where I'm coming from though. It doesnt excuse what I said, because, I agree, it was ignorant and unfair.
Where I'm coming from is:
An evangelical, baptist Christian home. We are such a minority. "Everyone's Christian." Uuum...not really. According to Jesus Christ himself, Christians are people who DEDICATE THEIR LIVES to modeling his ways and spreading their beliefs to other people. If you don't believe me, get out a Bible and read it. I garuntee it says nearly exactly that. My parents actually live by this and use the Bible in every life decision they make. I'm not exaggerating. At all. THAT is why my family is a minority. Very few families have 4 out of 6 members cleaving to their Bibles and using it every second of their lives.
I'm just sick of the media ridiculing people I love. You think all's fair play in America. Everyone's given an equal chance. No. Who's one of the funniest characters on the Simpsons? Ned Flanders. An evangelical, bapsitst Christian. I agree, he's funny, but I think his character much less protested than other characters that poke fun at other religions or races.
Also, I'm just sick of Jesus action figures, things that say "Jesus is my Homeboy"....blah blah blah. It's disrespectful and rude. I don't care if you don't believe that Jesus was God's son or whatever. You don't openly mock people who do.
True Christians who do as Jesus instructed them to do are put down and laughed at while a Wiccan or a Muslim or a Hindu are praised for being unique and able to maintain their beliefs in a country where not everyone shares these beliefs.
Seems highly contradictory, is all I'm saying. And, yea, I'm sensitive about it. When people get emotional, they might say things that are out of line. I did and I've apologized.
I don't want to hear anything more on this matter.

P.S. I'm also mad that having Starz and Black Starz is okay. It's okay to have a channel that excludes white people. It's not being racist or unfair. It makes me laugh that this is okay. If there were a channel that didn't let anyone besides white people participate, there would be such an uprising.
I don't WANT a channel that only portrays one race, however, if there can be one, why can't there be others?
I don't get it. I really don't.

Little Things

Okay, so, I was recollecting this moment to Sarah today, and I realized how truly funny it is. Actually, two moments. Both occured in Spanish class.
Number One:
It's Monday morning and Senor Winger is wearing a dress shirt and a tie with a sweater over it. Again. He's wearing these amorphous black "leather" shoes with his pleated pants. I'm sitting in my desk in the front row and the bell rings. Right on cue, Brian Winger finishes dashing something illegible and Spanish onto the overhead projector, which is resting unplugged next to the chalk board that still has his too-crude-to-even-be-endearing diagrams of various objects from weeks ago on it. He starts the journey to Alex Marien's desk, where he puts the overhead projector every day. He's looking at the floor, tyring to make sure he doesn't snag a wheel on the cord. He does anyway, just as he's saying, "Buenos dias, muchachos! Que pasa este fin de semana?" He knows that only blank stares and the tops of sleeping heads await him and just says, "Nada? Bien." without even looking up. Ah, the glorious moment when Brian realized his students incurably loathe him.

Number Two:
One morning, a few days before Christmas break, I'm sitting in Spanish class next to this awkward, introverted, yet undeniably hilarious red-headed boy with glasses and braces. His name is Alex Marien. He's all dressed up for an English presentation. I know this because I asked him. We're taking the same quiz and he's finished just as I'm checking over my answers. Out of the corner of my eye, I see something colorful. Alex is rolling his tie up to his neck and letting it go. Repeatedly. I decided it would not be prudent of me to burst out laughing because 1. it would disturb the other quiz-takers and 2. it might embarass him. So, I'm finished with my quiz now and my eyes slide over to Alex. The end of his tie is resting unassumingly on the top of his desk. He leans back in his chair and it slides off the desk. I thought this would be the entire event. No. Alex Marien, looking almost startled, quietly picks up the end of his tie and places it back on the desk.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Honestly, I really love my life sometimes.

Sunday, January 02, 2005

Crazy

The way you walk, the way you move, the way you talk, the way you stare, the way you look, the style of your hair, the way you smile, the way you smell....it drives me wild because I'm real and I can't go on without you.

Some place between a pair of brown cords, Where the Sidewalk Ends, a walk in the rain, and this song...I misplaced my mind.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

Just Trying to Run a Household

is a very good antonym for what I spent the past three days doing.
Let's see. About 9:30 Thursday morning, Jacob calls and wakes me up. Says we're not going to the cabin and could I be at his house by noon. I thought someone died. I was bracing myself for another AWESOME time at a funeral home. Turns out he was joking and I should be over then in order to go to the cabin.
This is a prime example of how much on edge I am now. I ALWAYS assume the worst now.
Cabin...It was something to grow into. Once we were inside and warm and Sanjay stopped making penis references and stopped swearing every two seconds, things were quite enjoyable. We played ScatteRgories and Taboo. Probably my favorite part of the evening was the thumbwrestling tournament I had with Jacob.
It was very, "Haha, we smell so bad and we're best buddies!" I loved it so much.
Also, Miss Peruzzini, I don't know what I would do without you. You maintain my sanity. I'm pretty sure the best part of my week was making shadow puppets with you on the cabin ceiling. Very few people would go along with that.
Friday morning, Keight and I took a pee and visited our snow snail...whose name escapes me at the moment. We had a lot of bacon and clementines for breakfast and off we went.
I sat in the back with Jacob and did a word search. He's way better at it than me, but that's okay, my vocabularly far surpasses his. We're even.
Keight and I hit a few snafoos at her home. College application, my hair in the drain, so forth.
We finally got to Sarah's and the party started.
Carissa and I had an ultimate Pretty Pretty Princess Smackdown, Miss Erie County Fair Jr. style.Then I played Dream Phone and Uno with her, Melissa, and Mandi.
Other than telling Mandi about my and Jacob's joke about her and her ex-boyfriend. Luckily, it went over extremely well.
I loves those girls.
Ball dropped and I got a kiss from Sarah and her mommy. Would've been nice to have someone to actually kiss, but he was at home. With Andy Carlin....
We had a smashing good time after the guests left. Chatting and whatnot. Some things really did not need to be revealed to the girl who can only sleep soundly in one place in the house in question. *salad fingers face* Ech. You taste like gametes and boldness.
Slept until 2:15 after a brief intermission on the front porch.
We proceded to watch 3 episodes of 10 Years Younger and also The Secret Life of Sandwiches and The Secre Life of Cola.
I came home and showered and proceded to talk to Jacob on the phone from 8 o'clock until 1:45 am. We had to switch phones because our batteries died....
I also ordered three cds last night.
String Quartet Tribute to Maroon 5, " " to Dashboard Confessional, and "More Than You Think You Are" by Matchbox 20.

"Where are these cookies from?"
"Dicamilo's"
"Oh, I thought they were made with love."
"No, they were made with the goal of profit."

Maow.

Totally Useless

Yahoo! Mail - radioactlambchop@yahoo.com: " tintinnabulation \tin-tih-nab-yuh-LAY-shuhn\, noun:
A tinkling sound, as of a bell or bells."

To be concise, I can't feel something without describing it. Probably, this is due to some sort of traumatic experience I had in the womb. I hate the expression, "She wears her heart on her sleeve." It makes the subject sound weak and whiny. I concede that I am both of these things, but I don't like to come right out and say it...mostly because I'm an arrogant fool. I'd rather refer to myself as effusive. If you'll sit a while and read, I'm sure you'll agree.

Name: M.Jazz

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Adolescent Effusive